


HARBORED

by schindlee



Category: Irene - Fandom, aseul - Fandom, redvelvet - Fandom, seulgi - Fandom, seulrene - Fandom
Genre: Completed, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 46,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26523256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schindlee/pseuds/schindlee
Summary: you never planned for it. still, it happened. and since you can't talk about it, you decided to keep it to yourself--for years.
Relationships: seulrene - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	1. cafe

you looked out the glass window, watching the rain pouring outside. it isn't the noisy type where you'll hear the sound running on the roof. instead, it is the silent type, peaceful, the one that damps the road with its fine shower that is only visible when it is against the light.

you keep staring, admiring the beauty of it, until your phone buzzed on the table.

"we'll be arriving in 10 minutes. got stuck here in the traffic. sorry for making you wait, seul <3"

you stared at the message long before giving an 'okay' emoji as a response.

you took a deep breath, unsure of what you're feeling right now. you're happy, yes, because it's been a year now since you've last seen her in person and you're just happy that she's back in the country for vacation.

on the other hand, you're anxious. she's been using the term 'we' since she invited you out for dinner tonight. it would have been better if it's just the two of you. but the 'we' in her messages meant a companion--her girlfriend.

you slumped on the chair, sliding your butt onto the edge and taking in another deep breath, asking yourself why does it have to be like this.

why did you even agree on meeting her?

is it because you missed her so much you're willing to endure the pain of getting introduced to her girlfriend?

"this is suicide," you whispered, shaking your head.

you're starting to have second thoughts now. there's still time. you can always cancel it. your brain is already coming up with excuses to ditch them. you know you'll end up getting hurt after this meeting, but will it be all worth it?

is she worth it?

somehow you knew you agreed to this meeting because you wanted to move on from her. maybe seeing her happy with her girlfriend will finally give you the closure you want--the closure she didn't know you need.

maybe seeing her today will make you realize that you and she are impossible. that whatever feelings you've been harboring for the past eleven years will magically vanish.

you can only hope.

because deep inside, you know that if your feelings for her would change, it should've changed years ago. it's not like you didn't try. you've tried your best to forget her. you found yourself in the arms of different lovers these past few years. and although those relationships didn't work, you can confidently say that they were serious ones.

it's just that they aren't working out either for you or your partner. you don't know the exact reason.

maybe it's them?

or maybe it's you?

because even though you've tried, you know deep down inside that you've never forgotten her. she's always your priority whenever she's around. one of your exes even broke up with you because of jealousy over her.

you never told her that. she doesn't need to know anyway.

and all your other lovers felt her great importance in your life no matter how hard you try to hide it.

maybe that's just how it is.

you tapped your fingers on the table, inwardly asking yourself if things would've been different if you confessed to her. you didn't dare to do that before because you thought she was straight. although she's generally sweet with women, she never showed interest in them romantically. and you're convinced she's straight because you spent nights staying up late listening to her stories about her crush, her first love, and her first heartbreak which were all men.

who would've thought that going to the west would change her perspective?

who would've thought that she'll facetime you one night to say that she's got a girlfriend? and she looked so excited and in love.

she doesn't have the slightest idea how much she broke you that night.

but yeah, you had to pretend because she is your friend.

you'd rather be close to her--even though it's painful--than her staying away from you only because you wanted to be more than just that.


	2. meeting

you were only twelve when you first met her.

your mom dragged you and your brother into a party hosted by the subdivision's council (where your mom is an active member). you were very much uninterested in attending until your mom said there's a lot of food in there, making you and your brother agree.

a familiar woman, whom you've often seen visiting your house, greeted your mom like it's the first time they've seen each other for years (she was just in your home yesterday).

you decided to go back to your food because it is way more interesting than seeing your mom and her friend talk. but before doing so, you noticed a familiar girl from your school that's holding the hand of your mom's friend.

she has a long black hair dangling past her shoulders. she's wearing a plain purple dress, prettier than the pair of khakis and marvel t-shirt you are sporting.

the girl met eyes with you. and judging from the slight change in her emotion, you knew she recognized you. you know she's your senior by three years. but even with the age difference, you're about the same height now.

your mom introduced you to the other girl. being raised as nice kids, you and your brother said hi politely. joohyun, that's her name. you think that her pretty name suits her pretty face well.

still, you spare her no interest as your food is way more important than anything in the world now.

little did you know your world will revolve around this fifteen-year-old girl in the next ten years (or so) of your life.

\---

after going with your mom twice a week for the weekly meetings (where joohyun is there as well with her mom), you found yourself finally getting closer to her.

it all started when the meeting went longer than usual. you and joohyun were sitting at the back, waiting for your moms to pick you up. there were also other kids in the area, but the two of you are having your little world.

you were talking about random stuff and gossips about school. you enjoy looking at her while she chirps beside you. it was a fairly normal conversation until she threw a question that caught you off-guard.

"seulgi, do you have a crush in school?"

your eyebrows rose, unsure of how to answer her question. you haven't thought of that.

"i... i don't have one..." you said.

"why?"

"i am more interested in playing games than looking at people."

she giggled. "yeah. i noticed. you usually go home right after school, right?"

"yup. need to do homework right away and some chores so mom would allow me to play games after."

she stared at you, smiling. you avoided her eyes by looking at the adults in front of you instead.

"i'm just wondering..." she leaned in closer, her arm propped on her knee with her chin resting on her hand. "who could be the lucky person to get kang seulgi's attention?"

you're not sure what's happening within you, but you felt your face heating up. somewhere at the back of your brain, a voice wanted to answer 'you'. but you shook your head instead, trying to fight the internal panic you are experiencing. whatever she's doing now, it's just teasing you, and you need to stay in one piece.

"how would i know if what i'm feeling towards someone is a crush?" you asked her.

she pulled back, collecting her thoughts. "first of all, you find him attractive."

you secretly smiled at her usage of 'him'. it's not going the case for you.

she continued, "second, you're feeling nervous when he's around or when he looks at you."

yup, exactly the reason your eyes are glued to the adults in front and not to the pretty girl beside you.

"and third, his mere existence makes your day complete," she says, stifling a yawn.

now you finally know the reason you keep volunteering to go with your mom on these meetings. you wanted to see joohyun. you just love how her face lits up when she sees you. it's the most beautiful thing you've seen so far you would trade an hour or two of video games just to have a glimpse of her and her smile.

"have you ever felt that, seulgi?" she asked.

you were about to speak up, but you felt her move, scooting closer and tucking her arm in yours. your body stiffened at that. you pretend to relax. you always see her walking arm in arm with her friends in school. this is a regular thing. you don't need to worry.

just as you're about to relax, you felt her head resting on your shoulder, leaning her weight on yours.

you swallowed a lump in your throat, thankful you're not melting in your seat.

but her fragrance is filling your senses. you can't help but blink while trying to take in everything. you secretly hope you don't look like a stupid kid now.

joohyun tapped your arm. "hey, loosen up. you're too tense."

you let out an exhale you didn't know you were holding. your shoulders finally relaxed. you didn't dare to spare her a look knowing her face will be close to you.

"i'm sorry, unnie. i'm just not used to people cuddling to me like this," you reasoned.

the moment she felt your body relaxed, she moved in closer (if there's still a way you could be closer), fitting her head perfectly on your shoulder. "it's fine. you have a brother. i don't expect you guys to get all cuddly like this."

"yeah. we punch and kick each other to show our affection."

she laughed. you loved the feeling of how her body shakes along with it.

"i always wanted a little sister. i wanted someone whom i can fix hair and practice putting makeup on. but my mom isn't capable of having another child so i'm stuck with myself," she says.

you smiled. her voice seemed relaxed. it soothes you. "at least you get the toys for yourself. my brother and i always fight over our time in using playstation."

"it's still lonely at times." she stayed silent for a while until she lightly yanked your arm. "hey, what about you become my little sister?"

you chuckled. "i'll pass."

she pulled her head back to look at you. "yah! a lot of people want to be close to me and you're just rejecting my offer?"

you laughed. "unnie, i'm afraid i don't fit the idea of the sister you have in mind."

she stared at you for a moment, particularly at the black shirt you are wearing with a batman logo on it. she sighed. "you're right. okay. then let's be friends."

"aren't we friends yet?"

"well, you still ignore me in school, you know."

"oh. i just feel awkward to greet you if you're with your friends. they may find it weird that you're friends with a 6th grader."

"they won't. and who cares? don't worry. i'll be the first to greet you next time."

you spared her a glance and saw her smiling at you. "okay."

"yipee!" she hugged your arm tight like she's won the lottery.

you are more relaxed this time. you loved the feeling of her body against yours.

if being friends with her means being treated in this way, then you're willing to do it over and over.


	3. crush

it's just a simple crush.

yup. that's what you keep telling yourself.

you've been getting crushes since you were in preschool. and at a very young age, you already discovered that you're attracted to girls. the boys around were just mere playmates.

you kept it to yourself though because you were afraid of what your brother or your parents would say.

you thought that this attraction you're getting towards girls would fade away once you grow up.

but here you are now, already in the adolescent stage, still crushing on girls. it's starting to dawn to you that this is a permanent thing now because what you're feeling towards joohyun is different from your previous crushes.

you just can't help it. she's charming and always acts sweetly. you like how elegant she moves, even how she sits. you like how she smiles at you when she greets you. you like how her face frowns, and even her yawns.

his charisma of hers affects not only you but a vast population of students in your school. you've heard rumors about boys and girls wanting to date her. she's been also receiving confessions from random people from time to time. love letters keep appearing in her locker.

it came to a point where your very own brother admitted he has a slight crush on her too. they are in the same year. he sees her more often than you do. can't blame him. it's joohyun, for pete's sake. everyone finds her attractive.

your brother's infatuation for joohyun is somehow good because you can freely talk about her in your house knowing that someone's interested to hear more about her. on the other side, it hurts you knowing that he's got a chance over you to win this girl.

lucky for you, his feelings for her faded when they entered high school. your brother started dating other women saying that joohyun is way out of his league.

your friendship with her continued. although you have a different set of friends at school, joohyun finds time to see you and spend time with you after school. staying over and sleepover became a regular thing. your mothers were pleased and supportive of your friendship with her. and since she's older than you, you sometimes ask for her help with your projects (because your brother is too lazy to do so).

your days start getting filled with happiness because of her. you thought you're contented being friends with her as long as you stay like that forever.

as if you can stay like that forever.

\---

"what do you think of sehun?"

you turned to the girl who's lying beside you on your bed, not feeling good where this talk is heading. the image of the said boy popped in your head: tall guy, pretty face; someone a typical girl would surely notice.

"he looks... okay..." you said.

joohyun giggled. "he asked me out for a date this morning."

you're already used to joohyun telling you stories of confession from people. her usual response is to decline them politely. but this sehun guy seemed to hit the jackpot. maybe it's because she's already seventeen and is now looking to have a boyfriend?

"and you said yes?" you asked.

joohyun pulled the sheets over to cover her face up to her nose. she looked at you, her eyes forming into crescent moons. "yes!"

it's just funny how you love seeing her smile and hating it at the same time because it's not you who's the reason behind it.

"so, when's the date?" you tried to sound interested.

"tomorrow! and i'm feeling nervous, seul!" she screamed softly, her feet kicking on the bed.

you knew something like this would eventually happen, but you never expect that it'll crush your fourteen-year-old heart this hard.

"then, break a leg. i hope you'll enjoy your date, unnie."

she turned to her side to face you, putting an arm and her leg over your body like you're some sort of big pillow. "i want you to come with me tomorrow, seul."

"come with you? why?"

"i don't know. i just don't feel comfortable going with him alone." she buried her face in your neck. you felt her sigh against your skin.

being friends with joohyun for two years made you used to her sweet actions--that includes cuddling, cheek kissing, and even holding hands.

but even after two years of getting exposed to those gestures, you still feel nervous (and extremely happy) when she does that.

"but sehun might kill me. plus, i don't want third-wheeling your date."

"he won't. i already told him that i won't go with him unless you come."

you tilted your head, feeling the crown of her head on your cheek. something warm is filling your chest. "and he agreed?"

"yes. he's got no choice anyway."

you sighed. "unnie, this is a bad idea."

"why? don't you want to come with me?"

"i do. but--"

"please come with me, seul. please!" joohyun propped herself on her elbows to look down at you. "i won't enjoy it without you."

her face is too close that you kept your eyes staring at the ceiling. you heaved another sigh to relieve the tension.

how can you say no if she's looking at you like that?

"fine."

"eeee! thank you!" she hugged you again, her head on your chest now.

although you wanted to wrap your arms around her, they stayed on your side. you never made a move to reciprocate her actions, afraid that she'll feel uncomfortable.

your mind drifted away, wondering to yourself how long you'll be able to endure the situation you are in now.

\---

her first love was your first heartbreak. you knew it was coming, but that didn't stop you from shedding some tears secretly.

then her first heartbreak came. you were the crying shoulders for her. it became a cycle. she'll entertain a new guy in her life, and you'll feel sad about it, then they'll break up after a few months for whatever reason.

it usually makes you sad when you hear news about a new boyfriend, but in time you became used to it.

the funny thing about her having a boyfriend is she never made you feel like she has one. she always makes sure to catch up with you regularly, and sometimes she asks you to visit her house even if her boyfriend is around. and since you have this "bro aura", you became friends with those guys quickly.

some of them stayed friends with you long after their break up.

\---

you were also seventeen when you had your first relationship. she's jisoo, a girl who is a year younger than you and is a new member of the dance club you are in.

you weren't expecting it would happen. it's just that you developed this chemistry with jisoo right away when she joined the club. after that, you kept going out with her alone. and within three months, you two were officially together.

joohyun that time was already attending university in the city where she is boarding. although you see her only every sem break, you always keep in touch through call or sms. joohyun makes it to a point to catch up with you once in a while.

it didn't hurt that much anymore when she said she got a new boyfriend. for the first time since she started dating, you felt genuinely happy that she's thrilled with her new relationship. maybe it's because jisoo was a good distraction for you. jisoo made you feel loved. all the euphoria you got from your first kiss and first night together is clouding your brain from any joohyun-related thoughts.

you're happy because you've finally moved on from joohyun after five years of harboring feelings towards her.

you are happy because you stopped missing her.

you are happy because you finally stopped waiting for her messages or calls to arrive. your inbox is now filled with jisoo's.

for the first time since you've met joohyun, you were able to focus your attention away from her.

yes, you were happy because you thought you've already moved on.

yup, that's the problem, because you only thought.


	4. missed

"is it just me or is this joohyun unnie of yours looks a bit like jisoo?"

you shot your head up at seungwan, your friend from the club who's sitting across you. for some reasons, 'joohyun unnie of yours' had put a smile on your face. however, the smile faded when her words finally made sense to you.

"they don't look alike." you frowned.

seungwan snorted. she pushed your phone back to you. "look closer."

you stared at the picture. it's one of the many selcas joohyun took using your phone. after staring at it for another five seconds, you realized what seungwan meant.

"well, there's a bit of resemblance," you admitted, sliding a finger on your phone to look at her other pictures. "but maybe in that angle only. if you see her in person, you'll know what i mean, wannie."

"mmm-mmm. is she really coming to watch our show next week?"

"yeah. she said she hadn't seen me dance yet, so she wants to watch."

"i thought she's attending school? is she coming back home just to watch you dance and will travel back to her dorm after?"

"it's her birthday two weeks from now, so she's staying for another week to spend time with her family too."

"ahh. does jisoo know about this? about her?"

"i've mentioned unnie to her several times now. she knows all about our closeness."

"by closeness, you meant jisoo knows about your feelings for this woman?"

you eyed seungwan. you slowly shook your head no. "she doesn't need to know about that. besides, i'm over unnie now. there's nothing to tell anyway."

seungwan slumped forward on the table, her eyes on your phone. "over her, huh? but you haven't deleted her pictures yet. has jisoo seen your gallery?"

you sighed. "we've fought over the pictures before. i told jisoo we're just friends. i gave her all the access to my social media accounts so she can view all my conversation with unnie. that somehow convinced her nothing is really going on between us."

seungwan nodded, pushing herself back from the table. "how about joohyun sunbae? does she know about jisoo?"

"i've mentioned jisoo a few times but only as a friend. she doesn't need to know about the relationship."

"what? why? you've been with jisoo for over a year now, right?" asked seungwan, surprised. "why not admit to your friend what you really are? i'm sure she'll understand. she's been very open with you about her relationships too."

"i can't, wannie. i'm not sure if she's open to this type of relationship. i don't want her to avoid me."

seungwan's mouth opened, but no words came out. she blinked a few times before sighing. "seulgi, please tell me you didn't pursue jisoo just because she reminds you of your friend joohyun."

"no!" you answered her quickly. "what i feel for jisoo is genuine. it's got nothing to do with her looking somewhat alike unnie. i didn't even realize that until today after you mentioned it."

seungwan gave you that look like she's expecting you to continue. "but?"

"there's no but. i love jisoo, okay?"

seungwan raised her palms. "okay. okay. i am not arguing about your affection towards your girlfriend, okay? i'm just concerned about your feelings towards your very special friend. if what you're saying is true--that you've already moved on--then that's good for you. but if you still feel the same way towards her, i'm sure jisoo will eventually notice that no matter how hard you'll try to hide it. and it'll hurt her."

spot on. you've worried about the same thing after joohyun confirmed that she's coming to see you perform. these past few months were easy because you weren't seeing her. and with jisoo by your side, things became lighter.

you've been avoiding joohyun for a year now by going to out-of-town trips when she comes home to visit. constant apologizing and saying you'll make it up with her next time somehow fixes the issue with the older woman. but now, you can't escape her. she's coming home to see you. and she demands to see you.

you wonder how you'll feel when you see her again.

you wonder if it's going to be the same between the two of you.

and jisoo, will she notice? what will you tell her if she does?

the last thing that you wanted to do is to hurt her.

\---

this will be your last performance with the dance club as you're going to graduate from high school in a few months.

so you gave it all.

you danced like you owned the stage and the world. you set aside your personality for a while and performed like you're some sort of star. it worked because people kept screaming your name.

the performance ended with a blast. you and your club members were so happy you decided to have a little dinner celebration. you checked your phone for the first time that night and frowned because there's no single message from joohyun yet.

but as you were walking out of the dressing room with jisoo and seungwan, you spotted a small figure from afar waiting outside. you stopped in your tracks because even with that distance you can identify the person.

oversized maroon sweater, tight fit pants, hair tied in a topknot style--yup, that's her.

she stood up after seeing you, a broad smile etched on her face. she took a step towards you. you did the same.

another step.

you felt your heart beating fast like for the first time in months you felt alive again.

few more steps.

eventually, the steps accelerated. you find yourself striding--no, running towards her--excited to touch her and feel her again.

as you were about to reach her, she stretched her arms wide. you knew what's coming next.

she practically jumped at you, her arms encircling your neck. you held her by the waist to support her as you twirled her around.

her shrieked laughter echoed in the area, but you don't care. you missed her, and you are sure that she missed you too. you asked yourself why did you even have the courage to avoid her these past few months. that was so stupid of you.

you spun her around twice before putting her down slowly. she pulled back.

"you were so cool, seul!" she said, her face full of excitement. "i didn't know you can dance like that!"

"i didn't know either." you scratched your nape. "thanks for coming here tonight."

joohyun punched your arm. "yah. i'm still mad at you. you've been doing this for the whole duration of your high school, and you just thought of mentioning it to me recently? i could have watched all your performances if i had known."

you just smiled at her apologetically. it usually works when you do that.

it did work because she smiled back. she eyed the collar of your checkered dress shirt and fixed the creases gently with her hand.

"and you were so hot there, seul," she whispered, almost inaudible. "if my hearing still works perfectly, i think you had more female fans than men."

you chuckled, looking away to hide your blushing face. did she just say you're hot?

"eherm." jisoo appeared on the side with seungwan.

crap. how could you even forget that you're with your girlfriend and best friend?

"by the way, unnie," you said, bringing a hand to joohyun's waist to face the other two people in the area, "these are my friends from the club, seungwan and jisoo. and guys, this is joohyun unnie in the flesh."

"wow. we can finally put a face to the name. seulgi has told us a lot of stories about you," said seungwan, lightening up the mood.

"awe. that's so sweet of you, ddeulgi." joohyun playfully pinched your cheek. "this bear over here has told me stories about you two as well. it's really nice to meet you finally."

"same here," said jisoo. then she looked at you. "unfortunately, seulgi has forgotten to tell us that you look this pretty in person."

you gulped at that. you knew what that look meant.

"why, thank you." joohyun slightly leaned her head on your arm. "it's such an honor to be regarded as pretty by a pretty person herself."

you and seungwan looked at each other.

"i'll see you tomorrow, seulgi, okay?" said joohyun, facing you. "i'm guessing that you'll have a little celebration with your club members. i heard one of them mentioned it when they passed in front of me."

"yup. we're going out for dinner." you turned to seungwan and jisoo. "guys, i'll just go with her to get a cab. wait for me here, okay?"

"yeah, sure. again, it was nice meeting you, joohyun sunbae," said seungwan, smiling genuinely.

"hmm. why don't you come with us?" said jisoo, making you turn to her with bulging eyes. "i'm sure seulgi wants your company as well."

"b-but she doesn't know anyone from the club," you said, unsure of what's running on your girlfriend's mind. "i don't want her to feel out-of-place."

"it's just my suggestion, seul. what do you think, sunbae?"

"well, i'm pretty hungry myself," said joohyun. she looked at you and fixed your bangs. "plus, i really missed spending time with this bear. so, why not? sure. i'll come with you guys."

seulgi.exe stopped working.

you stood there like a robot, unsure of what trouble you had put yourself into.


	5. birthday

"since when, seulgi?"

you swallowed a lump in your throat, unable to look at the eyes of your girlfriend. you were happily having dinner with the club members in the restaurant when jisoo stood up all of a sudden and told everyone she's going home because she's not feeling well. you followed her out, telling everyone you'll walk her to the bus stop.

and now, here you two are, talking about your joohyun unnie.

"answer me, seulgi. don't give me the that 'i don't see her the same way' bullshit. i don't believe that."

"how many times should i tell you it's not like that?" you took a step towards her, but she avoided your touch. "unnie and i are just friends. you've seen our conversations, right?"

"but it was just chat conversation, seul. it's totally different when you two are together. have you seen how you looked together?"

you groaned. you know she's talking about how joohyun had been clinging on you like a koala.

"unnie has been like that with all her friends. not just with me," you said.

"oh really? does that include her getting all the veggies from your plate without you two talking about it?" asked jisoo, sarcastic. "and you just picked the chicken meat from her plate too like you've been married for a long time now, huh? how sweet."

"because that's what we've done ever since!" you're getting a little annoyed now. "i've known her since i was twelve! we practically grew up together."

"you could have at least avoided her clinging too much on you. i'm your girlfriend, seulgi. you should have at least considered that!"

you sighed, biting your lip to control your emotions. "look. i'm sorry. it is my fault. unnie doesn't even know about us so please don't blame this on her. it is my fault."

"and now you're defending her." jisoo shook her head. "you know what i realized today? the reason you didn't want us to go public is not because you were afraid of people judging us or judging you. you were afraid she'll find out. am i correct?"

you looked down, not sure of what to respond. jisoo is right. you're keeping your relationship with jisoo from your friends (except for seungwan), and your family because you don't want joohyun to know about it. as you've previously told seungwan, you don't want joohyun to avoid you.

"do me a favor, seulgi," said jisoo, making you look up. "admit it to yourself first. you will end up nowhere if you'll keep running away from that feeling of yours."

you felt your heart beating fast. your eyes are warm. for a moment there you just want to cry and tell jisoo how you've tried to fight your feelings for years. but you can't do that. not in front of jisoo. the best you could do now is to save her from getting hurt any longer.

"and please, the next time you'll get yourself a girlfriend, make sure you're really over your best friend." jisoo turned her back at you. "bye, seulgi."

that was the last time jisoo talked to you.

\---

it has been a week now since you and jisoo broke up.

you didn't make an effort to reach out to her after that. you don't want to hurt her any longer. jisoo and seungwan were right; you haven't moved on from joohyun.

you shed a few tears the night you broke up, but it wasn't as painful when joohyun told you before about her first boyfriend. it made you realize it's still joohyun all this time. it's always been her.

your phone buzzed. you smiled when you saw a message coming from 'baechu' demanding you to go to her house. you have spent time with each other since she came back to visit last week.

and since it's her birthday today, who are you to say no to this princess of yours?

\---

"seulgi, i'm bored."

your shoulder felt heavy when joohyun rested her head on it. you adjusted your position on the couch so she can lean comfortably. it's just you and her in the house. her parents went out to get some foods for her birthday.

"but you're the one who picked this movie, unnie. do you want to change it?"

"no. i don't want to watch anymore. i want to do something."

you tilted your head to look down at her. "and that is?"

you heard her smile. "i want to dance."

"dance? like dance around here?"

"yeah. i still haven't moved on from your performance last week, especially your duo dance. teach me how to dance, seul."

"are you serious?"

joohyun stood up and held her hand towards you. "i haven't tried dancing before. it's fascinating for me, but i haven't really thought of doing it."

you held her hand hesitantly and followed when she pulled you up. "don't tell me none of your ex-boyfriends asked you to dance before?"

joohyun smiled, shaking her head.

"those dumbasses," you muttered, pulling joohyun gently. "you're lucky you have a dancer for a friend."

joohyun chuckled. "yes, i'm so lucky to have you, my ddeulgi."

you didn't mind the possession as you're already used to hearing that from her. you went on and taught her some dance moves from your performance. your laughter filled the house. after about an hour, she felt tired. instead of stopping, you opted for a bolder step by asking her to do a sweet dance with you.

"are you comfortable?" you asked after you felt her body stiffened with your touch on her waist.

"y-yeah... i'm just... i just haven't done this before..." she giggled, blushing a little. she wrapped her arms around your neck. "like this?"

you hummed. "step on my feet."

she looked down, stepping her little feet over yours gently. "this looks painful, seulgi."

you laughed. "it's not. trust me. now, just follow my lead, okay?"

she nodded. you start swaying her slowly around the house with your hum as your music.

"this is so cool." joohyun looked up at you, "and really sweet."

you smiled at her. you pulled her head closer to your shoulder. "happy birthday, unnie."

you felt joohyun relax on our shoulder. she buried her face deep in the crook of your neck. "thanks, seul. thanks for making this day special."

you continued humming as you sway her around slowly, getting lost in this blissful moment you share.

"when did you become this tall?" she whispered. "i haven't seen you for a year, and now you're already taller than i am."

you chuckled. "i'm already eighteen. i may stop growing now."

"it's not just the height though. you've changed. like you've matured. you're no longer the baby bear i used to remember."

you looked around the room. you knew the reason for that change and maturity she was talking about. getting intimate with jisoo made you more comfortable towards joohyun. you know where to touch her. you finally know how to handle her. and you didn't mind even though you felt joohyun is getting a bit surprised with that.

"is that something good?" you asked.

"definitely good."

you stayed like that for minutes until you felt her body getting heavier. you knew she's dosing off. being the naughty kid you are, you scooped her in your arms, bringing her out of trance.

"seulgi? what are you doing?" her hand on your neck tightened to support her weight.

"you're about to sleep on me so i'll bring you to your bed."

"but i'm heavy!"

"no, you're not!"

joohyun laughed as you carried her bridal style to her room. you threw her on the bed. and because she's holding on you, you followed suit, landing on top of her.

"you're crazy, seul!" she laughed.

you propped your weight on your elbows and looked down at her. "i take that you enjoyed it."

"i do! i do!"

you raised an eyebrow. "so, none of those dumbasses carried you like that before?"

joohyun shook her head, still smiling at you. her fingers are playing on your nape.

"your exes were all boring," you snorted.

"yeah. maybe i should be with you, huh?"

you stopped. your mouth ajar. you looked down at her, not sure if she's joking or not. you wish you could find out because if there's one thing you'd want to do at this very moment, it's to kiss her.

joohyun's face shifted from being playful to serious. she blushed after realizing what she said. but she didn't take her eyes off you. her arms were still on your neck.

you don't know if you just imagined it, but you felt her heart beating fast against your chest.

but the honk of the car's horn outside the house disturbed the moment. joohyun's parents are back.

she pulled away from you without saying a word and went down to open the gate for them.

you ate dinner with her family. although joohyun has treated you normally, you noticed how she keeps avoiding your eyes.

you never talked about what happened after.


	6. introduced

you smiled at the memory as you stare outside the coffee shop you are in, still waiting for joohyun and her girlfriend to arrive.

joohyun and her girlfriend.

you grunted.

it still irks you knowing the event that transpired between the two of you on her twenty-first birthday gave you hope--a false hope.

you can't blame your eighteen-year-old self for thinking that way. you were sure she felt something that moment; you can tell by the way she looked at you, and by how her hand trembled on your nape.

for a moment there, you thought it was possible, that she may have feelings for you too.

but yeah, as much as it hurts to admit it, it was just false hope.

she didn't talk to you for weeks after that, even after she got back to her dormitory. there's still her usual good morning and good night messages but you two didn't talk like you usually do. she messaged you one time to say she's busy with the finals and is hoping everything is okay with you.

the next time you spoke to her (after almost a month), she told you all about her new boyfriend. and like the usual, she seemed happy about it.

so you end up confused and wondering what the hell happened between the two of you on her birthday?

maybe she felt something for you?

but whatever it is that she felt, she just shrugged it off?

maybe she realized she's into guys and whatever attraction she felt towards you, it was just because you are very dear to her?

but why does she have a girlfriend now? you just can't wrap your mind around it.

the footsteps ascending the stairs pulled you out of your musing. you heard murmurs of what seemed like two people. from the staircase appeared joohyun who's clinging onto a taller person.

you felt your heart warming up at the sight of her. her unwavering beauty still affects you like it's the first time. she's wearing a black dress with a dark blue coat over it. her long wavy her is hanging loosely, and you can't help yourself from marveling at her beauty.

damn. if there's a medicine to help you forget her, you will buy it now no matter how expensive it is. because seriously, joohyun's effect on you never falters.

you stood up, and joohyun spotted you right away. she waved, immediately dragging the other person with her towards your table.

"hey! long time no see." she reached over, hugging you and cheek kissing you. she pulled back. "wow. looking great, huh? how are you?"

"just fine. busy with work but i'm fine." you forced a smile. you looked at the other person standing. "hello, there. i'm seulgi."

"amber," said the androgynous woman who held her hand in front of you. "nice meeting you, seulgi."

"likewise." you shook her hand back, staring intently at her appearance.

maybe this is what joohyun prefers? a woman who looks like a man?

unlike amber, you have a more feminine appearance: longer hair which you usually put into a messy bun like today, dress shirts that are still girly and tight fit pants are your usual fashion style.

"let's order food now. i'm hungry," said joohyun. the three of you sat down and placed your orders.

"i've heard a lot of things about you, seulgi," said amber. she glanced at joohyun. "if you weren't her childhood best friend i'd think my girlfriend here has a crush on you."

you laughed at it even though deep inside you hoped it's true. joohyun, on the other hand, slapped amber in the arm.

"babe! don't say things like that. i haven't seen seulgi for a year, okay? i'm really excited to meet her today. and it was hard getting her to say yes because of her schedule."

babe. you smiled. that's what she's been using with her past lovers.

you shook your head and focused on amber. "unnie has been like that ever since. she still holds the 'sweetest girl i've ever met' title in my ranking."

joohyun turned to look at you, looking a bit surprised.

"the same joohyun i know." amber nods. "so, what's keeping you busy?"

"umm. i'm a musical theater performer," you said.

"wow. that's cool! do you dance, sing, or just act?"

"i do all of them." you reached for your nape out of embarrassment. "but i'm still a newbie, you know. nothing much to brag about."

"triple threat, huh?" said amber, still looking amazed. "is it tiring?"

"well, yeah. it's pretty time demanding. i just got an off today after two weeks of practice. we're having like seven shows a week. the auditions are pretty tiring at times."

"but do you enjoy what you're doing?" asked joohyun, looking concerned.

"i definitely do." you gave her an assuring smile. "no matter how stressful it is, i still feel fulfilled by the end of the day."

"that's good."

"how about you, amber? what's keeping you busy aside from babysitting unnie here," you asked, sparing joohyun a playful glance which she responded with a pout.

amber laughed before placing an arm over joohyun's shoulder. "i do run an online business--e-commerce."

"ahh. that's nice. getting paid even though you're sleeping, huh?"

amber pointed an imaginary gun at you. "exactly. but it still requires a lot of work and monitoring. but at least i have the power over my schedule. can still spend some quality time with this baby here." she playfully pinched joohyun's cheek.

you heaved a sigh and looked around the restaurant, trying to stop yourself from imagining what 'quality time' meant.

"hey, seul. you okay?" joohyun reached for your hand on the table.

you felt the heat in her touch. you pulled your hand away. if you let her treat you like how she did before, it may give you false hopes again, especially now that she's in a relationship with a woman--basically what you've dreamed of since you realized you like her.

"yeah. umm. i'm just hungry." you faked a chuckle as you noticed the quick change in joohyun's face when you pulled your hand subtly. "so, how did you two meet?"

"we live in the same building," answered amber. "we're not really close, but joohyun came to my rescue one night."

joohyun smiled. "amber is living with her sister. then one night, i found her standing outside her room, locked out, looking bored and pissed like an angry llama."

"can you blame me? i've stood there for freaking 2 hours!" amber flailed her arms out of exaggeration. she turned to you. "i left my keys inside. just my luck, my sister was just coming home from traveling, so i had no choice but to wait for her. good thing, joohyun here, the pretty asian girl next door, asked me to stay over her place while i wait."

you folded your arms on the table, looking at them with a smile on your face.

compared to the other guys joohyun dated, you liked the vibe of this amber. seeing joohyun this happy makes you feel happy for her too.

if only it was easy to be happy for her without getting hurt, it would be perfect.

if only.

"how about you, seul, are you single?"

you blinked at amber, didn't expect the question. joohyun is looking at you too. "umm. it depends on what you mean by single." you chuckled. "i mean, yes, i'm legally single."

amber laughed. "but are you available?"

"umm. yeah. i am." you looked down at your fiddling hands on the table, unable to look at joohyun. "there is someone right now, but we're not really in a committed relationship. we're just hanging out and having fun."

"having fun, huh? if i may ask, is this a her or a him?" amber inquired further.

you pressed your lips together, looking away and tapping your fingers on the table. you looked at joohyun for a second and smiled to yourself.

there's no point trying to hide it now.

"it's a her," you said. you noticed how joohyun suddenly got busy looking for stuff in her bag.

"ahh. nice. i remember joohyun mentioned people branded you as girl crush when you were still in the dance club. when i saw you, i knew what she meant," said amber. "you should have brought your friend here. the more, the merrier, right?"

you shook your head. "i can't. i mean, i don't want to. as unnie has said, we haven't seen each other for a year and for tonight i want it to be all about her."

joohyun, who was busy fixing her bag, stopped and slowly turned to you, her eyes on the table. she clung onto amber's arm like a kid who's afraid of getting lost in the city.

"plus, i made a promise to myself that i won't introduce anyone to unnie unless i'm really serious about that person," you said to lighten up the mood. "and this one doesn't fall to that category yet."

"that's sweet," said amber. "how about joohyun here? how many past lovers had she introduced to you before?"

you and joohyun looked at each other. you smiled at her playfully. she blushed. "you don't want to know. i already lost count."

that helped in bringing joohyun to her senses. she reached over to slap your hand playfully. "seulgi! you're making it sound like i'm a playgirl! i shouldn't have introduced you to them. hmp."

"i never thought of you in that way." you laughed. "i may not have said it before, but it's always been an honor for me to get introduced to your lovers."

"yeah. because unlike you, i don't keep secrets from my best friend." joohyun rolled her eyes.

"it's not my intention. i just don't want to surprise you with my relationships."

"then why tell us now?"

"i knew you would understand now because we have amber here, right?"

"why? did you seriously think that i wasn't aware of your relationship with jisoo before? did you hear me say something? i didn't, right?"

that surprised you. "y-you knew...?"

"c'mon, seulgi. i'm not dumb not to notice how much she looked jealous that night when i joined dinner with your club members."

you creased your brows, unsure of how to take what she admitted.

because if she knew you and jisoo were already together that time, then why was she sweet and possessive of you that night?


	7. distraction

you end up apologizing to joohyun about hiding your past relationships from her. the mood went back to being fun when the foods came as amber kept telling stories about her childhood in la.

as the conversation continues, you found out that joohyun's employer granted her a one month vacation. she and amber will be staying in the city for a week so the latter can catch up with some relatives and friends. after that, they will travel back to your hometown to meet joohyun's parents, staying over there until she hears again from the company while amber will be flying back to la a few days later.

the conversation went light. nothing extraordinary.

you parted ways after dinner. cheek kissing joohyun goodbye felt awkward now compared to earlier. something has changed with her. maybe she felt uncomfortable because you finally opened yourself up?

she conversed with you and amber over dinner. but you know her all too well to tell something's going on her mind. but you know there's no point trying to get that out of her. as much as she's claiming she's not hiding things from you, you are sure she has a set of secrets she's keeping from you.

and now you're all alone again, walking on the street, remembering the image of amber's arm on joohyun's waist as they walk away after saying goodbye to you. the pain that wasn't there earlier is back in full measure now. you're supposed to take a cab to your apartment, but you canceled the idea of going home immediately. you know once you hit your bed, you'll cry again.

you won't let that happen. not tonight.

you need a distraction.

you checked your phone, rereading the message from sunmi asking, "are you coming over tonight?"

you replied, "yes. be there in ten minutes."

her apartment is two blocks away from where you had your dinner with joohyun and amber. this is an easier route than going home to your apartment and sulking all alone. maybe you'll save your tears for tomorrow. but for tonight, you want to forget joohyun (hopefully). you want to erase her image from your head.

even just for tonight, you want freedom from her thoughts.

sunmi pulled you in right away for a wet kiss after she opened the door for you. you kissed her back fully, your hands on her cheeks. you're trying to erase joohyun's image on your mind because you know somewhere in the city, she could be doing the same thing with amber at this very moment.

you closed your eyes tightly, kissing sunmi more, wanting to block the image in your head.

erase. erase. erase.

sunmi pulled away to breathe. "wow... seulgi... you're so intense tonight, huh?"

"i..." you tried to breathe in as well. "i just missed you."

"oh, you big bear." sunmi pulled your head closer for a soft kiss. "you don't need to play all mushy on me. i know you met up with this unnie of yours, right?"

"which unnie? you are also my unnie, you know..."

"okay. let me rephrase. you met up with this favorite unnie of yours, right?"

you stared at sunmi, nodding.

"and how was it?"

"it was fine. she's with her girlfriend."

sunmi held your hand, pulling you to the living room. "ahh. is the girlfriend pretty?"

"handsome, actually. like an idol."

sunmi laughed. "and you're jealous, huh?"

you sighed. "how i wish i'm not, unnie, but i am. i really am."

"hey." sunmi lifted your chin so you can look at her. "how many times do i have to tell you to stop calling me unnie when we're alone?"

"i'm sorry. i'm just so down now. i think i'm going crazy knowing they could be--" you paused, looking around. "i'm a mess."

"i understand. don't worry." sunmi placed her hand over your shoulders, removing your jacket. "just focus on me. i'll make you forget her tonight."

you closed your eyes when sunmi kissed you again. you kissed her back gently. your jacket fell on the floor, and you held her by her waist as you slowly walk to her bedroom.

since you started this 'relationship' with sunmi, you were very open about your feelings for joohyun. that's how you two became friends. sunmi is one of your seniors at work who happens to be just as lovesick as you are. one night, after a successful performance, you two went out for a drink, told each other your frustrations, and end up getting laid in your apartment.

from then on, it went like that. you prefer it that way because you don't want a relationship with someone who sees joohyun as a competition.

joohyun.

her face is flashing on your mind again. her smile. the way she looked earlier. her voice is ringing in your ears.

"just focus on me, seulgi," said sunmi between your kisses, knowing you're drifting away again. she's now removing your dress shirt. "focus on me..."

you laid her down the bed, kissing her neck this time.

focus on her. focus on her.

you keep repeating that in your mind.

it seems to work though. because for what it's worth, you didn't shed a tear that night.

\---

you woke up to the sound of your phone ringing.

your phone usually sits beside you. you then realized you were not in your apartment, and your phone is ringing inside the pocket of your coat hanging on the rack.

you got up groggily and noticed sunmi isn't around. you walked naked around the room, spotting a warm mug on the table with a note that says, "morning! i'm off to work. enjoy your off today :)"

you groaned. you could have slept longer. whoever is calling you will get a piece of you for disturbing your sleep.

you reached for your coat and grabbed your phone. you stared at your phone screen that's flashing 'baechu' as the caller.

your eyebrows furrowed. why is she calling you this early? ahh.

yeah. she knows it's your off today. you put the phone next to your ear.

"unnie--"

"seulgi! where are you!"

you had to move the phone slightly away from your ear because joohyun was shouting. "at home. why?"

"home? i've been ringing your buzzer for thirty minutes now, and you haven't answered me yet! where are you exactly, right now?"

crap.

you massaged your temples. "sorry. i stayed over a friend's place last night."

there was silence on joohyun's side before she managed to say, "are you... are you still in bed...?"

"ahh, no," you said right away, not wanting her to have an idea of what happened last night. "i'm alone now because 'they' have already left for work."

"okay. you're free for today, right?"

"yes. are you alone there? where's your girlfriend?"

"amber's going out to do some extreme activities with her hyper friends. you know me, i don't like heights or anything that produces adrenaline rush. i told her i'll go out with you instead."

"okay." you glanced around the room looking for your clothes. "i'm heading back there now. just hang in there, okay?"

"can you give me the passcode to your door? i don't want to stand here anymore. people are looking at me."

you hesitated. you closed your eyes, trying to remember if there's any weird stuff in your room.

"seulgi?"

"ahh. yes. sure. are you in front of the panel now?"

"yes. just give me the damn passcode please."

"it's... 032991..."

you heard joohyun smile. "really? you're using my birthday as your door passcode?"

you blushed. "well, it's something i will never forget, that's why."

"well, what can i say? i'm flattered."

"don't be. it's just that the system doesn't allow me to use my birthday as the passcode, so i opted for yours. i've no choice."

"yah! why don't you just admit i am special to you?"

you laughed, already imagining joohyun's angry face. "well, you are always special to me. you should know that by now."

"i know. i know. and you're still my ddeulgi, okay?"

"yup. i sure am." you smiled. "i'll see you in a bit, unnie."


	8. college

there were days when joohyun makes you feel like you're the most important person in her life.

like when you started your first year in college, joohyun insisted you room with her because she wants to spend her last year at the university with you. she even ends up switching rooms--and leaving her roommate of 3 years--just to make that happen.

sweet, right?

however, as paradoxical as it may seem, there are some days when she makes you feel like you're just an ordinary friend of hers.

like right now.

maybe she's just really oblivious to what you're feeling. perhaps she doesn't have a clue about it. because whatever she's doing now, it's hurting you like hell, and you want nothing else to do at that very moment but to punch bogum in the face.

bogum. her new boyfriend.

based on your analysis, joohyun's relationships don't last over six months. if you are going to be more accurate, the average is three months. and once the relationship is over, joohyun will stay single for about six months or so until she decides to accept another suitor who will eventually end after a few months.

and this bogum guy is already on his third month. you are seriously hoping it will end soon. you don't like the vibe of the dude. he looks at joohyun like some kind of a trophy girlfriend. he's too proud and arrogant. he treats you well--because joohyun will be mad if he doesn't--but you can feel he's faking it.

as much as you want the separation to happen this month, you know it won't, at least not yet because bogum and joohyun are sweet like newlyweds--even borderline pda--in front of you and their friends. they don't look like someone who's going to break up anytime soon, and it's killing you.

damn. why did you agree to be here again?

ahh. yes. it is friday night. joohyun invited (forced) you to go out for some drinks. you end up hitting the bar with her friends, the couples byulyi and yongsun, heechul and boa, and her boyfriend bogum.

mental note to yourself: learn how to resist joohyun's aegyo soon. otherwise, you'll be in this same situation you'll regret it all over again.

not wanting to seventh-wheel, you had to force seungwan--who also decided to study in the same university and take the same course as yours for her love of performing arts--to come with you.

seungwan is enjoying the company of your seniors. she's having fun unlike you who's sulking because you're sitting beside joohyun with her back turned on you while she flirts with her pretty boyfriend.

"are you girls together?"

you froze at byulyi's question, not sure if she's pertaining to you and seungwan or you and joohyun. but yeah, why would she think it's joohyun when the latter is busy with her boyfriend?

seungwan chuckled. "no! seulgi and i are friends, unnie. why would you think like that?"

joohyun turned to you this time to listen to the conversation, finally found something more interesting than her boyfriend.

"well, i'm just wondering why of all the people seulgi could invite, she invited you to come," said byulyi. "i understand if you're just really close. i just wanted to check if you're the same as me and my yongsun here."

"nah. it's just platonic between me and seulgi here." seungwan leaned over the table to look at joohyun who's sitting on your right. "besides, joohyun unnie will surely kill me if i get any ideas."

"oh, i surely will, seungwan," answered joohyun right away, raising an eyebrow. "you'd have to go through me first before you date my ddeulgi."

"wohoho! possessive joohyun, huh?" heechul tapped his hands on the table, making a drumbeat. "what can you say about that, seulgi?"

you were enjoying the conversation as it finally pulled joohyun from the dumbass. "wannie and i may be goofy around each other, but she's just my closest friend. nothing more than that."

"closest friend? closer than me?" joohyun pointed at herself. "oh, seungwan, you're so dead."

everyone laughed.

"seulgi, will you say something? save me. c'mon!" seungwan hit your arm.

you looked at joohyun who's pretending to be a jealous girlfriend. "unnie, it's not like that. you're the one who's always on the top of my list, okay?"

"of course, i should be." joohyun looked away, rolling her eyes.

"kiss her now! kiss her now!" said byulyi. yongsun and boa joined in as well.

you looked at the three unnies in front of you, wondering if they meant what they said.

"kiss her now! kiss her now!" they continued.

joohyun is still acting like a jealous girlfriend waiting for you to make a move to woo her.

you chuckled. this isn't the first time joohyun did something like this. you know what to do to soften her.

"come here, my little bunny." you slung an arm over her shoulder and pulled her closer to you.

everyone squealed--heechul was the loudest. joohyun laughed as she leans her weight on you, hugging you by your waist.

"now that's the proper way to handle a jealous girlfriend." boa looked at heechul.

"huh? why are you looking at me like that? i still hold the 'boyfriend of the year' award, my dear," said heechul.

boa just rolled her eyes at her boyfriend. she looked at you and joohyun. "anyway, can you two tell us why aren't you dating yet? no offense to bogum here, but i seriously think seulgi and joohyun should date."

"i second that motion, girl!" yongsun high-fived boa.

"wait! wait! i need to capture this moment!" heechul pulled out his phone and took a picture of you. then he gave you his phone so you could take a look.

"awe. this is cute." joohyun looked up at you, smiling. "we're so cute."

you hummed, smirking at her. you handed the phone back to heechul. "kindly send it to me, oppa. i'll have it printed so i can display that in our room."

"relationship goals!" yongsun clapped.

"seriously though, why aren't you dating yet?" it was byulyi who asked this time.

it was a tough question. both you and joohyun seemed not to know how to answer.

"c'mon! don't just smile at us!" said seungwan, getting excited. you know she's just pushing it because she's aware of your real feelings towards joohyun.

"unnie and i are practically married, guys, c'mon," you joshed, hugging joohyun now with both your arms. "why are you still asking that?"

they squealed again.

"kidding aside though. didn't it occur to anyone of you that you can actually date? like date each other?" asked yongsun.

you felt joohyun tighten her hug on you. she seemed comfortable even with the current topic. you wonder what's on her mind.

you don't honestly know how to answer the question. saying yes would mean revealing your deepest darkest secret. but saying no doesn't fit well either. so you don't know.

"you guys know how bad i am with relationships," said joohyun. "i'd rather have seulgi in this way than go over the line and ruin everything."

you and seungwan looked at each other. you knew what those big round eyes of hers are telling you.

"wait. you didn't answer the question, joohyun," said heechul. "so, it did occur to you that you and seulgi could date?"

before joohyun could even respond, bogum gently pulled her away from you. "c'mon, babe. you're not bad at relationships. i can attest to that." he looked at everyone. "guys, instead of us talking about a love story that's never going to happen, what do you say about getting another bottle and hitting the dance floor? that's what we came for. let's have fun."

"i still hope the love story would happen though," said byulyi. "but yeah. let's have fun!"

\---

you can feel he is planning something not good towards joohyun.

your joohyun.

not the evil-killer type, but the maniac type--the one that looks like he wants to score tonight.

joohyun, knowing you and her very much trusted friends are there, didn't hold herself back from drinking. being a light drinker, she was already drunk after a few shots. bogum still kept on ordering drinks and filling everyone's glass.

soon after, you all joined the dance floor. it was easy to have fun with joohyun's friends because they are all crazy. however, you can't take your eyes off bogum and joohyun who are having their own world.

they are whispering into each other's faces, hugging and just being sweet. you keep observing where bogum's hands are trailing. so far, it's only on joohyun's waist. but then, later on, his hand started wandering on her back. you tried keeping yourself calm by dancing with seungwan and the others.

as long as bogum's hands stay on the waist and back, you're at peace.

but your hunch was right. bogum is into something. you saw him whisper something in joohyuns ears, their bodies so close to each other. his hand went down to trail her hips--

that's it. you're done.

you were about to approach bogum when you felt a hand on your shoulder. it was heechul.

"seulgi, i think you should bring joohyun back to your room," he said, looking at the couple.

so, the others are observing them too.

"yup. we'll talk to bogum but you need to take joohyun out of here now, okay?" said boa.

you nodded and watched them approach bogum. bogum, who's clearly drunk, looked disappointed. you heard him say something like, "we're going to my room. she's not going back to her room tonight."

you watch as heechul shook his head. boa guided joohyun to you.

"okay. the princess is yours again, seulgi. please take her home now."

"seulgi-yah..." said joohyun, hugging your arm.

"yes, unnie?"

joohyun stared at you. her eyes were droopy. she bit her lower lip and blinked a few times, not saying anything.

"are you okay? do you feel like throwing up?" you asked, worried.

she shook her head, still smiling at you.

"just take the damsel home, bear. that's just how joohyun is when she's drunk," said byulyi.

"okay. thank you for tonight, everyone." you bowed.

you put joohyun's arm on your shoulder and held her by her waist as you walk out of the bar.

\---

"seulgi-yah..."

"yes, unnie?"

"seulgi-yah..."

you sighed. you went to check on her. "are you still feeling drunk? you were able to change your clothes and brush your teeth though."

"seulgi..." she grabbed your arm this time.

"what's wrong, unnie?"

she tapped on the space on her bed, asking you to sit. you obeyed.

"are you feeling cold?" you asked, fixing the blanket over her body.

joohyun shook her head, her eyes are still droopy. "can i ask you something?"

"anything."

joohyun's eyes roamed around the room first, looking hesitant. she looked at your arm propped on her bed. "did you... did you ever imagine yourself being with me...?"

joohyun's voice was so gentle to the point she sounded sleepy. if she asked this in her sober state, you would surely flinch. but now you can't help but chuckle at her cuteness.

"you're drunk, unnie."

"i'm not joking..." she whined, sounding like a baby and kicking her feet on the bed. "just answer the question..."

"why do you want to know? is it important to you?"

"i just want to know... c'mon..." joohyun's yanking your arm now.

you smiled as you stare at joohyun who looks like she's half-asleep now. honestly, knowing she won't remember this conversation tomorrow, you are tempted to answer her question.

but you're not pathetic. you don't want to confess to her in this state.

"let's talk about that tomorrow, unnie, once you're more sober, okay?"

joohyun pouted, clearly disappointed. she turned her back on you.

you chuckled. "you're so cute." you stood up, fixing the blanket one last time and kissing her temple. "sleep well, my bunny."

you went back to your bed, telling yourself if joohyun remembers this tomorrow, you'll finally admit your true feelings.

\---

as you've expected, the conversation was never brought up again. joohyun doesn't even remember a thing after she got drunk and was laughing when her friends told her what happened.

the funny thing is she broke up with bogum the next day.


	9. home

you have stood in front of your door for an unreasonable time now, hand still frozen on the passcode panel.

you're internally freaking out knowing a certain someone is already inside, waiting for you to come in.

"pull yourself together. pull. yourself. together." you rubbed your face with your palms.

you took another deep breath and let out a loud exhale before typing in the passcode and turning the doorknob open. you spotted her standing in your living room, sporting a casual look: denim skirt matched with a black shirt and a gray blazer over it.

damn. why were you blessed with such a beautiful sight this morning?

"hey." joohyun looked at you, her long black hair moving carefree.

you turned your eyes away from the beautiful sight, shrugging out of your coat. "hi, unnie. sorry about this morning. some friends called me last night to hang out after dinner."

"some friends..." she nodded. "does that include the special friend you mentioned last night?"

you were about to hang your coat on the rack, but you stopped midway. "yes. i was with her and two other friends from the theater." you hang the coat then turned to her. "why?"

you noticed how joohyun's eyeing you intently, particularly your neck area, maybe looking for marks or something. she shook her head when she found none. "nothing. just... asking."

"how about you and..." you couldn't finish the sentence, not wanting to mention her girlfriend's name. "did you guys went out somewhere else or..."

"we went straight back to the hotel room." she turned to look at your bookshelf and gliding her fingers on the books. "we were busy the whole morning meeting her family. we're too tired to even hang out after the dinner with you."

you nodded, feeling a bit relieved. 'too tired' could mean sleeping right away and no more bedroom activities for them, right?

"i didn't know you're still keeping this," said joohyun.

you pressed your lips together, bringing your focus to what joohyun is holding. it was the picture frame of you together way back in college, the one heechul took.

it was perfectly taken. your arm was placed sweetly around joohyun's shoulders while her head was naturally leaning on your neck. both of you looked so happy.

"ah. that." you smiled. "how could i not keep it? i don't have the heart to throw away something as beautiful as that."

joohyun looked at you, finally smiling. "we're really sweet in here, weren't we?"

"yes, we are. like a married couple." you chuckled.

joohyun hummed, eyeing the picture one last time and putting it back to the shelf to rub a thumb over it. "you still look young here though."

you walked around the room, throwing your bag down on the couch. "i was only nineteen at that time, unnie. i'm twenty-three now in case you've forgotten."

"of course i won't forget something like that." joohyun turned to you, folding her arms on her chest. "i've just been noticing the changes because i used to look at you as someone younger than i am. now it's not like that anymore. you're all grown up and probably more experienced than i am."

you raised an eyebrow at the word 'experienced'. not the topic you'd want to jump into yet. you went to your kitchen instead and opened the fridge. "have you had breakfast yet?"

"i was hoping i could have some with you," she said, her voice in a different area now of your apartment. "amber left early because of the long drive for their activity."

there was a slight pinch in your heart hearing her mention her girlfriend's name. you cleared your throat. "perfect. i haven't had mine either. are bacon, eggs, and toasted bread fine with you?"

"american breakfast, huh? sure. i love my bacon crispy though."

"same here." you stooped down to get the goods from the fridge. "okay! one american breakfast coming for my favorite unnie!"

joohyun chuckled. "gosh. now you're making me realize how much i've missed you, ddeulgi."

you got up with the goods in your arms, pushing the fridge door close with your feet. "ooh. so, does that mean you realized it just now? i'm hurt, unnie."

joohyun grinned as she watches you put down the bacon and eggs on the counter. "oh, you big bear. of course, i miss you all the time. you have no idea. that's why i'm here today. i want to make it up to you."

"make it up to me?"

"well... we haven't seen each other for a year, and last night we were with am. i was kind of hoping to spend alone time with you today."

'am'. nice nickname, you thought. but this isn't the right time getting jealous. joohyun has already told you she wants to spend time with you today. why is she doing that? why is she making you feel like you're important again?

maybe that's the reason you're having a hard time letting her go because she wouldn't let go of you either. there's this force, a strong force you can't even explain yourself. a force that pulls her back to you no matter where she goes, no matter who her partner is. and it's the same force that keeps you from being truly happy with your past relationships.

it's the same force that keeps you holding on for years eleven years.

eleven friggin years now.

maybe you should let it all out now, like let her know. after the revelation last night about your sexuality, there's no point in hiding it anyway. you've already suffered for long enough. maybe this time you'll do yourself a favor by finding the courage to tell her about it.

if you can find the courage to tell her about it.

"please stop looking at me like that..." said joohyun shyly.

you blinked, not realizing you're already staring at the older woman to make her blush. you looked down and cracked one of the eggs on the side of the bowl.

"sorry. i didn't notice i was staring. but you're not obliged to do that, unnie. i totally understand."

"you understand what?"

"i understand if you've been a little off with me lately." you threw the cracked eggshells in the bin to avoid her gaze. "i know it's not easy to juggle time between your girlfriend and your girl best friend. i'm surprised amber is still comfortable with you being here with me alone even after what i told you guys last night."

"why would she be uncomfortable if i spend time with you?"

"well, because, i told her i date girls too?" you beat another egg in the bowl. "that basically means competition, right? like having a boy best friend and a boyfriend."

"ahh. is that how jisoo saw me before, a competition?"

"you could say that."

she walked over to the counter and propped her arms on the granite top. "can't blame her, can we?"

"ooh. someone's being conceited." you smirked. "did you know she broke up with me the night you had dinner with us?"

joohyun brought her hands to her mouth. "she did? gosh. i'm sorry."

"it's okay. that was a long time ago."

"i mean i felt something was going on with the two of you, but i didn't care. i hope i didn't cause much trouble to your other relationships like what happened with jisoo."

"well, sorry to burst your bubble. but it's not just jisoo. all my exes saw you as a threat."

"all your exes?" joohyun's eyes widened. she straightened herself up. "wait. how many exes are we talking about here?"

you turned to the stove to heat the pan. "umm. are you asking about the official ones only?"

joohyun stomped her feet. "seulgi! are you saying you've had that number of relationships and hid them all from me???"

you spared joohyun a playful smirk before laying the strips of the bacon on the pan. "don't worry. they're not many as yours."

"seulgi, i'm serious!"

you laughed. "i just had a few. the others were all just potential lovers that didn't push through because they were all having a thing with our closeness."

"and... those were all women, right...?"

"yup."

"why didn't you tell me about them?"

"i was afraid you'd avoid me." you turned each slice of the bacon with a tong before looking at joohyun. "you always seemed straight as a ruler to me. and even with amber around, i still don't classify you as... as someone like me..."

joohyun stood there in silence. you can feel she's observing you.

"i even thought you'd be awkward with me after what i told you last night," you admitted, your back turned to her. "that's why i got surprised when you called earlier saying you're already here. i may not look like it but i'm actually happy you came over here today."

there was still no word from joohyun. the sound of the bacon sizzling filling your room.

you can't blame her for being silent. you're pouring your heart out now. maybe not entirely, but still, you're true to her now. and if she decides to avoid you after this, then there's nothing else you can do anymore.

you heard her move, her footsteps nearing. seconds after, you felt her presence behind you, then her arms wrapping around your waist as she presses her cheek on your back.

"i could never find the courage to avoid you, seulgi. please remember that."

you looked down at your waist and held her arm around you with one hand. "thank you, unnie."

you felt joohyun tighten her hug on you, pressing your bodies together. "gosh. i missed you. really."

"not getting enough hugs from your girlfriend?" you rechecked the bacon.

you felt her shaking her head. "it's not that. it's just that your hug feels different to me."

"how so?"

"i don't know. i just feel safe. and it makes me feel sleepy," she whispered, leaning her weight on you and slightly rocking your bodies left and right.

"i'm glad i still have that effect on you."

joohyun hummed. you can already imagine her peaceful face with her eyes closed. "your hug feels like home."

you smiled. you turned your head aside so you can look at her over your shoulders.

"welcome home, unnie."


	10. rain

fate seems to love toying a lot with your feelings.

earlier, joohyun made you the happiest person in the world by spending the entire day with you trying to make up for the one year she wasn't around.

you watched a movie together in your apartment and went out in the afternoon for a stroll and dinner. you walked her back to her hotel room around 08:00 pm, where she asked you to stay for a hot choco.

it was almost perfect.

but just as when everything starts to feel right, just as when you've almost forgotten you aren't together, amber came back to slap the truth in your face.

to you and joohyun's surprise, amber went back with bruises and tiny wounds on her elbows and knees. although amber was chill about it, saying she simply slipped and crashed into the rock formation and is perfectly fine, joohyun is displeased with the result.

and you, you're displeased with joohyun's reaction.

but what can you expect? joohyun's always been like that, right? one second she's going to make you feel like you're on a pedestal and the next second yanking you away from it.

now you're starting to ask yourself again if she's still worth the pain you're feeling. unfortunately, you still don't know the answer.

"no more rock climbing for you, okay?" joohyun's currently dabbing amber's wounds gently with cotton wool and antiseptic.

amber groaned like a kid whining to her mom. "but, joohyun..."

"no more buts, am."

amber groaned again. then she saw you. "hey, seulgi! help me!"

it's hard not to smile seeing amber act like a child. maybe this is why joohyun and amber clicked: the former being serious while the latter is just being playful. you stood up from the couch, holding the finally empty mug you've been trying to finish since amber came in--so you can get out of there right away and avoid the eyesore.

"that doesn't look like a bad wound, unnie," you said, walking closer to them. "besides, getting injured is a part of rock climbing. you can't do it perfectly without getting light scratches at first."

"see? see?" amber looked at joohyun, her finger pointing at you.

"oh, no. not you too, seulgi." joohyun glared at you, closing the first aid kit. "you guys met last night, and you're acting like you're best friends now?"

you and amber shrugged, smiling at each other.

joohyun rolled her eyes. "aish. from now on, you two are no longer allowed to talk to each other." she turned to amber. "and you, no more rock climbings. capiche?"

amber opened her mouth, pretending to cry like a kid. "but mommy!"

"don't mommy me, amber. i'm not your mom."

amber turned to you. "daddy!"

you choked. did amber just ship you and her girlfriend? you glanced at joohyun who's cheeks are tainted with pink as she lowered her head.

feeling the awkwardness consuming you, you turned around to go to the sink. "not my problem. i'm outta here."

you washed your used cup while hearing the banter between the couple. you couldn't erase the image of joohyun's face when her girlfriend regarded you both as her parents. but then the giddy feeling has been swept away when amber shifted from playful mode to girlfriend mode.

"did my girlfriend enjoy her date with her best friend today?"

"yup, i did," you heard joohyun mumble. weird, why is she whispering now?

"hmm. is that the reason you look extra pretty today?" asked amber. "you seemed to have really enjoyed hanging out with seulgi, huh?"

"i always enjoy seulgi's company even if we're just indoors," said joohyun, making you smile. there's this sense of pride building in your chest. however, the next words she uttered drained all the energy from your body. "but i missed you, am..."

joohyun's voice sounded like she's longing for amber. suddenly it's hard to breathe. you felt your chest tightening.

and here you are, thinking you were enough for her. but no. no matter how happy she was with you earlier, amber is still going to complete her day. not you.

you're starting to think now she spent the day with you not solely because she wants to make it up to you but because her girlfriend wasn't around. she was only there with you because amber was busy doing something else.

so much for making you feel important.

"awe, i missed you too. come here you," you heard amber say. after that, there were movements on the couch, followed by the smacking sound of a kiss.

you're breathing hard now. that's the only way you could do to prevent yourself from breaking down.

breath in. breath out.

you composed yourself while you're drying your hands with a towel, preparing yourself for what will greet you once you turn around.

and you were right, the sight of the couple cuddling on the couch just presses the stab deeper in your chest. you watched as amber planted playful kisses on joohyun's lips and cheeks, the latter giggling.

you smiled and shook your head.

why are you still here again?

this is enough. you can't take it anymore. you need to get out. now.

you cleared your throat to get their attention. "guys, i should be going."

joohyun looked up. "but it's only nine-thirty."

there was a tinge of happiness building in your chest after seeing joohyun's disappointed face. but you know you can no longer stay. it's for your sanity.

"i still have work tomorrow, unnie. i want to rest early."

"let me at least walk you downstairs to get a cab."

"i'm fine," you said right away, not wanting her to insist. you glanced at amber. "it's better you stay to take care of your daughter here."

amber just grinned at you, pulling joohyun closer to her. you saw how joohyun's hands found their way around amber's waist.

it looks very familiar because that's exactly how she hugs you.

"i... uh... i really should go now. thank you for the hot choco." you motioned to the door, wanting to escape the area the soonest. the pain is unbearable now.

"seulgi," amber called, making you turn to her. "thank you for taking care of my princess today."

you spared joohyun a glance. you can't read what's on her mind. she's smiling at you, but at the same time, she looks disappointed. you looked back at amber.

"anytime."

\---

you can always go to sunmi's place to ease your mind, but you're not doing that tonight.

there's this feeling, a heavy feeling, in your chest you want to get rid of--a feeling you've carried since last night.

it feels heavier the longer you ignore it. so, no. no flings or sex for tonight. none of that.

it's just going to be you and your pillows. you're going to let the rain fall tonight because that is what you badly need.

and that's what exactly you did right after you enter your apartment. you went straight to your room and plonk yourself down, dampening your pillow with your tears.

at least you finally got that out of you.

\---

"i think she loves you, but she isn't in love with you. those are two different things."

you looked at sooyoung after downing a glass of rum, mentally agreeing to what she said.

"but how can she be that close to seulgi and not fall in love with this bear?" asked yerim, touching your shoulder. "plus she's got a girlfriend now. it only means she can be attracted to seulgi too, right?"

"i got your point, yerim. but that's not the situation. yes, she and seulgi can be together but they aren't. and she's in a relationship with another person, not with seulgi. it tells us a lot."

yerim rubbed your back. "sometimes i wish you were just in love with sunmi unnie instead. i hate seeing you so down like this."

you laughed. "i'm fine. can't say i haven't been used to this."

sooyoung's eyes darted to the entrance of the bar. "speaking of sunmi unnie. she's here."

you and yerim turned to look, and indeed, sunmi is walking towards your table, making people ogle at her in the process.

you genuinely understand why yerim wants you to fall in love with sunmi. why not? she's pretty and attractive as fuck. but she's not joohyun. and it's only joohyun you want.

"i've been calling you." sunmi sat beside you.

"she turned her phone off, unnie," said yerim. "she doesn't want joohyun to contact her."

"oh. and why is that?"

"apparently, the love of her life seems happy with her current relationship and seulgi here is feeling heartsick," said sooyoung. "good thing she was able to focus on the practice this morning. i must say i am impressed."

"well, that's our seulgi." sunmi grabbed your glass and drank from it.

"how did you find out we're here?" you asked sunmi. the third glass of rum is already taking its effect on you. "are you superhuman?"

sunmi grimaced after the rum passed her throat. she put the glass down. "well, yerim here was wise enough to tag you in her instagram post, name and location of the bar included. so, yeah. i'm superhuman."

you glared at yerim. "what did i tell you about social media?"

yerim grinned at you, showing a peace sign. "i had to document this, you know."

you groaned, grabbing the other glass of rum and drinking it.

"why is this bear drinking?" sunmi looked at yerim.

"she said she wants to sleep peacefully tonight. she opted for rum so she can easily pass out once she's back in her apartment."

"if she can still walk back to her apartment." sooyoung looked at the glasses in front of her.

"i believe that's the reason she asked you to come, sooyoung, so you could put those muscles into use," said sunmi, chuckling.

"i won't cry tonight," you said, straightening up on the chair. "i... i won't think about her tonight. i'll sleep right away."

you felt sunmi patting your back. "okay. okay. but maybe you should stop drinking now. it's hard to rehearse with a hangover."

"i'm fine. i'm fffine..."

"seulgi?"

the four of you turned to look at the voice. you stood up from the chair out of shock, like being struck by lightning.

for a second there, you are convinced you're already drunk because you can imagine joohyun standing in front of you. but no, if this is only your imagination, then amber shouldn't be there standing beside her.

"unnie?"

"i was trying to contact you the whole day," said joohyun, her face stoic. "i didn't get a single response."

you glanced at yerim and sunmi, as if trying to ask for their help. but you're on your own.

"umm. i, uh... i forgot to charge my phone last night and my battery's out."

"you didn't even think of borrowing your friends' charger this whole day?"

"uh. we were busy with the rehearsals. right, girls?" you turned to the other women on the table who all nodded. "i was planning to charge my phone once i'm home."

joohyun folded her arms and rolled her eyes. "seulgi, you're drunk."

"we're just having fun." you smiled. you turned to your colleagues again. "oh, by the way, guys, this is my joohyun unnie. and over there is amber, her girlfriend. amber, unnie, these are my favorite artists: sunmi unnie, sooyoung, and yerim."

they all waved to greet each other, but there was an awkward silence after. nobody spoke.

"why don't you join us?" you asked amber and joohyun. "the night is still young. we can have a few drinks, right?"

amber stepped forward. "seulgi. we're actually here because joohyun got worried over you. she's close to panicking because you haven't returned any of her voice messages or texts."

you felt guilty for making joohyun worry. you stepped closer to joohyun. "i'm sorry, unnie. i just didn't expect you'd contact me."

"tsk. and since when did i not contact you, huh?" asked joohyun, irritated.

you stared at her, pained at the thought you're hurting her with your actions. you know yourself you're just selfish. you want her to worry about you as much as she's worrying for amber.

but what will you get in return? nothing, right?

"i'm sorry." you looked down, playing your hands with the hem of your shirt. "but how did you find out i'm here?"

"we checked your social media." amber showed you her phone, displaying your picture with yerim and sooyoung earlier. "good thing one of your friends tagged you in her post."

you glared at yerim again. once this is over, you will end her.


	11. jealous

"so, seulgi here is not sad. rather, she's trying to internalize her role for the play," said amber.

she and joohyun stuck around for dinner. it was a good thing amber was there because her incredible social skills made people talk. within minutes, she's already friends with your friends.

"yup. this is seulgi's secret, a reason she's one of our best performers," said sooyoung. she's the one who came up with an excuse why you were acting like that tonight.

"and what's this role all about?" asked joohyun. she pointed at the warm choco mug in front of you for you to drink and sober up.

you obeyed and sipped the drink, eyeing yerim--who transferred to sit beside sooyoung so joohyun can sit beside you--and sooyoung.

"it's about a woman who's secretly in love with her best friend for years," said yerim, making you cough.

"hey, are you okay? take it slowly. it's hot," said sunmi, handing you a tissue.

"thanks, unnie." you wiped your mouth with it, subtly shooting yerim across you a glare.

"a guy best friend," added sooyoung. "seulgi can't relate because she doesn't have any guy best friend. plus, we all know she's not into guys. so, you know, it's a tough role."

"does the internalization includes her being drunk?" asked joohyun, still looking disappointed.

"there's a scene where the character went out to drink with her friends," explained yerim. "we're kind of discussing and reenacting the scene earlier."

"wow. i'll give you guys 'a' for dedication." amber raised her glass. "cheers?"

the others raised their glasses, and you've got no choice but to lift your mug of hot choco.

"cheers!"

yerim stood up. "wait! i need to take a picture of this and will tag seulgi in the hot choco. it looks so out-of-place."

you grunted. everyone laughed.

"cut her some slack, yerim. her royal highness over here won't allow seulgi to drink anymore." amber laughed. "but i didn't know you actresses are doing this internalization stuff for your roles."

"only a few performers do this. not all of us," answered sunmi. "the superb ones are taking it to a higher level and gets too attached to the role to the point their own personalities disappear when they're on stage. it's like the character is the one doing the acting, not the actor."

amber whistled. "cool."

"sunmi unnie here is one of our finest," said sooyoung. "she usually takes the hard roles."

"thank you, sooyoung. you're a fine actress yourself," said sunmi. she rested her elbow on your shoulder. "but we all know nothing can beat seulgi over here when it comes to dancing."

"nah. c'mon. you guys are all good." you turned to sunmi. "and you, unnie, you should try watching a recording of your own performance for once. you have no idea how beautiful you look when you dance."

"tss. stop that." sunmi punched your arm playfully. "i don't know. i just feel embarrassed when i try watching myself. i can't take it."

"that is why our directors and choreographers always want you two to perform together." sooyoung pointed at you and sunmi. "do you have any idea how much you're driving the audience crazy?"

yerim tapped sooyoung's arm. "you know what. i think i know now why they have this chemistry on stage, it's because seulgi and sunmi unnie spend a lot of time together alone--aw!"

"what's wrong?" asked amber.

"nothing. a bug just bit my leg," said yerim, pretending to scratch her leg but was just kicking you back under the table.

you drank from your mug, pretending nothing happened. you noticed joohyun folded her arms on the table, clearing her throat.

"where is seungwan by the way? you guys work together, right?" she asked.

"she's out celebrating her anniversary with her girlfriend," you said. "i'm not sure if i've already mentioned eunji to you, but they have been together for a year now."

"what! i didn't know eunji and seungwan are a thing!" exclaimed yerim, obviously surprised.

"of course they are. you're just too dumb to notice." sooyoung rolled her eyes.

"i just didn't realize they were serious!" said yerim. "i always thought they were like seulgi and sunmi unnie here who were--aw! fuck! i'm going to kill that bug now, seriously!"

you tried to hold off laughing after kicking yerim for the second time while still pretending to drink on your mug. sunmi is already laughing silently. you can feel her body shake as she leans on you.

from your peripheral vision, you noticed joohyun glanced at you and sunmi. you straightened and composed yourself.

"i don't see any bugs here," said amber, who looked under the table. "maybe it's gone now?"

"i think i already killed it." yerim glared at you.

"oh, good." amber turned to joohyun. "babe, you okay?"

you immediately looked at joohyun to check on her.

"yeah. i'm oka--" joohyun paused, then blinked. "no. i don't feel well. can we head back to the hotel?"

amber leaned closer. "what's the matter?"

"indigestion, i think. i can feel it already starting in my tummy."

"do you have your meds?" you held her by her arm. you've seen her in that situation several times before, and it was not a pleasant sight.

joohyun turned to you, looking at your hand on her arm first before making eye contact. "i... i have it in the hotel room..."

"you sure? i can buy one for you if you want. there's a drugstore nearby."

"no need. i have my meds." joohyun pulled you closer by your arm so she can rest her head on your shoulder. "i just want to head back now."

you were a bit surprised by the gesture. yerim and sooyoung had the same expression as yours. sunmi just shook her head and smirked. amber, who's busy picking up her bag and joohyun's didn't see any of this.

you said goodbye to your friends, thanking them for accompanying you that night. you rode with amber and joohyun back to the hotel.

joohyun insisted you stay over for the night. knowing she's not feeling well, you agreed. you know they wouldn't do anything sensual with you there around anyway. plus, you're more worried about joohyun's condition than yourself getting hurt. you stayed to make sure she's okay.

after making sure you're comfortable on the couch, joohyun went straight to their room to sleep.

you find it odd she didn't take any meds that night.

\---

you opened your eyes, realizing it's morning. the couch in joohyun's hotel room is so comfortable you had a long-dreamless sleep.

you weren't able to sleep well the night before in your apartment because you were crying.

but you feel recharged now, so you stretched your legs and arms out. "uuuugggnnn..."

"good morning."

"what the--" you fell on the floor out of shock. you pushed yourself up and found joohyun sitting comfortably on the couch across yours. "unnie?"

"yes?" joohyun looks fresh. she's wearing spectacles, her hair tied up. she looks really well compared to last night.

"w-what are you doing there?" you asked.

"watching you sleep."

you raised an eyebrow. "f-for how long now?"

"maybe for about an hour now."

you composed yourself and sat back on the couch. "where's amber?"

joohyun jerked her head to their room. "still snoring."

you nodded, still trying to recover from the shock. "how's your stomach?"

"better. thanks for sticking around last night."

"psh. as if i could say no."

"yah!" joohyun threw a pillow to your face, which you caught.

you laughed. "what time is it now, unnie?"

"past 6 a.m. what time is your work?"

"rehearsal starts at 10 a.m."

"perfect. you can still have breakfast with me."

"y-yeah. sure." you're feeling something weird with joohyun's mood. she's so lively today like she didn't suffer from indigestion last night. she's usually weak the day after whenever she experiences it. but right now, she's just vibrant.

joohyun stood up. "just wait over there. i'll prepare breakfast, okay?"

you nodded, and she went straight to the kitchen area, humming.

you scratched your head, still confused. then the idea of your phone hit your head. you remember you borrowed joohyun's charger last night to support the acting you did.

you turned your phone on, and a bunch of messages and notifications finally came in. you felt guilty after reading all joohyun's worried messages. you will not delete those messages for now so you can reread them later and keep feeling happy about it.

but there were several messages from yerim that caught your attention:

"wow. didn't know your joohyun unnie can act."

"she's jealous."

"i'm sure she's jealous of sunmi unnie."

"she may hide it with her acting, but i can tell. i'm an actress myself."

"anyway, i know you won't read this message right away as you're busy taking care of her."

"but tomorrow, maybe you should ask her to audition for us as well? :D"

you looked up and watched joohyun who's preparing in the kitchen, still humming to her own melody.

you don't want to believe it, but something inside tells you yerim is right.


	12. dinner

you have been staring at your phone for two minutes now, eyebrows furrowed.

"why does kang seulgi looks like she's in trouble?"

you glanced up from your phone and saw seungwan approaching, a sandwich on hand.

she sat beside you. "joohyun-related problems?"

you showed her your phone. "unnie messaged me that. i don't know what to respond yet."

seungwan smiled. "i can already imagine her saying that. seulgi-yah..." she tried mimicking joohyun's way of saying it. "it means a favor, right?"

"mmm-mmm. and you know i can't say no to her."

"i figured." seungwan took a bite of her sandwich.

you pocketed your phone, thinking you'll respond to joohyun later. "they are going back to our hometown in four days. unnie wants me to spend time with her before that. she's probably messaging me now to make sure she locks my schedule after work."

"just you and her?"

"i'll be third-wheeling."

"ouch."

you sighed, looking around the room, glancing at the other artists enjoying the lunch break. "if only it were easy to avoid her. but i've no choice. avoiding her or not avoiding her, both will just hurt me. it sucks."

"yeah. i heard from sooyoung you attempted avoiding her yesterday but she followed you to the bar and took you home with her. you're so whipped." seungwan shook her head, taking another bite of her sandwich.

instead of responding, you looked in front of you, your mind drifting somewhere else.

"i don't know, wannie. i can't read her. and this, whatever's going on between us, i'm getting tired of it now."

seungwan chuckled, her mouth full of bread. "getting tired of pretending she doesn't mean everything to you?"

you smiled, a sad smile. "maybe i'll just blow up one day and tell her about it."

seungwan balled her sandwich wrapper in her palm. "i've known you since high school, seul, and i can say a lot has changed in you since then; physical, emotional, mental--there's just too many to mention.

"but you know what, there is this one thing that never changed," she continues, glancing at you. "it's joohyun unnie. she's the only constant thing in your life since the day i met you. if you will ask for my opinion, i would say go for it. risk the friendship. cross the line. she needs to know how much you mean to her. she deserves to know that someone in the world could love her the way you do."

you sighed. it's easier said than done. "and if she won't accept me?"

"then screw it. move on. find another one. at least you finally got your emotions out of you after bottling it for so many years now."

the two of you stayed silent again, watching the other performers having their lunch. it's one thing you loved about being friends with seungwan. you need not talk all your thoughts out, but she understands you deep.

"do you think i'll be able to find someone and love her the way i've loved her?" you asked.

seungwan gave you an assuring nod. "i've seen your relationships, seul. they didn't work out is because you keep holding yourself back, because you never gave them your whole, because you always make sure there's something left for joohyun unnie. you need to let go of that part so you can open up yourself to someone and give them the chance to love you."

you let your brain digest what you heard. you felt hope. seungwan is right; you should let it out of you and accept whatever joohyun's reaction will be. what's important is you free yourself from that.

but losing joohyun completely, is that something you can bear?

a burst of loud laughter coming from sunmi's table caught both of your attention. she's talking to sooyoung, yerim, and the other artists. you smiled.

"you know what, you and sunmi unnie deserves a relationship more than what you're having now." seungwan propped her elbows on her knees. "i have nothing against what's going on with the two of you. but you and i both know it's not gonna work. this relationship you're having now, it's only a temporary solution to both your love problems."

you looked down at the floor, smiling. "i don't even know how it started, wannie."

"how long have you two been...?"

"a month. since unnie mentioned she's coming back here for vacation and that she's bringing her girlfriend with her. but it's not often." you glanced at sunmi. "it usually happens with her or me being drunk, or both of us. you know, it's like we're only calling each other when we're feeling hurt."

seungwan shook her head. "tsk. the things you do because of bae joohyun."

you leaned forward, elbows on your knees, and rubbed your face with your hands. "i don't know anymore, wannie. i'm so lost. i'm a mess. really. this morning, she cooked breakfast for me and made sure i eat something before i leave. why is she doing that? i don't understand how can she care for me and want me around her yet can't see me the way i see her. it just doesn't make sense."

"hey. chill." seungwan tapped your shoulder. "it will all make sense to you soon, but you need to let her know first, seul. let her know. you've held on for so long is because you have unanswered questions still hanging up until now. let her know and find out the answers. that's the only way to free yourself from her."

you reclined on your chair. "i guess you're right."

"i know how important she is to you and how important you are to her. but you can't use that as the sole reason to keep hurting yourself. you don't deserve that."

you felt relieved, hearing those comforting words from seungwan. although your relationship with joohyun is masked under the label of the same name--best friends--you know yourself joohyun isn't just a friend to you--neither the best one.

she never was. it's different compared to how you feel towards seungwan whom you consider as your real best friend.

with you and joohyun, she's the one who keeps claiming you as her best friend. she always uses that term to take ownership of you, use it as an excuse to do something for you, and demand something from you. it's not like you didn't want her to be possessive of you, but sometimes you wonder if she's just using that as an excuse to cover up something much deeper than friendship.

and there you are, building your hopes again.

you shook your head, trying to keep those thoughts away from you. you turned to your friend. "thanks, wannie, for always being there."

"don't mention it."

"maybe i should date you instead."

"ew. so gross. and you're into older women, in case you're still unaware."

"eunji is older than us too. don't talk like it's just me."

"fine."

the director stood up, calling the attention of the people who will be rehearsing for the next scene.

"that's me." you pushed yourself up. "catch you later, wannie. thanks again."

"seulgi," she called. you stopped in your tracks to turn to her. "i don't mean to give you hope, but i think she feels something for you."

you shrugged, turning your back on her. you've heard that line before. it usually makes you happy, but it's just like a plain statement with no meaning in it.

"in case you haven't noticed, you're the only constant relationship she had all these years," added seungwan.

and for the first time that day, you felt happy.

\---

your phone on the table lit up. you noticed a message from sunmi.

"are you free tonight? i'm third-wheeling seungwan and eunji and..."

you didn't bother to open the message. now is not the right time. you're having dinner with joohyun and amber--who were sitting across the table--and you don't want to disrespect them by focusing on your phone while you're with them.

"so, seulgi, would you like to travel with us next week back to your hometown?" asked amber.

"i'd love to, but i have to pass. we'll have an upcoming show, and i can't skip practice. they are kinda strict with the attendance," you said, glancing at amber and your food alternately.

"aw. that's bad. joohyun and i were hoping you'd come with us."

"nah. i'll let you two enjoy being alone for a while." you took a sip of the red wine. "i've been third-wheeling since you came here. i'm kind of getting annoyed at your sweetness."

amber laughed. if only she knew that was a half-meant joke.

"besides, i don't want to steal the show from unnie. it's her first time coming back home after her first out-of-the-country adventure. if i'll go with you i'm sure her mom would be more thrilled to see me."

"yah!" joohyun frowned, her arm ready to smack you.

"admit it, unnie, your mom loves me more than she loves you."

"seulgi-yah!" this time, joohyun leaned over the table to smack your arm. you keep sniggering until your eyes caught your phone, lighting up again with a new message notification from sunmi.

"i'm actually feeling horny tonight. wanna play?"

you almost choke, not because of sunmi's message--you've been exchanging lewd messages as a joke since your first night together--but because you noticed how joohyun's eyes shifted from you to your phone when it lit up.

there were a few seconds of dead air before you get the chance to control your limbs. you pocketed your phone swiftly, mentally cursing yourself for leaving it on the table while you're having dinner.

bad manners.

joohyun pulled back to sit again, her face looking slightly awkward. if that was seungwan, you are sure she will tease you. but joohyun didn't say anything, pretending she didn't see anything.

you wish she didn't see anything.

you cleared your throat to take another sip of the red wine. "hmm. this really tastes fine, huh?"

"yeah, it complements the meal." amber took a sip from hers too.

"have you guys tried going to the red district in the south? there's a bar there that offers great wine mixes." you twirled your glass.

"red district, huh? have you been there often?" joohyun is looking down at her food, but her voice sounds like she's accusing you.

"no," you said. "we sometimes go there just to visit a specific bar only. i've never really explored the entire district."

"whoo! c'mon, seulgi. it's just the three of us here." amber draped her arm on joohyun's shoulder. "do you feel shy talking about it because joohyun is here?"

a chuckle escaped your throat. "no. i just don't really go there. i mean, what would i do there?"

"pick up girls. hook up. have fun. ow!" said amber casually until joohyun elbowed her.

"are you saying you're still doing that?" joohyun glared at amber.

"not anymore, babe," admitted amber while she covers herself from possible attacks from her girlfriend. "but i won't deny my friends and i had tried that before when i was still single and bored."

"aish. you're disgusting, amber." joohyun grimaced. "i can't imagine how can you do something like that with a random stranger."

"well..." amber looked at you as if asking for your help. you shook your head while shrugging.

"i, uh, i haven't really done that," you said.

amber's eyes widened. "you mean you never had sex?"

this time, joohyun looked at you too, and you felt your face warming up.

"uh. no. not that. what i meant is i've never really tried doing it randomly, like hooking up with someone i met for the first time."

"ahh. so, you're just doing it with someone you're close or in a relationship with?" asked amber. you nodded. "fine. i admit i'm disgusting. happy now, babe?"

joohyun, who's looking at you this whole time, turned to amber, smiling. "do you want to visit the bar seulgi was talking about?"

amber raised an eyebrow. "are you asking me to go there, or are you just testing me?"

"of course, i'm asking you." joohyun rested her chin on her palm. "i know you're a wine enthusiast. we might as well go there now while seulgi can go with us, right?"

"huh? me?" you pointed at yourself.

"yeah. you." joohyun looked at you; her expression is unreadable. "unless you have other plans this evening?"

you prevented your brows from creasing, knowing joohyun is studying your reaction.

now you're sure she's read sunmi's text earlier and is now pulling a trick to find out if you're going or not. but pretending is a game you've been good at, so you're going to play it nicely with her.

"none. i'm totally free this evening. all schedules cleared just for you."

and with that, since reading sunmi's text earlier, joohyun finally let out a full smile.


	13. drunk

it was a bad idea. you shouldn't have agreed to amber's dare of tasting all the drinks the bar is offering.

to your dismay, amber turns into a clingy llama when she's drunk.

now you're stuck with the sight of amber doing slight pda with joohyun; stealing quick kisses, cuddling, and sometimes subtle sensual touches making joohyun jerk on her seat and clear her throat several times while she slaps her girlfriend from time to time.

you know yourself you're drunk as much as amber, but the pain lurking in your chest keeps you awake.

"babe..." amber called, pulling joohyun for a kiss, the latter pulling back right away, flustered.

"babe, we're in a bar!"

"i don't care. people keep looking at you. i want them to know you're mine."

you clenched your fist and tightened your jaw. if amber does anything embarrassing, you won't hesitate to smack her even in front of joohyun.

"let's just go home, can we?" said amber. you felt your stomach turning. you know what amber wants.

joohyun glanced at her watch and then at you before going back to amber. "it's still early."

"but seulgi has work tomorrow, right? she still needs to rest."

you blew air before standing up. amber's obviously horny right now. you can't take it anymore.

"where are you going?" asked joohyun.

"just going to order more drinks. i'll be back," you said, not sparing the couple a look and walking straight to the bar.

\---

you placed your order and sat on the stool while you wait. you pinched the bridge of your nose and massaged your temples, hoping it would lessen the pain.

it's your fault. you shouldn't have gone here. you should've just given joohyun the idea you could've been somewhere in the city tonight with sunmi, getting laid. you don't even know why you don't want her to know about that.

were you afraid she will get hurt?

did you really think it will hurt her?

"alone?"

you opened your eyes to find a pair of brown eyes looking at you. you eyed the woman: batting eyelashes, long hair, light makeup, pretty face, red lips, beautiful curves.

you smiled to yourself.

"nope, just ordering more drinks," you said. "you?"

"same. running errands for my friends." she leaned over the bar, giving you a nice view of her cleavage. "you're not a regular here, are you?"

you shook your head, focusing your eyes on your own hands instead of other round squishy things. "just stopping by from time to time."

"hmm. you're not single, are you?"

"how can you say so?"

"you just seem... proper... like someone is watching you now. is he or she here as well?"

you laughed, running your hand through your hair.

"i'm gonna take that as a yes." she shakes her head. "just my luck."

"hey. you're pretty. if you will ask for my advice, i'd say don't go out with people you meet in a bar. the chances of your relationship failing are high."

she lets out a hearty chuckle. "you're funny." she grabbed a napkin from the table and asked for a pen from a bartender.

you watch her scribble something on the napkin, knowing it will contain a name and a number.

the woman turned to you, folding the napkin and pressing it into your palms, closing your fist after. "in case you get bored, maybe we can meet sometime outside the bar?"

your drinks came. you stood up, giving the woman one last smile. "we'll see about that. it was a pleasure chatting with you."

you left the woman and returned to your table.

\---

you knew the couple kissed. joohyun's lips were somewhat swollen and wet. amber, who's leaning her head on joohyun's shoulder, had the same look in hers.

you sat down with the drinks on your hands, not minding the pain anymore. maybe you're getting used to it now. hopefully.

"who's the girl you were talking to?" asked joohyun.

"i don't know. but she gave me this." you handed her the tissue while taking a sip of the drink.

joohyun smirked upon seeing the contents written on the napkin. "gosh, seul. still the girl crush, huh?"

"i don't know what you're talking about, unnie."

"do you want to keep this?"

you shook your head. "all yours. as i've said, i'm no fan of hookups."

"wow. at least you're loyal to sunmi, huh?"

you looked at joohyun, blinking. your drunken mind is trying to decipher her message.

but before you could even speak, amber moved again, whining like a kid. she cupped joohyun's cheek and started kissing her neck.

"babe, not in here," said joohyun, looking irritated now.

"but joohyun..."

you heaved another sigh, standing up again to get another set of drinks.

you don't care if you'll go to work with a hangover tomorrow. you need something to make sure you're knocked out tonight.

\---

"seungwan? yes. i'm sorry for calling this late, but i need your help."

you raised your head a bit and saw joohyun holding her phone to her ear. amber is also leaning on the table, snoring lightly.

"oh. so, you're just nearby? that's great! i'm in a bad situation." joohyun glanced at you and amber. "i'm surrounded by two tall drunk women who are both passed out."

you pretend to sleep still while listening to joohyun's conversation with seungwan. what she said next didn't register to you as you drifted back to sleep.

\---

you woke up at the feeling someone is lifting you. you looked up and saw your colleagues, seungwan, eunji, and sunmi.

"w-why are you here...? am i... late for the practice...?"

"no, you're not, you dumbass." sunmi assisted you to stand up, putting her hand around your waist. "i'm bringing you home, okay? can you walk?"

you stared at sunmi, confused. then you looked around and found joohyun assisting amber as well while seungwan helps her.

"what time is it?" you asked.

"it's quarter to midnight," said eunji. "let's go home now, seulgi. i'll drive you all."

"you can bring her to our hotel instead to save you from driving back to her apartment," said joohyun.

"no. no. no..." you said, swaying your index finger left and right exaggerated. "i'm sleeping in my room tonight..."

"but seulgi you're drunk. i want to make sur--"

"i'm staying in my room tonight, unnie... i'll be fine..." you looked at amber and know exactly it'll hurt you more if you sleep in their hotel room. "just... just take care of... her."

joohyun looked away, clenching her jaw.

"okay, so we're driving joohyun unnie first to their hotel, then seulgi, and then sunmi unnie," said seungwan.

"no need to drop me off." sunmi fixed your arm on her shoulder. "i'll tuck this bear to bed first, and i'll call a cab after."

"are you sure, unnie?" asked seungwan. "we can wait for you."

sunmi smiled. "don't worry. i'll be fine. the cabs there are available 24/7, anyway."

seungwan looked at you. you don't know what to make of her expression. but then she sighed and finally said, "okay. let's go."

\---

it was a silent drive. eunji and seungwan were in front. the four of you were at the back, with you sandwiched between joohyun and sunmi. amber is already snoring on her girlfriend's shoulder.

you adjusted your position, sliding your butt to the edge of the seat to rest your head. both joohyun and sunmi looked at you.

"you okay?" asked sunmi first, though you know joohyun was about to speak as well but didn't continue.

"yeah. just dizzy."

"why did the llama and the bear get drunk tonight, unnie?" asked seungwan in front.

joohyun sighed. "it's because amber wanted to taste all their wine mixes and thought of daring seulgi to do the same. if i'd known i was with two children, i shouldn't have allowed them."

seungwan chuckled. "i see. seulgi usually drinks light, so i know something happened for her to get smashed like that."

"i'm wondering though," said eunji, adjusting the rearview mirror, "how many girls do you think tried to hit on seulgi tonight?"

you groaned, wanting them to change the topic, but you can't make out words anymore.

"umm. one or two," said sunmi. "it's usually around that number, right?"

seungwan shifted on her seat to look at sunmi. "were you with us when we went there one time after a show? seulgi was still wearing her clothes from the show, a cropped top shirt and a leather coat over it. damn. those girls kept coming."

eunji laughed. "yeah! i remember that!"

"yeah, i was with you guys." sunmi chuckled. "that was two months ago, right?"

"ah. yeah. sunmi was with us." eunji tapped seungwan's shoulder. "she's the one who posed as seulgi's girlfriend to stop those hungry wolves from coming, remember?"

sunmi chuckled. "i had to cover seulgi's abs with a blanket because people are staring."

"seulgi was really pissed that time." eunji shook her head. "damn her and her abs."

you felt joohyun shifted her position on the seat, making your head slide down to her side, landing on her shoulder. you were about to lift your head, but joohyun's hand stopped you, her palm on the side of your head, encouraging you to stay.

you stayed still, relaxing. joohyun's body felt soft, her fragrance soothing you. you felt her fingers lightly tapping your head, lulling you to sleep.

you closed your eyes, surrendering yourself to the comfort.

if only you can be like this with her every day.

but you know that's not the case.

you're going to pretend you're sleeping while you silently wish that the heavy traffic won't end so you could stay like that for a little longer.


	14. companion

"huh? you will work in the states?"

joohyun nodded at you. "our counterpart in the usa loved my performance and would like to give me special training for a more advanced task."

"for how long?"

"maybe a few months? they don't have a concrete plan yet. they are kind of testing the waters for now and will decide once the output is ready."

you stared down at your ice cream cup, gripping it with both your hands. you're thankful she's sitting beside you instead of across you, and she won't see how sad you look now.

the news of her going abroad for an indefinite time is hard for you to take.

although you've been catching up with her twice or thrice a week over dinner (joohyun always pays for you because you're still a student and she's the one working), it doesn't satisfy your craving of being with the older girl. there's always something missing. maybe it's because you wanted more from her. perhaps it's because you're in the stage where you want to bring your relationship to the next level but is just waiting for the right time to blurt that out to her.

but how can you even do that if she's leaving?

"when are you leaving then?" you asked.

"in two months." she scooped a spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. "ticket is ready. we're just waiting for the papers."

your shoulders fell. "oh. so, you won't make it to my graduation."

you heard her cup hitting the table, then her hand reaching for yours. "i'm sorry, seul. if they gave me the authority to select a date, i would have picked it after your graduation ceremony. but that's something out of my control."

you observed how her thumb runs on the back of your hand. you felt her sincerity. "it's okay, unnie. i understand."

"it's not okay." joohyun pulled her hand back, pouting. "when they told me about the date of the flight, i felt sad. i wouldn't want to miss your graduation but--"

"you can make it up to me once you're back." you smiled at her. you don't want her to feel down anymore. "just please make sure you'll come back."

joohyun had a warm expression on her face, a smile slowly drawing from her lips. "i will come back. my home is here."

"but aren't you thinking of finding opportunities while you're there? many people will be thrilled to be in your shoes."

"i'm not sure yet. i'm actually scared." she scrunched up her face. "it's a foreign country, and i will be living there on my own for months--or maybe years--and i don't know anyone."

"it will be uncomfortable at first. but who knows, you might enjoy it and may decide to live there for good."

"i'm not sure about that yet. but if that happens..." she paused, playing the spoon in her ice cream, "would you like to live with me there?"

you turn your head to her, your eyes surprised. "live with you?"

"y-yeah..." joohyun tucked her hair behind her ears, not looking at you. "i just... i just thought... you know what, nevermind. it's a silly idea."

"i would love to."

joohyun looked surprised. "y-you sure?"

"yeah." you smiled again, easing her worry. "it's not every day bae joohyun asks people to live with her. your fanboys and fangirls would kill each other to be me. only a foolish person would decline that offer from bae joohyun herself."

you received a slap on your arm, but you felt happy you finally made her smile.

"yah. don't talk like that. i haven't left yet but i'm already missing you," she said.

"awe. i'll surely miss you too."

"make sure you keep in touch with me always, okay? i'm going to facetime you every weekend."

"how are we going to pull that off?" you counted on your fingers. "that's sixteen hours time difference, unnie."

"we'll find a way. just promise me you'll be in touch."

a giddy feeling had taken over the sadness you felt earlier. joohyun's effort in making sure you still keep in touch is just too much for you.

you can't help but fall for her even more.

you snuck your spoon into her cup, taking in a spoonful into your mouth before giving her a cheeky smile.

"i promise."

\---

joohyun was crying every day because of homesick during her first month in the states.

she was lucky you just graduated from college and is still taking a break from everything before you apply for work. your initial plan of having weekend facetime session is temporarily changed to daily. you spent your days (particularly from 10 am to 3 pm) talking to her and putting her to sleep by singing or merely telling her stories.

it started getting better for her as months went by. she's finally able to adjust to the environment. she's still enjoying her work and discovering the culture there.

she even sent you a congratulatory gift when you told her you and seungwan made it to a theater company. she was so proud of you.

it was doing fine. you felt everything is going well for you and her.

until you found out you were wrong.

\---

"... well, there's someone."

you put down the script you were holding to focus on her. you want to study her reaction from the screen of your phone.

"there's someone?" you asked. she's been there for almost a year now and has mentioned no potential lover until today.

"yeah... um... i didn't really expect we would go down that road..." joohyun looked hesitant, and you're wondering why. "but she asked me to be her girlfriend, and i said yes..."

"s-she...?" you felt the word stuck in your throat.

so, that was the reason she seemed busy lately. there were days when she isn't in the mood for a facetime session. there is someone who's filling that space you were filling before, and it's a 'she'.

a 'she'. dammit. you didn't see this coming.

"yeah... i know... i mean... i haven't been a relationship with a woman before, so this is kind of new to me..." she added.

and it's new to you too. you've been holding yourself back from confessing for years because you thought she was straight. but what is happening now? why is she doing this to you?

"but you... do you love her...?" you asked despite the chaos running in your head.

"i don't know..." she looked shy. "it's too early to say. we just got together this morning, and i don't know what to expect yet. but i like her a lot."

joohyun giggled. you faked a smile. deep inside, you can already feel your chest getting heavier. this woman must have something you don't to make joohyun change her perspective.

"seulgi, are you all right?"

you snapped out of your thoughts. "yeah. i, uh, i was just thinking about the script. there's just a lot of lines to memorize. but i'm happy for you."

"thank you. i have other news!"

"hmm?"

"i will go back there for vacation a month from now!"

"vacation? so, you're going back to la after?"

"i'm not sure yet. we're still in the testing phase of everything. they said they'll give me one month vacation and will keep me posted with their plans."

"oh. i guess i'll see you then..."

"oh, i'm excited to see you, bear!"

\---

"... i was sad because she told me she's got a girlfriend. then she made me happy because she told me next she's coming back here--which means she's leaving her girlfriend there. but this afternoon, she told me she's going back here and her girlfriend will tag along. i dunno what to feel anymore. i dunno."

you drank from the soju bottle after your monologue, eyeing the view in front of you--darkness and city lights. you and sunmi drove to this open space, so the two of you to cry over your love problems. you settled on the hood of her car with bottles of soju in between you.

sunmi said nothing, but you know she's listening. you have been her listener these past few days when she was crying over her breakup with her ex, and now it's her turn to lend you her shoulder.

"and she wants me to meet her girlfriend, like to introduce us. really? what could be worse? maybe one day she'll ask me to be her maid of honor at her wedding. ugh."

"hey. hey. hey." sunmi tapped your shoulder, taking the bottle from your hand. "that's enough drinking for now, seulgi. we need you in practice tomorrow."

"is there a way i can have amnesia without getting an injury? i seriously want to forget bae joohyun even just for a moment."

sunmi chuckled. "is that what you really want to happen?"

you looked at sunmi, her sad eyes looking back at you. it could be the alcohol because something inside urges you to wrap your arms around her, maybe to comfort her and to comfort yourself too.

but you restrained yourself. you know it's not the solution.

you looked back at the view. "i just want to stop thinking about her. sometimes i feel like i'm sick. because seriously, how can i not move on from her after all the things that happened between us?"

sunmi was about to speak, but the sound of the approaching rain distracted her. it was faint and distant at first, the water pounding on the trees and buildings. you both listened and watched until the sound of the downpour comes closer and closer.

in just seconds, trickles of water hit your face, then your arm. then it started pouring down, leaving you and sunmi no choice but to jump off from the hood of the car to seek shelter inside. you two were responsible enough to pick up all the bottles of soju scattered around the grass before getting inside her car.

a short silence settled between you before sunmi laughed. "that was fun! i almost got drenched!"

"you're drenched, unnie!" you handed her your handkerchief. "here, take this, dry yourself."

sunmi pushed your hand back. "no. you need it more than i do. look at you, seulgi!"

you watch her laugh, feeling the urge inside you kicking again. you're asking yourself if it's just you who is getting these ideas--bad ideas--towards sunmi.

noticing you were just staring, sunmi stopped laughing. "why are you looking at me like that?"

your eyes trailed her body, can't help but notice how her white blouse had become transparent, exposing her bra and shape.

it's as if she is naked in front of you.

you think it's just because of the alcohol because you've always seen sunmi as someone pretty but never thought of doing things with her--until tonight.

and you think it was also the alcohol that influenced you to say things you are not supposed to say, like inviting her to your apartment to change clothes.

sunmi gave you a look that meant she knows what's on your mind and wanted the same thing. so, she drove back to your apartment.

you spent that rainy night with her under your sheets, both naked.

at least you got to take joohyun off your mind even for a moment.


	15. weird

the magical feeling you were enjoying ended when the car stopped in front of the hotel.

joohyun moved your head gently away from her shoulder, careful not to wake you up. she borrowed a neck pillow from seungwan and placed it around you. her palm lingered on your cheek when she instructed seungwan on how to handle you--which is weird because she knows it was sunmi who volunteered to bring you to your room.

you stayed still, pretending to be asleep because you know joohyun will insist you go with them and sleep in their room.

you've had enough pain for tonight. you may lose your mind entirely if you see joohyun take care of amber again. you know she'd be willing to do the same if her girlfriend wasn't there.

if.

so you pretend because that's the only escape you could think of.

you pretend it didn't feel cold after joohyun's warmth left your body.

you pretend it didn't hurt when you heard the car door shut behind joohyun and amber.

you pretend you weren't about to cry at the idea that despite being as wasted as amber, joohyun still decided to be with her girlfriend's side. you will never be her priority.

you know it's cowardly of you to do that, but you don't have many options. you need to pretend because once you open your eyes, you know tears will flow out.

\---

it was sunmi who assisted you out of the car and into your room. you collapsed on the bed right away. sunmi took your pants and shirt off while you keep telling her not to strip you.

sunmi scolded you, saying she will not do anything to you and is just removing your clothes because they smell smoke and alcohol. she also pointed out joohyun's instructions to make sure you change clothes before going to sleep. but since you are stubborn, sunmi didn't bother changing your clothes.

sunmi didn't stay long after. once done with her mission, she told you she's going home and left right away.

and now, you're alone in your room, alone on your bed, wearing only your boxers and sports bra. you stared up at the ceiling thinking what amber and joohyun could be doing at this very moment.

you're thankful you're too drunk to even linger on the thought. within minutes, you were already asleep.

\---

you opened your eyes and got a glimpse of the bright morning from your window. you turned aside to glance at your table clock, relieved it's only seven in the morning.

you rubbed your eyes gently. there's this heavy feeling in your head, signaling a headache surging once you stand up. you relaxed your face and massaged your temples, trying to recall what happened last night and how you ended up in your room.

but as much as you want to continue your sleep, you know you need to get up and prepare for your rehearsal. you pushed yourself up and out of bed.

as you were groggily walking into your kitchen, a figure in the living room turned its head at you, making you jump in surprise.

"whoa! what the--" you clutched your heart with a hand, shocked at the presence of another individual in your apartment. "unnie?"

joohyun, who's wearing a simple striped blouse and jeans, sits comfortably on the couch, her leg over the other. she smiled at you, not saying anything at all.

"what are you--how long--h-how did you--"

"i came here to check on you," she said. "i've been here since six-thirty. and in case you've forgotten, the passcode to your door is my birthday."

you opened your mouth to speak but forgot what you were about to say. you scratched your head instead, confused with what's happening. but as you looked back at joohyun, you noticed her face blushing, her eyes glued on you, on a specific part of your body--particularly your abdomen.

it was when you followed her line of sight when you realized you're still in your boxers and sports bra.

"oh, gosh! i'm sorry!" you padded across the room towards your drawers and quickly picked an oversized shirt to put on. you went back out and saw joohyun still looking flustered. "sorry, unnie, i didn't realize i was still--"

"it's not your fault." she looked up at you. "you didn't know i was coming. i informed you though, but i guess you haven't read my message yet."

you glanced at your room, trying to recall where you could have left your phone. you were too drunk last night to even remember if you still have it with you by the time you were home.

"you could have woken me up. you know i won't mind," you said.

"i wanted to but i... i was... i was afraid you might be with someone in your room..."

that information surprised you. did she think sunmi stayed with you? is that the reason she's here today this early?

"oh. no. i am alone. sunmi unnie went home right away after kicking me to bed."

joohyun's lips formed "o". she looked relieved. but despite the small smile she gave, you can sense something is off with her.

"are you all right?" you asked.

she pressed her lips together. and instead of answering, joohyun hung her head low, shaking her head.

you felt the worry surging through you.

"hey, what's wrong?" you approached, dropping yourself beside her. you noticed the picture frame of you two together in college sitting on your coffee table now--which means joohyun has looked at it while waiting for you to wake up.

joohyun propped her elbows on her knees, her head resting on her palms. "i don't know, seulgi. there's just a lot of things going on my mind."

"did you and amber fought?" you've seen her like this before. it bothers you to know how other people can just hurt her while you try your best to not break her even in the slightest way possible.

you hate seeing her like this. you wanted to hold her, hoping to make it go away.

joohyun turned to you. "can i just get a hug from my bear?"

you looked at her for seconds, blinking. you know she's not ready to spill it yet, so you spread your arms. "you need not ask."

joohyun wrapped her arms around your waist, resting her head in your neck. you inhaled her scent, thinking if this is the retribution of bearing the pain from last night, you'd be willing to go through it all over again.

you gently placed your arms around her, one hand stroking her arm. "hey. it's gonna be all right..."

joohyun adjusted her position, leaning more of her weight on you. "why are you like this, seul? why are you always sweet and gentle?"

"i believe you're the one who taught me to be like this to you. you've always been a cuddler ever since i met you."

"yeah. but are you being like this with your other friends too?"

"you've seen me with wannie. we aren't sweet like this."

"yeah... but seungwan isn't your only friend..."

you creased your forehead. "what do you mean?"

"i just..." joohyun paused and exhaled. "did you ever feel jealous over amber--even a fit of slight jealousy?"

you held your breath for a moment, your hand frozen on her arm. why is she asking that?

"because i feel jealous of sunmi and i don't know why," she said sadly, whining like a kid. "it's the same feeling i've had towards jisoo before. i hate feeling like this. i know i'm selfish for wanting you for myself. that's why i wanted to know if ever you felt like that towards my exes or amber."

you secretly feel happy seeing joohyun this jealous. although it's not the jealous-girlfriend type of jealousy (that's what you keep telling yourself), knowing she feels this way sends you giddy feelings.

so, you are this important to her.

you stroke her arm again, trying to comfort her. "well, i feel the same way towards amber. don't worry."

joohyun pulled back to look at your face. "you do?"

"a-at times, yes, i admit i feel jealous..." you avoided her eyes. "i think it's a normal reaction since i've been getting your 100% attention when you're single, and now you're in a relationship it will not always be like that. as i've said before, i understand it."

that moment, you wanted to tell her the truth about your unrequited feelings for her. but you can't. she's feeling hurt and looks confused. you don't want to mess with her head now knowing she may not take the truth lightly. so, you told her the words not for yourself but for her to feel better.

joohyun bit her lip and looked down. "so, you felt it too, huh?"

"but sunmi unnie and i aren't together," you said. "there's nothing to be jealous about. i'm still 100% yours."

yeah, as if you've never been hers 100% since the day you met her.

joohyun showed you a small smile before resting back in your arms, hiding her face in the crook of your neck. "i was really worried about you last night but i can't do anything. first, amber is being a child. second, you're being a child too, not wanting to sleep in our room. i wanted to look after you, to take care of you but you don't want me to do it. and third, i got worried sunmi and you would..."

"we didn't. why would you think of us doing that?"

"i've seen her message, duh. do you want me to remind you what the message was?"

you laughed. "it was a joke."

"yeah. right."

"c'mon, unnie. if it wasn't a joke she should be here with me now, right?"

joohyun sighed. "you're right. i guess i just can't wrap my head around the idea you're being intimate with other women. i initially thought i shouldn't be feeling like that. but after finding out you're feeling the same, i felt a little better."

you looked up at the ceiling, cursing yourself for still being a coward. you had your chance today. you know you can use this opportunity to tell her everything. but you can't. you don't want to. how could you, when she's like this to you?

"can i ask for a favor, seulgi?"

"hmm?"

"if... if the time comes you'll fall in love with someone, please introduce her to me. i want to see her face. i want to know her. not as a friend like what you did with jisoo before, but as your girlfriend."

you scoffed inside, thinking about how it can be possible when you've been in love with the same girl for almost half of your life.

joohyun continued, "i promise i won't bitch around her like what i did before."

you chuckled this time. joohyun slapped your back.

"yah. i'm serious!"

"right. i'm sorry. i just don't have someone right now."

"but you have to promise me."

"that's hard. remember jisoo? the first time i introduced you she broke up with me. i can't be normal like this with you if i have a girlfriend."

"maybe you can find someone who can understand?"

"that's gonna be hard." you reclined back on the couch, joohyun following along. "imagine amber having a best friend like you, would you be all right with that?"

"she has one. i haven't met her though so i can't say yet." joohyun snuggled closer, slinging one of her legs on top of yours as if she's hugging a giant stuffed toy. "so, does that mean i need to make the most out of you while you're single?"

"you will always have a special place in my life, unnie, even if i'm single or not. please remember that."

"same here," said joohyun. "we are so weird, aren't we?"

you chuckled, resting your cheek on the crown of her head. "weird is good."

you heard her smile. "yeah. weird is good."

yup, weird is good because that's the only label you two could put in this strange relationship of yours.

deep down inside, you're wondering how long this weird phase will last.


	16. married

there's something different about joohyun today.

she's sweet towards you--like really really sweet.

you can't point a finger on it, but there's something different about how she treats you.

first is the cuddling on the couch while you continue your talk. joohyun admitted she and amber fought because of the latter's attitude last night in the bar--you were glad because it meant no hanky-panky for amber. she's still mad this morning and thought of leaving their hotel room early to get some good vibes from you. plus, she's been itching to check on you since last night.

although joohyun hugging you is already a normal thing to everyone who knows the two of you, you can feel an extra flavor in her touch--there's a sense of possessiveness.

second, joohyun made breakfast for you while you prepare for work. although she was talking to amber on the phone while cooking--she keeps saying, "just don't do it again" until they made up--but eating breakfast with her erased all the jealousy that might surge up.

third, she picked your clothes for the day. no biggie, but it made you happy.

you're not sure what changed. could it be because of the talk you had? whatever it is, you felt closer to her more than ever.

\---

she tagged along with you to your work, saying it's only fair you spend the day together. amber will also go out alone today with her best friend, whom she hasn't seen in two years since she went to the states.

at work, yerim excitedly welcomed joohyun; the former keeps recruiting the latter to join the theater--saying she has "potential". seungwan formally introduced eunji to her--they didn't do last night because of the situation--and sooyoung also kept her company while you practice on the stage.

joohyun surprised you when she approached sunmi to thank her for taking you to your room last night. sunmi looked surprised too but acknowledged the gesture, saying hopefully next time joohyun will be available to take care of you when you're wasted.

\---

"what happened? you two are oozing with love today, huh?" asked seungwan who's on the stage with you. the director is talking to the other artists at the moment.

you chuckled. "i don't know what you're talking about, wannie."

seungwan elbowed you. "c'mon. what's up? did you confess already?"

you shook your head, pretending to check the prop plant near you. "nope. i still don't have the courage to do that."

"how come you came here together? did something happen this morning? and where's the pet llama?"

"the llama and the bunny fought last night. the bunny came to my apartment this morning to check on me. the llama is out today with her best friend, so the bunny is mine this whole day."

"ahh. no wonder you look so vibrant, huh?"

"it's not just that though." you inched yourself closer to seungwan's ear. "she admitted she's jealous of sunmi unnie too."

seungwan stood beside you, slack-jawed with surprise. "she did? what was your response?"

"i told her i feel the same towards amber. but i said it's a normal reaction because we used to have each other only and now there is someone else around."

"mmm-mmm. and what was her response?"

"she felt better--relieved, i guess." you searched for joohyun in the audience area and found her laughing with sooyoung and yerim. "i know i had the chance to confess earlier, but she looked so confused--maybe it's because they fought? i don't want to add to her burden."

seungwan smiled. "you really love her, don't you?"

you smiled, a cheeky smile, pulling the props vines out of embarrassment.

"i understand if you're still hesitating," said seungwan, playing a leaf in her fingers. "but please always remember joohyun unnie deserves someone who loves her constantly, someone who loves her honestly and completely despite everything. i seriously believe that someone is you. you've seen her go, you've seen her come back. you're still even there for her even if she has a partner or not. so, please, please don't deprive her of that opportunity to be loved in the way you can love her. she deserves it. you deserve it."

feeling too delighted with what you heard, you locked your arm around seungwan's neck. "you really know what to say always."

"c'mon. you did the same to me when i was problematic about eunji too. we're just quits," said seungwan, struggling.

"hey, get a room, you two!" yerim shouted from the audience.

you let go of seungwan's head while watching sooyoung and joohyun laugh.

joohyun.

it would be great if you can see her laugh like that every day.

it would even be better if you're the reason behind it.

deep down inside, you know seungwan is right. joohyun deserves to be loved by someone in the way you could love her. and there's no one else who could do that except you.

only you.

\---

yerim held the phone in front of her face to read the content aloud, "when you hold a hand of a loved one, you feel painless keenly and worry less."

"i agree." eunji raised her fork. "whenever i feel nervous, seungwan here just holds my hand and it works like magic. unbelievable."

"wow. i didn't know seungwan can be romantic." sooyoung eyed seungwan.

"i am!" seungwan blurted out, eyes bulging. "but only to selected people."

"wannie is good at hiding that side of her," you commented, looking at your bowl as joohyun fills it up with food again. "and they are taking it low-key at work, a reason we can't imagine her being like that."

"but i can assure you guys, this baby is the sweetest," said eunji, making seungwan blush. everyone cheered.

"hey, eat more." joohyun pointed at your bowl. "you've done a lot of dancing today. you need to replenish."

"how about you? did you even eat?" you asked.

joohyun pointed at her bowl. "empty. see?"

"but is that already enough? you're getting skinny, unnie."

"okay. okay. okay. there's a lot of sweetness going on here. let's jump to the next fact," said yerim. she made an 'ooh' sound before reading the next line, "marrying your best friend eliminates the risk of divorce by 70%, and this marriage is more likely to last a lifetime." she dropped her hand on the table and looked at you and joohyun. "do you guys agree?"

you wanted to kick yerim under the table, but she's too far from your reach. lucky kid. you'll save the kicking for later.

you glanced around and realized everyone around the table knew all about your feelings for joohyun--except joohyun herself. everyone is looking at the two of you and expecting an answer, and you wanted to kill them all right away for being this obvious.

"i would have to agree." joohyun rested her elbow on the table and propping her chin on her palm. "maybe we should marry, seul. don't you think so?"

you looked at joohyun, blinking away the shyness.

damn. how can she be this pretty?

she's been sweet to you this entire day, but should she go this far? is she even kidding, or was that half-meant?

you looked down at your food. "haha. amber will kill me, unnie..."

"no, she won't. she wouldn't even dare do that to you."

"are you saying you don't want to marry joohyun unnie, seulgi?" asked sooyoung. you put her in your mental list of people you'll kick later.

"yeah. how dare you reject unnie, seul." seungwan was added to the list too.

"yah! kang seulgi!" joohyun grabbed your arm so you'll face her. "how dare you reject me?"

you wished the ground would open up and eat you alive. how dare joohyun make you feel like this?

"i--" you cleared your throat to make sure you don't sound hi-pitched. you already know how to approach this situation. "i'd marry you in a heartbeat, unnie. i just don't have a ring."

"wooo! go, seulgi!" eunji stood up, clapping her hands.

"you're so cute!" joohyun cupped your face first before leaning her body on you. "yeah, a ring would be nice."

"i have rings!" yerim raised her hand. she opened her bag, pulled out a small box with plastic silver rings inside.

"whoa. why do you have those, yerim?" asked seungwan.

"i am part of the props committee, remember?" yerim pulled out two rings and handed it to you. "bought this yesterday for the show."

joohyun excitedly accepted the rings. "i want the one with the purple stone," she said, handing back one ring to yerim. she put the purple ring on her ring finger and grabbed your left hand to put the yellow ring on yours.

you don't know what's happening now, but you love it.

joohyun showed you her hand. "see? we're married now."

you smiled. "yeah, we're married now. so, no more jealousy issues?"

she smiled back. "yup. no more jealousy issues."

\---

"don't remove it!"

"why?"

"it's our ring, seulgi. seriously!"

you stared at joohyun in confusion. you didn't realize she was this serious about the rings.

"but amber will be here anytime now. i don't want her to think--"

"she won't. why are you so scared of amber?"

"i'm not scared of her," you said in defense. "i just don't want to cause issues in between you two. you just fought last night. and you looked down this morning."

joohyun stopped pacing in their hotel room. she put her phone down after reading the message from amber. she sat beside you on the couch. "i'm sorry if i made you worry. as i've said, there's just a lot going on in my mind. but i'm feeling better now. thanks to you."

"that's what spouses are for, right?" you said, and joohyun laughed.

"speaking of amber, her best friend invited us to stay in their villa the day after tomorrow. you're coming, right?"

"me? why am i included there? i don't even know her friend."

"if amber really wants me to meet her friend, i need to bring you there." joohyun switched her position on the couch to rest her head on your lap. "plus, we will stay there for a day. it'll be awkward if it's just going to be the three of us. i initially planned on declining, but your director announced earlier you won't have a practice that day, so i told amber i'd bring you."

"oh. so, i don't have a choice, do i?"

"no, you don't." joohyun chuckled. she sat up on the couch and turned to you. "let's dance, seul."

"dance?"

"yeah. it was my first time seeing you perform in stage again earlier after five years. whenever i see you dance, i'm getting the urge to dance too." she stood up and held her hand in front of you.

you smiled, taking her hand. "you asked for it."

she requested a slower dance this time, so you opted for something slow and sweet--perfect for the two of you. you started swaying around the hotel room with you hum as the music. joohyun kept following your lead and is enjoying the experience.

it was heaven. you two were having your world again.

deep inside you're starting to get scared amber will take everything away from you again once she arrives.

but now's not the right moment to think about that. you'll worry about amber later. for now, you will appreciate joohyun and savor your moment together.

it's just you and joohyun and no one else.

"your future girlfriend will be so lucky to have you..." she said, her eyes looking down at your feet, trying to make sure she won't step on you again.

you didn't notice how you started slowing down while trying to find out the true meaning of joohyun's words.

"are you worried?" you asked.

there was a long pause. "honestly... yes."

another chance, you thought. but no, not tonight. she still looks confused. you'll take a lighter approach.

"well, there's nothing to be worried about." you lightly gripped her left hand up and rubbing your finger around her ring. "we're married."

joohyun smiled--a sad smile. you rarely see that from her.

"what's wrong?" you asked.

joohyun shook her head, not saying anything. she leaned her head on your shoulder and wrapped her arms around your neck. "can we just stay like this for a little while?"

you hummed. you continued swaying slowly in the kitchen area; too slow so joohyun would be comfortable, too slow like you aren't dancing at all.

after a little while, her arm slid down your shoulder. you thought she was sleepy, but her hand cupped your cheek, stroking her thumb over it.

you can hear her irregular breathing in your ear. you know she's thinking of something.

she pulled herself back to look at you. you could feel yourself melting at the proximity of your faces. you've never been this close to her before. not in the way where you could feel her breathing on your face.

she's nervous, and you're wondering why.

you don't know what exactly is happening--or what exactly she's implying--when her thumb went down to your lips, her skin barely touching yours.

it's a signal, you thought. but should you do it?

you held her by the waist, making her look up at you.

then you slowly went in, closer and closer, testing if she'll pull back.

she didn't.

instead, she parted her lips, inviting you over.

you finally crossed the line that night when you closed the gap between your lips.


	17. kiss

it was a steady kiss.

there were no movements or what, just your lips pressed together like two teenagers who kissed for the first time.

it was simple, yet it gave you the most beautiful feeling you've ever experienced.

joohyun's lips were soft and delicate. the gentleness that hangs around her just weakens your knees. you want nothing that very moment but to lead her on. still, you held yourself back. the fact she isn't kissing you back--although she isn't pulling back either--says something.

you pulled away slowly. she exhaled. that's when you realized that joohyun had held her breath the entire duration of your five-second kiss.

when your senses finally kicked in, you looked at her, her wide eyes looking back at you. her face is flustered. she's lost for words.

you opened your mouth to speak, but you heard the keycard on the front door unlocking it. amber's voice in the living room followed.

"babe?"

joohyun stepped back and turned away from you.

"there you two are!" said amber, appearing in the kitchen, looking bright. joohyun went to her for a hug. "did you guys enjoy your day together?"

joohyun didn't answer. you noticed how she turned her face away from your direction.

"y-yeah, we did," you said. "brought unnie with me to work earlier."

amber wrapped her arms around joohyun's waist. "ahh. that's nice. i had a long day too, but it was fun."

"good to know." you faked a smile, still observing joohyun, whose head was on amber's shoulder, turned to the other side. you know what it means. "umm. i think i should go now."

"that soon? i just arrived."

"yeah. i still have plans."

"hmm. okay. i'll see you around then."

"yup. enjoy the evening, you two."

"umm. seulgi?" amber called. "thank you for taking care of my princess again today."

you glanced at joohyun, who isn't reacting to anything at the moment. you were hoping she'll say something. it's better than ignoring you like this.

but none. there was nothing. so, you gave up. you looked at amber and faked another smile. "anytime."

\---

you held your phone in your face and sighed in disappointment. you dropped your hand on your side, feeling the mattress behind you.

you sent joohyun a simple "i'm sorry" message after you got home and still haven't gotten a response from her. she had seen it though, so you don't know what's going on her mind.

is she trying to avoid you?

shouldn't you have done that?

but how can you not when she gave you all those motives? she's been sweet to you the entire day.

was that all false signals, like a spur-of-the-moment thing?

"tsk. dammit." you rubbed your palms on your face, not sure what you should do now. you want to keep messaging her or even call her. but you know amber is there, and she can't respond.

or maybe she's just really avoiding you?

now you're asking yourself if crossing the line was the right decision. because after that kiss you shared, you know it'll never be the same for you and joohyun again. that five-second kiss already ruined your eleven years of friendship. yes, it was only short, but you know you two will never go back to being sweet with each other again without being awkward.

the next step is to either you move on to the next level or you stop everything. but with how joohyun is treating you now, you think it's more likely the latter.

you sighed again. you don't know what to do anymore.

\---

there was still no sign of joohyun the following day: no early morning visit in your apartment and not a single message from her.

it went on an entire day. you don't know if she's planning to keep it this way because they'll be leaving back to your hometown the day after tomorrow. and tomorrow, you are going out with them to meet amber's best friend. maybe joohyun changed her mind. perhaps you're not coming with them anymore.

you didn't send her another message. you're already too embarrassed with what you did. you don't want to feel more rejected by pushing it and getting ignored again. you knew something like this might happen if you cross the line, but you didn't think it would hurt this much.

"just give her time," said seungwan after you told her what happened. "she'll come around. i'm sure of that."

so, that's what you did; you waited.

\---

"change of plans. instead of tomorrow, we'll pick you up later at 8 pm in front of your apartment. we'll drive to the villa tonight and will stay there until tomorrow afternoon."

that was the first message you got from joohyun after over twenty hours of silence. now you're confused more than ever.

so, she still wants you to come with them but is trying to avoid the topic of you kissing each other. but why?

you wanted to decline and tell her you're no longer coming, but seungwan told you to come. she said it could be joohyun's way of trying to talk to you. hopefully, she has plans for doing that.

so, you said okay and ready yourself for what will happen.

\---

"yo! seulgi, my man!" amber shouted from inside the car; the window rolled down on her side. "hop in here!"

you got a glimpse of joohyun who's also looking at you from the passenger seat. feeling the awkwardness taking over, you avoided her gaze and opened the car door at the back. you were about to step in when you noticed an unfamiliar person already inside.

you stopped, didn't expect you'll be sitting beside someone... someone this beautiful.

"ah, krys, this is seulgi, joohyun's best friend," said amber, twisting her body to turn to the two of you. "and seulgi, this is my best friend, krystal."

you raised your eyebrows at sight, couldn't believe a masterpiece like this is friends with amber. krystal is unequivocally gorgeous: long wavy hair, longer legs (than joohyun's), pretty eyes, and her snobbish aura adds more to her appeal.

seriously. how can amber be friends with this woman and not want to date her?

"hi." krystal waved at you, pulling you out of your thoughts.

"umm. hello," you said plainly, still catching up with what's happening.

"i'd shake your hand, but i think it's better if you step in and settle first."

you almost smacked yourself for your stupidity. how come you forgot how awkward your position was? half of your body is already inside the car, and the other half is still outside.

you chuckled and shook your head. "right."

"oh, my gosh, seulgi. did you just ogle at my best friend?" asked amber, amused.

you felt your face warming up as you settle yourself behind the passenger seat. "i did not."

"oh, you just did. you saw her, krys, right?"

"don't bully her, am." krystal chuckled. "she was just surprised to see me here."

"yeah, i got surprised. i thought i was going to third-wheel until we arrive at the villa." you turned to krystal and offered your hand. "it's a pleasure to meet you."

krystal shook your hand. "pleasure's all mine. i'm so glad you came. i am also terrified i'll be third-wheeling these two until tomorrow."

you laughed. "i've had my fair share of third-wheeling. i feel you there."

"have you had dinner?"

whatever happy feeling you're getting from krystal is now long gone when you heard joohyun's voice. it was just a simple question, yet it shook your world like crazy because you've wanted to hear from her since what happened last night.

hearing her voice like this makes you realize how much you missed her.

like amber, joohyun is turned to you. you observed her face, specifically her lips, recalling how those felt last night. her eyes were looking at yours, but you can tell she's trying hard to maintain eye contact.

"yes, i had..." you said, feeling awkward. you showed a can of pringles from your stuff. "i even brought snacks."

joohyun's eyes shifted its focus when you bit your lower lip. she turned away. "sorry for the late notice earlier about the trip."

"no worries. i could still prepare for it, anyway."

"okay. so, are we all settled?" asked amber, checking on everyone. "buckle up, guys! we're now going on a trip!"

"roll up your window, am. we don't want police officers pulling us over saying they thought a llama was driving the car," said krystal, and you laughed hard.

amber turned to krystal with her llama face on. "i'd spit on them if they do."

"ew!" krystal laughed along with you.

"let's go," joohyun placed her hand on top of amber's.

"let me just get my lucky charm." amber leaned in closer, stealing a quick cheek kiss from joohyun.

you looked away and huffed. yup, this is what you signed up for when you agreed to come.

you were already cursing yourself inside when you noticed krystal looked away, breathing silently on her own like there's something heavy on her chest she wants to exhale.

you observed further and noticed how she keeps blinking, maybe preventing a tear from coming out? her fist clenched tight on her lap.

you looked at amber and then back to krystal. right there and then you knew it.

krystal is definitely in the same boat as yours.


	18. misery

"this is amazing! i didn't know we're just the same age!" you said excitedly.

knowing you two will spend more time together on this trip, you and krystal tried getting to learn more about each other during the drive. you never had an agreement about it, but you both have kind of read each other. it is also your way of trying to help by taking her mind off amber--so you can take yours off joohyun too. you know what krystal is going through, and you think maybe you two could enjoy the trip even if your best friends are sweet with each other.

"yeah, amazing." krystal chuckled. "but you know what, you look familiar to me. i think i've seen you somewhere."

"hmm. by any chance, have you recently watched a theater performance?" you asked, trying to help. "i work in the theater."

krystal shook her head, thinking, her finger repeatedly pointing towards you. "speaking of that, were you a member of a dance group before?"

"yeah, i was. back in high school."

krystal's face lit up. "was that in saerem high school?"

"yeah. how did you know? did you go there too?"

"i knew it!" krystal clapped. "no, i attended a different school back then, but i used to watch your performances before. you know kai?"

"kim jongin, the 'nini'? yeah, i know that dude."

"nini? really? you guys called him that?"

"yeah. we were close before, but we lost contact after high school. that man's a dance machine. how did you know him?"

"he was krystal's ex," grunted amber in front, her eyes focused on the road.

"it was a long time ago now, am. stop being bitter about it. you already beat the guy anyway," said krystal.

you looked at krystal, surprised at this information. then you turned to amber. "i remember there was a time he wasn't able to attend our practice for two weeks because he got involved in a fight. was that you?"

amber shrugged. "not sure if he got into other fights aside from me. but if you saw him with a broken nose, yup, that was me."

your eyes widened. "it was you! but how?"

"amber caught kai cheating on me red-handed," said krystal. "she approached him on the spot. he started a fight. little did he know amber is a black belt holder in taekwondo."

joohyun glanced at you for a second and looked away right after.

you gulped, imagining what beating you will have to take if amber finds out you kissed her girlfriend last night.

"poor, dude. i wonder how his nose looks now," mumbled amber. "but i've no regrets. he deserved it. until now i still wonder what you saw in him, krys."

"well, he was a nice boy. and he looks attractive when he's dancing," said krystal.

amber shook her head. "i won't argue with his dancing skills, but the 'nice boy', that's debatable. and i can dance too, you know. babam. babam. babam. see?" she tried dancing to the beat the radio is playing.

you noticed joohyun's shoulders move, which means she's smiling. she touched amber's shoulder. "babe, you're driving."

another eyesore. you reclined on the chair and looked outside the window.

inhale. exhale.

you fiddled with your fingers while humming, wondering if joohyun is even thinking about what happened last night. she seems so happy with amber there's no space for you to get into her head.

maybe what happened last night was a mistake for her.

it's unfair because you can't stop thinking about it; you can't stop thinking about her lips. it's unfair because the only way for you to feel happy is to endure things like seeing them together.

"but i heard from joohyun seulgi is hot when she's dancing," said amber, making joohyun glance at you again. "and since you have a thing for dancers, maybe you'd want to see her perform, krys. and she's single too, just so you know."

"w-why me?" you asked. joohyun cleared her throat before turning to look out the window.

"this is great, amber." krystal folded her arms on her chest. "seulgi and i just met today, like five minutes ago, and you're already making it awkward for us."

"i'm just saying." amber grinned. "but no, don't get any ideas."

krystal rolled her eyes. "whatever."

\---

you didn't notice you dozed off during the drive.

the last thing you remember is you and krystal talking about the music on the radio while you hug your can of pringles against your chest. it went blank after.

you woke up a bit when you felt krystal's head on your arm. but since you're too sleepy to mind (and she's beautiful), you gave in to the comfort and let her rest on you.

you woke up again, hearing amber and joohyun talking about the rain. their conversation wasn't clear. you saw from the window it's raining hard outside.

then you drifted back to sleep.

\---

you felt someone gently pull the can of pringles away from your grip. you opened your eyes and blinked at joohyun, who's holding your favorite snack.

"hey. we're here," she whispered. her eyes darted to the woman who's leaning on you. "maybe you should wake her up."

you looked around, trying to make sense of your surroundings. you're in the villa now. it's still raining. amber is outside, talking to three employees. you tapped krystal's lap. "hey. we're here."

krystal lifted her head and glanced around. "umm... where's amber...?"

"outside."

krystal looked in the direction you were pointing at, then she leaned back on you, shivering. "ugh. it's so cold. why did she even think of going out for a swim today?"

before you could even react, a sudden flash of lightning flickered in the night sky. it was so bright. the loud booming sound of the thunder that followed felt like a gunshot to your ears.

you've always known loud sounds terrify joohyun to the greatest extent. during moments like this, her initial instinct is to cling on you, and yours will be to hold her to make her feel safe. usually, that's how it works wherever you are. but not today.

because of the sudden shock, your instincts reacted to protect the nearest body within your reach--which is krystal, who immediately cowered beside you, her hands covering her ears and her face hidden on your back.

you didn't realize this until you saw joohyun in the front seat covering her ears. she looked so terrified you wanted to reach out and hug her. but it was too late because joohyun opened her eyes and saw how your arm had wrapped protectively around krystal's body.

joohyun looked away immediately; her expression changed. disappointed, maybe?

"hey, you guys all right?" amber came back, worried. from her looks, you can tell she's aware both her best friend and girlfriend fear thunder. "babe?"

krystal lifted her head from your back after hearing amber's voice. but the sight of amber comforting joohyun made her hide her face again.

not wanting to see the sweetness, you looked down and patted krystal's side to comfort her.

this is all you can do for now.

\---

since you arrived late at the villa and the rain is falling hard, you all called it a night. amber got tired from the driving while joohyun and krystal were too afraid to go out because of the thunder.

the lights in your room weren't on, but the flashes of the lightning from the window and the faint sound of thunder from afar kept you awake. you wonder how joohyun is doing now. is she still scared? but yeah, amber will be there for her anyway, so there's no use worrying.

you checked the time; it's almost eleven o'clock now. you got up on your feet, deciding to stroll around the villa until sleep comes to you.

\---

"nice piece."

your hands stopped playing the piano when you heard a voice from behind. you turned and saw krystal, wrapped in a jacket, walking towards you.

"hey. can't sleep?" you asked.

krystal sat beside you, shaking her head. "how could i if the thunder won't stop?"

"yeah. i couldn't sleep either."

krystal started pressing the piano keys softly with her fingers, one key after another. "i remember how i used to creep up on amber when we were kids. and she'll just hug me and will tell me everything will be all right."

you smiled as you listen to the simple melody krystal is making. you remember joohyun does the same to you before when she's frightened of thunderstorms or fireworks.

"... but we can't be like that anymore because..." krystal paused, sighing. she pulled her hand from the keys. "i didn't know you can play."

"just a little. not really an expert. you look like you're the expert."

"my mom forced me to learn this." krystal smiled. "not an expert though, but yes, i know how to play."

you saw how krystal's trying. despite her eyes being sad and puffy--like she just came out from crying. she tries her best to strike a conversation with you--trying her best to fake a smile.

"you know you can tell me about it," you said, pressing 'c' on the keys.

krystal looked at you. "hmm?"

"i won't tell them. i promise."

"w-what are you--"

"i understand because i'm in the same situation too." you looked at krystal. "um... joohyun... she's... she's more than just a friend to me..."

"oh." krystal's face softened. she looked away. "so, that was the reason you were comforting me earlier, huh?"

"mmm-mmm."

"i asked myself if you were hitting on me."

you chuckled. "i admit you're pretty, but we just met. i won't do something like that right away."

"i know. i was just trying to find out your motive earlier. you were sort of protecting me. now i understand why. can't blame you. your best friend is really pretty."

"are you jealous of her?"

"i'm trying my best not to because she's nice but i can't help it," admitted krystal. "but thanks for earlier. and thanks for talking to me now. i need it."

there was another bright light in the sky. your hand automatically hovered over krystal to protect her. luckily the sound of thunder was far.

you retracted your arm and placed it on the piano keys again, pressing random keys. "honestly, i don't even know why i agreed to come here today. it's painful to see them together."

"me neither. i'm guessing you are just taking the chance because you haven't seen her in a long time?"

"one year to be exact." you sighed. "they will leave tomorrow to travel back to my hometown. so, even though i know it'll hurt, i took the chance because i wanted to see her." you looked at krystal. "you, why are you here?"

"same reason as yours. i wanted to see her." krystal traced her fingers on the keys. "amber and i were friends since we were kids. when i was 15, she confessed to me and asked me to be her girlfriend. i was too young and didn't know what i want. i turned her down and told her i want us to be best friends instead. she agreed. she moved to the states two years ago after her parents divorced. that's when i realized how much she means to me. i was ready to tell her about my feelings for her when she said she's coming here to visit, but then i never thought she's got a girlfriend. it broke me."

it's comforting to know how krystal is in the same situation as yours. not that you want it, but it gives you the feeling you're not alone, that someone understands you. it's liberating to voice your thoughts out, and someone will listen, someone who truly understands what you're going through.

"why can't they just fall for us, you know," you said, making krystal chuckle. "but you have to agree they look good together, right?"

krystal nodded. "sadly, yes. they look good together."

you showed krystal your cheeky smile. "i'd offer you a hug but i'm afraid you'd think i'm just hitting on you."

krystal slapped your arm playfully. "i won't. and i need a hug just about now."

"perfect." you opened your arms and welcomed her in.

"thank you, seulgi. thank you for listening. i'm feeling better now."

"misery loves company, you know. we still have a lot to endure tomorrow. be prepared."

"yeah. if those two keep on being sweet, let's just leave them and have some fun on our own."

"yeah! why sulk if we can enjoy, right? this place is paradise."

"agreed! so, we'll try to have fun tomorrow?" krystal raised her hand for a pinky promise.

"yup, we'll definitely try." you held her pinky finger to seal the bond.


	19. punched

there was a loud knock on your door.

"seulgi!"

you stirred, not wanting to get up.

another knock, then you heard amber's voice again, "seulgi!"

you groaned, finally getting up. you groggily walked to open your door, not minding your messed up appearance.

"is krystal with you?" asked amber, worried. joohyun is standing behind her.

"yes, i'm in here. what is it?" a voice from inside your room said.

amber and joohyun's eyes widened when they saw krystal sitting up on your bed, looking upset.

without a second thought, amber entered your room, bumping your shoulder in the process, and went to krystal directly.

you growled, didn't mind even if joohyun saw your reaction.

"'what is it?' that's all you can say? you weren't in your room, krys!" said amber, panicking. "i've called your phone. you weren't answering! i thought--"

"i left my phone in my room, okay?" said krystal. "and what are you doing here? you could have paid a little respect to seulgi over there. this is her room."

amber seemed not to have heard what krystal told her. "i got worried. if something happens to you, your sister will kill me."

"oh. so, you're just doing this because you're afraid of jessica?"

"huh? no! of course not! what are you doing here, anyway? you have your own room, right?"

"i'm here because i couldn't sleep in my room last night and because seulgi allowed me to stay here," said krystal sternly. "and you, you don't have the right to barge in here like that. where are your manners, am?"

amber looked at you and krystal back and forth, her mouth gaped. "d-did you two sleep together?"

krystal's eyebrows furrowed. "what? why are you thinking like that?"

amber walked over to you, towering you. "you didn't touch her, did you?"

there's something off with the way amber voiced her question. you don't that vibe. you stared at her, unmoving.

"what the hell, amber! seulgi isn't like that," said krystal.

"amber, stop that..." warned joohyun.

everything is irritating you at this very moment. first, your sleep is getting disturbed. second, amber's lack of ethics is pulling some nerves. and third, joohyun looks like she thinks you won't stand a chance against her girlfriend.

you don't know what's gotten into you, but you're tired and not in mood for this morning drama. you stayed up late watching krystal cry and trying to calm her down, and you woke up with this llama who's coming up with issues.

usually, you're just going to let things like this slide, but not today.

so, being the bitch you are, you spoke, "and what if i touched her? does that even concern you?"

it seems to have worked because the next thing you saw is a fist approaching your face.

\---

"fuck. shit. fuck." you winced in pain, pressing a tissue to your nose.

"stay still. we need to stop the bleeding." krystal pinched the bridge of your nose with her fingertips. she's the only one with a medical background among you. "tsk. dammit, amber. look at what you have done. you could have broken her nose!"

"i'm sorry..." said amber, guilty. she's sitting on the bed while joohyun is pacing back and forth the room.

"krystal already told you they did nothing. what were you thinking, huh?" joohyun flailed her arms out.

amber buried her face in her palms. "i'm sorry. i dunno what came over me. i just snapped. i guess i was just too worried."

you felt sorry for amber, seeing her getting reprimanded by joohyun and krystal--basically not the combo anyone would want to experience.

"it's also my fault," you said, your voice nasal. "i provoked her. i just woke up on the wrong side of the bed and feeling bitchy about what's happening. i'm sorry, amber. i should have just explained why krystal slept here last night."

amber raised her hand. "i'm sorry too, seulgi."

"speaking of, yes, please explain why you two slept together," said joohyun. you, krystal, and amber looked at her, mouths ajar. seeing your reactions, joohyun blinked. "i meant, why did you two sleep in together here last night?"

"i was the one who asked seulgi if i could sleepover." krystal placed a cold pack over the bridge of your nose. "the thunder is too disturbing, so i went out of the room. i found her playing a nice piece in the piano room and we had a small talk. seulgi was nice to accommodate me."

"you could have come to my room instead," said amber. "you used to do that before, right?"

krystal raised an eyebrow. "are you serious? why would i do that when you're with your girlfriend? unlike you, i still have some decency not to disturb you when you're with joohyun unnie."

amber looked away, muttering something like, "but seulgi isn't even your girlfriend..."

"amber." joohyun glared at her.

amber sighed. she raised her palms. "fine. i got your point. but... but nothing happened between you and seulgi, right? like something... sensual...?" she asked, making everyone look at her. "i'm sorry. i'm just making sure. i mean, krystal is like a family to me and i... i dunno. i'll stop talking now."

"aish. why do you always love making things awkward for me and seulgi? we just met yesterday. seulgi has been a great confidant of mine since last night," explained krystal. "nothing happened, not even a simple flirt. i seriously think even if i seduce her, she would just ignore me."

you looked up at krystal, surprised.

you are sure she's just saying it to make amber feel better. because, seriously, who would ignore someone like krystal if she comes in to seduce you?

"seulgi, your nose..."

joohyun's voice pulled you back to your senses. you noticed a drop of blood on the table. you looked at the tissue you're holding, which is now crimson red. "oh. i'm sorry..."

"tsk. you're such a bear." joohyun came over to your other side and wiped the blood on the table with a tissue. "tsk. is this still normal, krys? she's been bleeding for like ten minutes now, right?"

"the bleeding has already subsided a bit, unnie. don't worry." krystal turned to you. "seulgi, just hold the cold pack like this for now and stay still in this position for few more minutes, okay?"

your hand took over the cold pack. "ah. yeah. sure."

krystal looked at joohyun this time. "unnie, do you mind if i talk to amber alone? i just want to straighten things up with her, especially her attitude."

amber lifted her head at the mention of her name. she looked like a scared kid who's going to get some beating from her mother.

"go ahead," joohyun nodded. "i'll look after seulgi for now. amber will have another set of talk with me later."

amber gulped.

"okay. thank you." krystal gave you a light pat on the shoulder before she walked outside the room with amber tailing her.

your room felt like a different world after the door shut behind krystal and amber.

\---

this is the first time you two were alone again after what happened the other night--that night when you kissed her.

joohyun looks calm. but you know her all too well to tell she's feeling uneasy too.

"let me hold that for you." joohyun hovered her hand on the cold pack.

"no. it's fine. i can do it," you said.

joohyun stared at you for seconds before giving up with a sigh. she walked away to sit on the bed, a good amount of meters away from you. "does it still hurt?"

"a bit."

a brief silence and a bit of looking around your room, then joohyun looks at you again. "what were you thinking? why did you provoke amber?"

that stirred something inside you again. you felt the anger coming back. you shrugged. "i don't know..."

"you don't know?"

"i don't know."

joohyun hummed. "you must have liked her a lot, huh?"

"who?"

"krystal. you like her, don't you?"

"huh? why do you and amber always think like that?"

"because it's too obvious? you've been acting differently the moment you saw her in the car yesterday."

you sighed, irritated now. "i don't like her, okay?"

"oh. okay. i'll try to believe you even though it's obvious you prefer her taking care of you now than me." joohyun crossed her legs. "i'll just pretend i didn't see you two last night hugging in the piano room. not to mention you really looked pissed at amber when she disturbed your alone time earlier."

of all the things joohyun said, one thing got your attention. "you saw us last night?"

"mmm-mmm. i went to your room to check on you. you weren't there, so i looked for you. found you getting all cuddly with the ice princess."

"you could have joined us. we were just talking about her problem. i was comforting her."

"and third-wheel? no, thanks."

"i've been third-wheeling you and amber for a week now, why can't you do something like that for me? and for the nth time, i don't like krystal!"

joohyun blinked at the sudden raise of your voice. it was the first time you've shown her this side of yours. "seulgi, are you okay?"

"obviously not," you sneered, rocking your chair back and forth.

"what's wrong? why are you talking like that? and please stop rocking the chair, your nose is still bleeding."

you gripped the edge of the table with your free hand to stop the chair from rocking. maybe you're getting a period or something, but you're not really having it well today.

"why do you keep doing this?" you asked.

"doing what?"

"this. pretending that you care."

"because i care, of course."

"bullshit."

joohyun stood up. "seulgi, what's wrong with you? why do you look so mad?"

"why do i look so mad? i am mad because my freaking nose is bleeding nonstop because your freaking girlfriend punched me this early freaking morning because she thought i did freaking touch her best friend. and i still have a freaking show next week and i don't know if i can still get the freaking role because for sure they wouldn't want someone with freaking purple nose acting on stage. perfect."

joohyun stared at you, disappointment clear all over her face. "you know she wouldn't have done that if you didn't provoke her. you even admitted that yourself earlier."

"yeah, right. it's my fault. tsk." you took the cold pack away from your nose and slammed it on the table.

"seulgi, what's happening to you? why are you like that?"

"i just don't understand why your girlfriend is so mad about the idea that i screwed her best friend when in fact she's the one who's actually screwing my best--"

"stop that, seulgi! you're overboard now!"

you looked at joohyun. she's angry. you watch her chest rising and relaxing in rhythm. but you've had enough.

"wow. i'm sorry. but from what i remember, i wasn't the first one who went overboard," you said.

joohyun's face hardened. "what do you mean?"

"you know what i mean. the cuddling, the ring, the marriage, the dance..."

joohyun looked away, biting her lower lip. "this isn't the right time to talk about that."

"right. so, we're just gonna pretend that we didn't kiss the other night? is that what you want?"

joohyun swallowed a lump in her throat, still unable to look at you. "that... that kiss was a mistake."

you clenched your jaw, trying to take the blow in. it's a clear rejection.

joohyun continued, "we just got carried away because we were sweet the entire day and--"

"i didn't just get carried away," you said, making joohyun look at you. "i wanted to do that."

that caught joohyun off guard. she looked surprised.

but you didn't care. you need to let it out now. "i... i've wanted to do that. i was just waiting for a sign from you."

joohyun shook her head. "no... no..."

"unni-- joohyun... this has been overdue for a long time. so, no. there's no turning back now." you stood up from the chair, stepping closer to her. "now, to give you and amber peace of mind, i'm telling you now, i don't like krystal. i don't like her because--"

"seulgi... no... please stop..."

based on how joohyun looked, you know this will end badly for you. but you don't mind. as seungwan said, joohyun deserves to know what you feel for her; she deserves to know someone can love her and accept her the way you do.

"i don't care if you won't accept it, but you deserve to know this," you said, pausing a bit, observing how joohyun looked somewhat scared of what you are about to say.

then you exhaled.

"i... i have been in love with you for years."


	20. purple

"i... i have been in love with you for years."

joohyun stood there in silence, staring at you, her mouth slightly ajar.

this isn't going well; you know that deep down inside you. your heart won't stop pounding hard in your chest to the point you can feel shortness in your breathing. you're going to lose this game--you know it. but there are no other options for you to choose now, so you decide to push forward.

"please say something," you said, getting more nervous.

"say something?" joohyun let out an ironic laugh. "i told you to stop, right?"

"w-why?"

"because you shouldn't... because i'm your best friend... and now you can't take that back anymore..."

you squinted your eyes, not getting the point. "did you seriously think we could go back to how we were before after we kissed? like, pretend it didn't happen?"

there was an awful silence before joohyun replied, "i don't want to ruin our friendship, seul."

"then why did you let me kiss you? why did you make me feel you wanted it too?"

"because i did want it that very moment, okay? i won't lie about that. i wanted it as much as you did," admitted joohyun. "but as i've told you, it was a mistake. i got carried away. we got carried away. it is something we shouldn't have done."

"so, it was like just a spur of the moment to you, huh? no attachment or what. like a sort of fling?"

"you know that's not what it is. i won't do something like that, especially to you."

"then why did you still do it? why did you give me all those signs?" you asked. joohyun just shook her head at you. "did it occur to you maybe you feel the same way about me? that maybe you don't see me as a friend only?"

"i have a girlfriend, seul!"

"i am very much aware of that. thanks for reminding me."

joohyun covered her eyes with her palms. "seulgi..."

"do you love her?" you asked.

"that's not the point here."

"then what's the point?"

"maybe... maybe you're just confused? i mean, we've been close ever since. and you could be misinterpreting your affection towards me as romantic, but it could be not."

"confused? me?" you pointed at yourself. "i've been harboring this feeling for eleven years now. eleven long years. i couldn't just be confused."

joohyun's eyebrows rose. "are you serious?"

"i am. i wish i never felt this. but i do. and it sucks. i couldn't tell you because i was afraid you'd avoid me. i couldn't tell you because i don't want to lose you."

"then why tell me now? why just now?"

"because i can't take this anymore." you looked at her with a sad face. "it's killing me. i don't know what to do with myself or what i need to do with you. i tried getting into relationships but all i think about is you. i tried avoiding you, but you keep reappearing in my life. i've tried ignoring you but you keep coming back to me. you don't know how many times i've decided to forget you, but with just one pull of the leash, i'm acting like a puppy who's always excited to meet its master even if the master had hurt it before. i'm such a mess."

joohyun ran her fingers through her hair, taking in all the things you've said. there was a small sniff on her end.

"i... i care about you, seul, but... but not in this way..." she looked at you, her eyes watery. "i'm sorry..."

you inhaled, trying your best to stop yourself from crying. you're holding it hard. you won't cry in front of her. no, not in front of her. you've already embarrassed yourself too much. you won't give her that much credit.

"i understand. thanks for letting me know," you said.

"but i don't want to lose you," added joohyun, her voice almost cracking. "you're the only one i have. you're the only one who stayed despite everything. if there's a way we can still fix this, let me know. i'm willing to do it for you. i just... you're my best friend, seul..."

you shook your head. "i'm sorry. i can't be your friend anymore."

joohyun's face fell. "why?"

"i love you, don't you still get that? i love you so much being friends with you is just not enough for me. i will always want more. i will always expect more. and it's not healthy because i keep getting hurt."

"i'm sorry... i'm sorry..." she covered her face with her palms out of guilt.

"you don't have to feel sorry. it isn't your fault." you looked away. "i don't want to force you into things. i wish i could stay with you to support you, but i don't want to hurt anymore either. this has been going on for so long now. i'm afraid if i keep everything inside i may end up hating you."

"seulgi--"

"i'm sorry. please leave me alone for now." you felt a clog building up inside your nose. you wiped it with your hand only to see blood in your finger. "shit."

seeing what happened, joohyun walked over to you immediately. you raised your hand to stop her.

"i'm fine. please leave me alone for now."

"but, seul--"

"i said i'm fine. and please stop acting like that towards me. i'm sorry, but your kind gestures are hurting me more."

joohyun stepped backwards, looking hurt.

you turned your back at her, trying to hide your already teary eyes. "just please leave me alone."

there were no movements for a little while, no words either. then you heard her feet shuffle, turning towards the door.

you finally broke down after you heard the door shut.

\---

"hi, seungwan. could you please check on seulgi for me? i think she went back home without letting us know. i'll explain everything to you soon. but please don't tell her about this," said seungwan, reading joohyun's message. she looked at you. "so, what happened? and why do you have a blue nose?"

"it's purple, not blue," you grunted, lying on your back on your couch. "what time did she message you? i assume she and amber are already on the train this moment going back to our hometown."

"umm, she sent the message two hours ago."

"and what did you say?"

"told her i'll check on you. i even told her you're back here in your apartment safe and sound and with a bruised nose. she said thanks." seungwan settled herself on the couch next to you. "did you two fight?"

"it's not a fight. it's more of me bursting out all the feelings i've bottled up for years."

"oh. so you finally confessed."

"weren't really planning on doing that." you brought your arm to your forehead. "but i didn't like it when she tried avoiding the topic of us kissing the other night. it triggered something inside me, and everything just flowed out. i knew she's going to say no, wannie, but i still pushed it."

"oh. so, she did say no..." seungwan's voice became sad.

"yeah. she said she cares for me but not in the same way i feel for her."

"that's sad. i'm sorry."

"she said she doesn't want to lose me, that i'm the only one she's got. but i can't take it anymore. i told her we can't be friends anymore. and i think i broke her because of that."

"do you regret confessing?"

"i don't. i just regret hurting her. i can still remember the look on her face, wannie. she looked so confused like she's torn between the idea of wanting to still keep me beside her--to salvage the friendship--and wanting to stop hurting me."

"then why did you leave the villa without telling them?"

"i can't face them anymore after what happened. i think i deserve more beating than what amber gave me this morning. i kissed her girlfriend the other night, and this morning i confessed to her. amber should break my nose for real this time." you chuckled.

"oh. so she was the reason for the blue nose."

"purple."

"fine."

you rolled on your side, hiding your face in the plush pillow. "i don't know anymore, wannie."

you felt a tap on your leg, then seungwan's voice followed, "hey, it's gonna be fine. you just need time. joohyun unnie needs time too. i honestly think you two can still patch things up. it may not be as lovers but as friends. it may not be anytime soon, but i'll know it'll come. that's eleven years of friendship, seul. i think you two won't be able to throw away something as special as that."

you turned around to look at seungwan. "if that time comes, it only means i'm over her, right?"

"yeah. and now you've let that out, you can start moving on."

despite feeling sad, a sudden gleam of hope brought happiness to you. "yeah. i can finally start moving on."

seungwan smiled at you. "i'm glad you finally told her about it. took you long enough."

you smiled back. "thanks, wannie. you're the best."

"anytime, my blue-nosed friend."

"purple."

"fine, my purple-nosed friend."


	21. silence

it's been a week now since you've last talked to joohyun. it is the first time you've ignored each other for this long in the duration of your friendship. there's not a single call nor a message from each other.

it will be a lie to say you don't keep track of the days. it will be a bigger lie to say you're not hoping she'll message you at least--just to update you with what's happening to her--like how she does before.

but why would she do that if you're the one who told her to leave you alone?

you found out from your mom--she called you, and she was excited--joohyun paid a visit to your house to hand over some souvenirs. she also joined your parents for dinner. your mom wished you were there too. she asked you to come home even for just a day or two--because she missed seeing you and joohyun together--but you declined, saying you have a show coming up.

you also found out from your mom that joohyun went back alone--no american friend that goes by the name of amber. you told your mom about amber. she is shocked to find out joohyun is dating a woman. not because she's against it--she already knows about you anyway--but because she's been rooting for you and joohyun ever since you came out to her last year (when joohyun left for the states and you tried dating other women). she always suspects you have affection for joohyun, but you never admitted it because you're sure she'll tell joohyun's mom about it.

based on your mom's stories, joohyun never told them about the issue between the two of you.

you're staring at your phone again, thinking if you should message her. but what for? this is what you wanted, right? you just need to bear the pain a little more, and for sure you'll soon be back on your feet.

just a little more.

\---

another week passed, still not a single message from each of you.

the shows were perfect distractions for you--luckily, your purple nose healed fast. you spent days performing and the nights hanging out and celebrating with your colleagues. although deep inside you hoped joohyun would just appear one night, waiting for you outside after a show, you know it's nearly impossible now.

you wish you know what's happening to her or what she's been up to. you don't even know the reason she went back home without amber. did they break up? and how is she taking it?

since you're aware she'll be staying in your hometown for the rest of her vacation, you're contemplating again if you should reach out to her first. you're worried if you keep ignoring each other, for sure, she'll be back to the states without you seeing each other again.

you don't know anymore how long you should keep holding yourself back.

because if you cross that line again, you're afraid you'll go back to square one.

\---

"you're taking a break from performing?" you asked, settling down a bottle of beer on your coffee table, your other hand already holding one.

sunmi grabbed the beer in front of her and sipped from it. "yup. you heard that correctly."

"why? you love the stage, right?"

"i do, but i need to help my dad with the family business. he needs someone to help him. my brother likes to volunteer, but we want him to focus on his studies for now."

"you sure you want to do this? i mean, would you be happy?"

"i need this, seul," said sunmi, tilting the bottle on the coffee table. "it's not just because i want to help dad, but because i don't feel like i'm moving on. there are lots of memories in this city, in my apartment, even at work. it's not helping me. i want to take a break from performing because i want to get away from here."

you stayed rooted on the ground, staring at sunmi who looks like she really needs a break. you fully know how much her recent failed relationship has affected her, both emotionally and physically.

"maybe you're right. you need to watch out for your health too. you're getting skinnier," you said.

"it's not just that though," sunmi paused, thinking, then she exhaled. "i want to take a break from you too."

you felt a very slight pinch in your chest, which you covered with a hearty chuckle. "wow. i'm getting rejected twice in three weeks. this is amazing."

sunmi chuckled in response, shifting her position on your couch. "you know it's not working out for us, seul. you know that deep down inside you. we're just using each other, but neither of us is recovering. this isn't what we need. what we need is to fix ourselves on our own so we can function well again."

you nodded, mentally agreeing to sunmi. you took a sip of your beer and paced to the other side of the room, getting a glimpse of the picture frame of you and joohyun on the bookshelf.

"you haven't heard from her yet?" asked sunmi.

you shook your head. "i think she's giving me space because that's what i wanted."

"you'll be fine, seul." sunmi stood up and walked over to you. "you just need to accept that maybe she's taking her time to sort out her feelings for you."

you looked at her. "sort out her feelings? i believe i already told you she made it clear last time."

"c'mon, seulgi, don't be so dense. out of all your friends from the theater she met, why do you think she's only jealous of me?"

you spent a few seconds thinking of an answer. "umm. because you're the prettiest?"

sunmi laughed. "you know that's a big lie."

you stared at sunmi, still confused.

"you, silly bear." sunmi turned away to sit back on the couch. "she's jealous because she sees me as a competition. she feels something for you, don't you still get it?"

this isn't the first time you heard this kind of theory. first from your exes, then from seungwan, another from yerim, and now from sunmi. you don't understand why these people kept saying the same things when joohyun herself has already denied it.

you took another gulp from the bottle. "i don't know..."

"i know it's hard to believe. but i know love when i see one. and this friend of yours, she has that look on her face," said sunmi. "i don't know if she's just also as dense as you are--which i think not--or if she's holding herself back from something. i really can't say. all i know is you mean a lot to her, more than you ever know, or more than she's told you so."

"if... if what you're saying is true, then why hasn't she contacted me yet?"

"let me ask you the same question, why aren't you reaching out to her?"

"because i don't know what to say." you shrugged. "i don't know how she'll react. i don't want to get pushed away again."

"then there's your answer." sunmi spread her arms wide. "maybe she's thinking of the same thing. you pushed her away the last time you talked, remember? then you left the villa without letting her know. it screams 'stay the fuck away from me, bitch'. you've hurt her too. maybe she's just scared of hurting you again that's why she's not making any move."

you blinked, realizing sunmi could be right. "are you saying i should reach out to her now?"

"i'm not saying it's the right solution. but if i were you, instead of going crazy here thinking why isn't she messaging or calling, i'll reach out first and find the answer myself."

"and what if i get the same result like the last time?"

"then at least you got the answers you were looking for."

you finally let out a smile. "you're one of the best, sunmi."

sunmi sighed. "what would you do without me?"

\---

"so, i guess i'll see you around?" sunmi tapped your back lightly.

you pulled away from the hug. "when do you think you'll come back?"

"can't say yet. but i'll make sure the next time you'll see me, i'm already over the drama."

"i'm looking forward to it."

sunmi smiled. "thank you, seulgi, for the company and everything."

"likewise. i wouldn't be able to get through those times without your help."

"same here. i'll surely miss you."

"i'll miss you too. it's hard to see one of our best performers going away."

"you guys will be fine." she turned to the door. "so, i'll go ahead."

"wait. let me at least walk you to the elevator."

"thanks."

you opened the door, letting sunmi step out first. the moment the door latched, you noticed how sunmi abruptly stopped in her tracks.

that caught your attention, so you looked up.

sunmi is looking at someone standing at the end of the hallway--someone you can't see as the view is getting blocked by sunmi's back. you had to crane your neck to the side only to see a person in black pants and blouse reflecting the shocked expression you have on your face now.

it was joohyun.


	22. talk

it was bad timing.

definitely bad timing.

your world felt like it came to a stop when you stood there, staring at joohyun, observing how her eyes are quickly darting between you and sunmi.

you know what she's thinking. and you know it's not something good.

it's ten in the morning. you are wearing an oversized shirt and pajamas with your hair tied up into a bun. sunmi is wearing a sleeveless blouse paired with skirt jeans, a bag on her shoulder.

would you blame joohyun if she'll think sunmi spent the night with you?

but how can you explain sunmi dropped by to your apartment an hour ago to say goodbye if joohyun's already retracing her steps back to the elevator?

"joohyun!"

you run past sunmi, wanting to stop the older girl from getting into the elevator. there's your chance to talk to her again. there's no way you will let it slip away.

but joohyun is fast. the elevator door is already closed when you reached it. you repeatedly pushed the button, looking up at the floor signal, hoping for another to go up soon.

"i guess we finally got our answer, huh?" sunmi chuckled.

you turned around to look at sunmi. "jeez. of all the time she'd come here..."

"i should say sorry, but i won't. i think it'll help you find out her true feelings for you."

before you could even respond, the elevator dinged. you and sunmi got in immediately. you felt hope when you saw joohyun on the ground floor, already making her way out of the building.

you turned to sunmi. "i--"

"go get her, bear," said sunmi. "no time to waste."

you nodded, gave her a quick hug, and ran out as fast as you can to follow joohyun.

\---

you didn't know that joohyun turns into a superhuman when she's mad.

you can't understand how she can keep the distance between the two of you when you're running and she's just brisk walking. amazing speed, honestly.

you pushed yourself further to keep up--until you got near her.

"joohyun..." you grabbed her by the wrist to stop her from walking.

"let go of me!" joohyun yanked your hand away but failed, her head turned opposite your direction.

"but i need to talk to you..."

"talk about what?"

"this. why are you here?"

joohyun didn't respond, but she keeps pulling her arms from your grip.

"joohyun, please..."

"what?" joohyun finally turned to you, hiding her face behind her hair's curtain.

"i just want to talk to you," you said, trying to stop her from yanking her arm.

"let go. you're hurting me!"

that's when you realized how tight your grip was on her wrist. you loosened up a bit, making sure not to let go of her arm.

"i'm sorry," you said. you can hear joohyun's panting. she's looking down, her face still covered by her hair. you heard faint sniffs. "are you... crying?"

"tsk." joohyun pushed your hand away when you tried to touch her hair.

you looked around and noticed some people are already looking at you. you sighed. "can we talk this over in my room? we're already getting some attention."

joohyun lifted her head a bit to look around. then she wiped her eyes with her free hand before finally saying, "fine."

relieved, you pulled her back to the building, not letting go of her wrist. your hand eventually slid down to her hand. you held it gently as you pass by other people on the street.

she finally held your hand back when you stood in front of the elevator. she's still looking down and keeps wiping her eyes with her hand.

it was a peaceful walk back to your room, your hands still attached. you lead her to sit on your couch, pulled the coffee table, and sat on it. you're in front of joohyun now, face to face, knees against each other.

you propped your elbows to your knees to search for joohyun's face. "hey."

a sniff first before joohyun responded, "what?"

you smiled, can't contain the cuteness of the woman in front of you. you hovered your hand over her head. "can i?"

there was no response, just another sniff. you brushed her hair away from her face, tucking some behind her ears, giving you a better view of her face now.

gosh. how can she be this pretty even when she's crying?

now you're sure there's no way you can move on from this woman, never in your lifetime.

"why are you crying?" you asked gently.

joohyun looked at you from the hood of her eyes, her eyes red. then she looked down again. "you... you said you love me..."

"i do."

"... then why are you with sunmi?"

a relieved chuckle escaped your throat. "it's not like what you're thinking..."

"don't lie to me!" joohyun smacked your leg.

"aw. that hurts," you said, nursing your leg. you felt the anger from that small fist of hers. "i'm not lying. she just came here this morning to say goodbye."

another smack. "liar!"

"i swear i'm not lying!"

"then why do you have beers here? in the morning?"

you glanced at the beers on the table and sighed. "i have nothing in the fridge to offer her. the recent shows got me too busy. i've no time for grocery shopping."

joohyun just stared at you, her eyes still mad.

"i'm serious." you raised your hands in surrender. "the bottles are still cold. you can check. sunmi unnie came here like an hour ago to say goodbye."

"s-she's moving away?"

"yeah. she's leaving the theater life for the meantime."

joohyun's face softened. she looked around the room. "have you two been hanging out these past few weeks?"

"with the people from the theater, but not alone."

joohyun glared at you.

"i swear. i swear. i swear," you said. "i have been down these past few weeks. i kept going out with them to distract myself. but i've never done it with sunmi unnie alone. i promise you."

"okay." joohyun fixed her hair and wiped the remaining damp on her eyes with the back of her hand.

you can't help but smile, seeing this woman sitting in front of you now.

"why are you looking at me like that?" she asked.

"i missed you."

"i hate you."

you chuckled. "you're just jealous."

"of course, i am!" joohyun gave you another leg smack, lighter this time. "three weeks ago, you confessed how you've been in love with me for years. and now i see you with someone else, what do you expect me to feel, huh?"

"i know. i'm sorry for the misconception. but sunmi and i aren't a thing, okay?"

joohyun said nothing, but her eyes darted towards your bookshelf. you know she's looking at your picture together.

"so... you finally visited me..." you said.

"i'm just here to check if your door passcode is still my birthday."

"of course, it still is."

"good."

"are you alone? when did you come back?"

"just this morning. and yes, i'm alone."

you hesitated a bit, but you asked anyway, "umm. where's amber? mom told me you went back home alone."

"amber and i are over." joohyun's hand played on the fabric of your pajamas. "we mutually agreed to end it that same day she punched you in the face. the talk she had with krystal resulted in a series of confession; krystal in love with amber and you with me. it was all so messed up. amber looked confused. i wasn't myself either. so, our one and a half month relationship ended that same day."

you watched how joohyun's fingers trail your clothed knee. "were you hurt?"

joohyun finds your response amusing. "i broke your heart that day, and all you can think of now is if i got hurt? you really are something, aren't you?"

you showed her a small smile in response. despite being physically close now, you still find it hard to look into her eyes. but the closeness you're sharing is enough to give you solace.

"the broke up didn't bother me," said joohyun. "you know i'm already used to that. but you, you were the one who bothered me most."

"oh. did i?"

joohyun nodded. her hands traveled from your legs to your hand, her fingers trailing yours. "seungwan and i talked last night. i called her just to check on you, and she knocked some senses to me."

"what did she say?"

"things like you are already planning to move on from me. that confessing is your way of letting it out to free yourself from that feeling of yours. then i realized it's not something i want. i don't want you moving on from me, seul."

you stared at how her hands are trailing your fingers, feeling the comfort coming back again. three weeks of misery all erased now because of this.

"i'm still confused," said joohyun. "i still don't know what i want. but despite the hesitations and fears, there's only one thing i'm sure, i don't want to lose you. i got worried because you have been silent for the past three weeks. i was afraid maybe you're trying to move on now."

"what do you mean by that?"

"my thoughts are still messy. but it got me thinking the whole night. it came to a point when i realized that maybe," joohyun paused, plunging her fingers in the gaps of your hand, "maybe all this time i have been in love with you too."


	23. problems

"... maybe all this time i have been in love with you too."

you stared down at your clasped hands, not sure if you should feel happy or not. this is what you've wanted to hear from joohyun ever since, but the hesitation in her voice is making you feel uneasy.

"i'm sorry..." said joohyun, stroking your hand with her thumb. "i'm sorry for walking away last time. i got scared."

you shook your head. "it's okay. i understand. that's a lot to take in."

"it was. but i'm still scared, seul..."

"scared of?"

"of this. of us. of you."

"i've no plans of hurting you, hyun," you said, making joohyun blush. "i've never left you despite being hurt. i promise to take care of you if you'll just give me a chance..."

"i know. i know." joohyun held your hand with both her hands this time. "i would be lying if i'll say i never felt something for you. i always have. always did. but i wasn't brave enough to face it, let alone acknowledge it. that's why i keep entertaining new suitors hoping i could brush the feeling off."

"brush the feeling off? why are you doing that?"

"i don't know. i guess i'm just not sure of myself. you know how i am with relationships, right?" joohyun looked up at you. "i tend to mess everything up. i easily change my mind. i easily lose interest. that's why whenever i feel the urge to be with you, i keep telling myself i can't. i shouldn't. you're different from everyone, seul. you're so special to me. i cannot afford to mess up what we have just because i want more. that's selfish of me."

there was silence, then an exhale, before you spoke up, "are you scared you're going to hurt me?"

joohyun nodded. "i'm also scared you'll leave me eventually after you got tired of me. it'll be too much for me to take if i'll lose you. i've never been close to anyone the way i have been close to you. i have never been as open to anyone as i've been with you. and because of that, i thought it's better if we stay as friends rather than cross the line and ruin everything. what happened last time--the kiss--it was me surrendering to my feelings. but i regret it because i thought i'll lose you after. i don't want you to hate me for being such a mess."

"you're not a mess. and if i wasn't really serious about you, then i should have left a long time ago," you said. "but i didn't. i stayed with you, bearing the pain on my own. did you seriously think i still have the courage to leave you even after all these years?"

joohyun stayed silent, then suddenly she's sniffing again. "but last time you told me to stay away from you, right? isn't that just the same?"

you melted at the sight. "i'm sorry. i got hurt. i was already fed up. i mean, i saw a chance in us because you let me kiss you. and then you just suddenly snatched that hope from me by saying you want us to forget what happened." you shook your head, half-laughing. "i'm sorry if i pushed you away."

joohyun looked down again. "i'm sorry too. i'm such a coward."

"hey. hey. it's okay." you cupped her cheeks. "what happened before doesn't matter. you're here with me now. that's what is important."

joohyun stared at you for a good number of seconds before saying, "but i'm not ready for this yet, seul..."

"w-what do you mean?"

you were about to retract your hand from her face, but she held them still. "i want you by my side. i'm sure of that. i don't want to share you with anyone else--i'm sure of that as well. but everything is just too much for me to take in right now. i'm feeling scared of doing this with you. at the same time, i don't want to lose you either. i just..." she trailed off.

you pulled your hand down, holding both her hands. "hey. it's okay. tell me, what do you want me to do?"

joohyun sighed, looking away. "i know this will sound weird but... i want you to give me some time to process everything..."

"time..." you nodded slowly, taking it in.

"please don't think i am rejecting you again," said joohyun, quickly.

you smiled. "i understand. plus, it's still better than a no, right?"

joohyun smiled back. "just give me a bit of time to wrap my head around this. i know it may sound absurd, but can we take things a bit slow?"

"not a problem. we'll take it at your phase. i won't force you into anything. knowing you are feeling that way is enough for me." you're feeling too delighted at the moment your eyes started warming up. you brought your hands to your eyes and rubbed them.

"what's wrong?"

"i'm just... happy..." you said, still rubbing your eyes. "you have no idea how long i've waited for this moment..."

"oh, my ddeulgi." joohyun wrapped her arms around you and pulled you into a hug.

it was heaven--joohyun hugging you. her softness calmed your mood. you started asking yourself if you're dreaming or not.

"is this real?" you asked her.

"this is real. i can assure you that."

like a lost kid who finally found her way home, you buried your face in joohyun's neck, surrendering yourself to her comfort.

"i'm not going anywhere, seul. i promise you that," said joohyun, patting your back. "there will be no one else either. it's just you and me from now on."

\---

"so, you're not officially together yet?"

"nope."

"but you're not allowed to date anyone, right?"

you flipped the script's page your holding. "yup, you got that right, wannie."

"so, what's your set up?"

"i dunno. i guess we're in between?"

"in between... like best friends?"

you shrugged as a response.

seungwan grabbed a stool from the area, sat in front of you, and started singing, "~~if you really want me, give me some time. don't call me baby not before i'm ready~~."

"yah!" you glared at seungwan. "i'd rather have her in this way than seeing her date somebody else. at least she finally made it clear she wants me."

seungwan chuckled. "i'm just teasing you, okay? but in all honesty, i am happy for both of you. i'm your number one shipper in case you haven't noticed. as for unnie, well, at least she's finally going out of her comfort zone. she even took the courage to come to you first even you haven't spoken to each other for weeks."

"it's because you scared her."

"wasn't my intention. i was just telling the truth. i'm glad it helped her realize how much you mean to her."

"thanks, wannie."

"so, how are you feeling with this set up she wants?"

"i'm fine with it." you put the script down. "we've been like this ever since, anyway. at least now she has established something between us--something much clearer than our set up before."

"yeah. just give her some time. you really mean a lot to her, you know," said seungwan sincerely. "wait. isn't she supposed to be back in the states by now?"

you shook your head. "she requested to be transferred back here permanently. the bosses agreed since it's still cheaper to have her here than pay for her rent over there. her training is completed anyway."

"that's great. but where is she staying here in the city?"

you smirked. "where else?"

seungwan's jaw dropped, her eyes bulging. "with you???"

you laughed. "yes, with me! she's supposed to start working next monday. but the notice was given late. she doesn't have enough time to look for a new apartment. i offered her to stay with me."

"and she said yes?"

"with flying colors," you said, making seungwan laugh.

"and here i was thinking you're taking things slow."

"we are!" you responded with a laugh. "we've always been sleeping in together since we were kids. this isn't anything new."

"but things are different between the two of you now. do you think you can control yourself around her?"

"i gave her my word, wannie. we're going to take it at her phase. so, yes, i can control myself."

seungwan gave you a knowing look. "are you sure?"

"y-yeah. i'm sure."

"if you say so. when is she moving in?"

"tomorrow afternoon."

the director called out, and it's seungwan's time to practice. she stood up and tapped your shoulder before walking away.

"then i wish you luck, seulgi."

\---

you really need that good luck wish right now.

because seriously, you're close to losing your sanity.

you and joohyun just finished fitting her stuff inside your apartment. and since you started moving things in your room, it escalated to arranging the whole apartment according to joohyun's preference. you don't mind if she had flipped your apartment upside down because what's important is she'll be living with you.

just like she said, it's just you and her from now on.

however, as you stand there in your living room while watching joohyun savor the glass of water in your kitchen, you can't help but ask yourself if you can control yourself for long.

she's standing near the fridge, one hand on the kitchen counter and the other on the glass. her head is slightly tilted up. you watch how her throat moves as she gulps the water down. then your eyes traveled to her milky white neck, then to her jacket that is pulled down on one side, exposing her left shoulder.

you gulped.

if you will be exposed to something like this every day, you're not sure how long you can stay as a good girl joohyun expects you to be.

there's no way it's going to be easy. seriously.

"seulgi!"

you blinked at joohyun. "yeah?"

"are you alright?" she asked, concerned. "i've asked you if you want a glass of water."

"oh." you blinked again. "yes, please."

"you sure you're okay? you looked like you're thinking of something deep earlier."

"yeah. it's just something about work. i, uh, i seemed to have forgotten one of my lines."

joohyun chuckled. "what? you're still thinking of your lines even you're at home?"

you scratched your head. "i can't help it."

joohyun filled the glass with water and walked to you to hand it over. "let's grab some dinner first and rest. you're tired. you need some good night's sleep."

you downed the glass in one go and handed it back to joohyun. "you can take my room. i'll settle for the couch later."

"no. who says you're sleeping on the couch?"

"uh--"

"it's either you sleep with me in your room, or i'll take the couch, seulgi. this is your apartment. i won't let you sleep outside."

you gulped again. sleep with her? yeah. you'd love to do that.

"seulgi, you're zoning out again!"

you rubbed your face with your palms. "i'm sorry. yeah, sure. let's share the bed. it's too big for me, anyway."

joohyun finally smiled. she walked back to the kitchen.

you sighed. now that you've got joohyun beside you, you've got a new set of problems to face.


	24. clarity

your body slightly jerked when you felt the mattress sank. the movement then followed as joohyun settles herself beside you.

"seulgi?"

you didn't speak, neither make a small move. you're already hiding under the blanket. you want to escape the situation by pretending to be asleep.

"seulgi?" another call, and there was a slight tap on your hip.

still, you pretend. it'll be easier if you do it this way. you'll feel more at ease if she'll try to sleep tonight.

"i guess she's exhausted," murmured joohyun.

you smiled under the blanket, knowing she's already giving up. but to your surprise, she pulled your blanket away and started wiggling your shoulders exaggeratedly.

"seulgi! seulgi! seulgi!"

"w-what--w-whaatt..."

joohyun stopped, then she smiled at you. "you're still sleepy?"

"not anymore. why?"

joohyun giggled before lying on her front. "i missed you," she said. you haven't seen each other for a day because she had to go back to your hometown to get her stuff.

you turned your body to face her. "i missed you too."

joohyun's fingers traced the mattress. "so, um, how should we do this?"

your mind is already exploding in chaos, but you maintained your facade. "do what?"

"this. sleeping in together."

"we just close our eyes and sleep," you said.

"yeah. i mean, are you comfortable doing this?"

"we've slept in each other's rooms since i was twelve, hyun."

joohyun blushed. "i like it when you call me that."

"good. then i'll keep calling you that."

"but you didn't answer my question."

"which one?"

"are you comfortable doing this?"

"ahh." you looked up at the ceiling. "i'm not sure if comfortable is the right word. i want you to sleep beside me, but i'm just not sure how i should handle you. as you mentioned the other day, you want us to take it slow, right?"

"mmm-mmm."

"so, i don't know how i should treat you now. can i hug you like how we do before, or should we put something here in the middle?"

"you're so cute." joohyun chuckled. "but a hug will be okay, i guess."

"are you sure?"

joohyun hummed to agree. "you know how much i love hugging you, right? i would want to fall asleep in your hug."

you observed how joohyun is trying her best to avoid your eyes. maybe she's feeling awkward as much as you do.

"let's settle for a hug then," you said.

joohyun looked up at you. she moved closer, still hesitant. you opened your arms to tell her you're ready. she closed the gap between your bodies by settling her head in the crook of your neck, an arm and leg over your frame.

"ahh. this feels good." you sling an arm around to support her body.

joohyun giggled. "you smell nice."

"you too."

silence settled in. you are far from feeling sleepy, but you feel so contented.

"did you ever imagine we'd be like this?" asked joohyun.

you take a few seconds before answering, "i have always imagined being like this with you. but it never occurred to me this would really happen. how about you?"

"i've always imagined you in this way, seul. i don't know what you did to me, but since i've met you, i've always found comfort in holding you. i don't know why."

"but, did you ever imagined we'll be like... together...?"

joohyun adjusted her position, her hand tracing your clothed abdomen now.

"i did," she said, pausing a bit before continuing. "remember when i asked you to teach me how to dance on my 21st birthday? that was the first time i started feeling something different towards you."

you remember what happened that day. you danced, hugged, and you carried her to her room.

"i've always seen you as someone younger than i am," joohyun continued, "but that day i realized you've grown up and matured. there was something different with the way you handled me. i loved it. all the time we're dancing, i can't help but compare you with my exes. you are different from them, seul--far different from them."

"was that the reason you said you should be with me instead?"

"you still remember that?"

"i do. it was the first time i thought we have a chance. but you sort of avoided me after and got a new boyfriend later on."

"well... i needed to get over that little crush i'm developing towards you, that's why."

"why did you want to get over that feeling?"

"first, i don't think you feel the same way. second, i don't think i'm that serious towards you either. i mean, you've grown into a charming woman. it may be just normal for people to get attracted to you--with me not being an exception. getting a boyfriend was a great distraction for me. it really helped. i was sure i got over the feeling until byul and boa started asking us why aren't we dating yet."

you chuckled at the memory. "yeah. you were so drunk that night. do you remember asking me if i imagined myself being with you?"

joohyun raised her head. "that wasn't a dream??? i really asked you that?"

"yes, you did."

joohyun buried her face in the crook of your neck out of embarrassment. "my gosh. me and my drunken mouth."

you laughed, stroking her side. "it's now my turn to say you're so cute."

you felt joohyun sigh. "i just can't believe you've felt that way ever since."

"it started as a simple crush. nothing serious. then i got used to you being sweet to me. i think that's when i started getting deeper."

"it must have been hard for you when i had relationships."

"yeah. it was."

"i'm sorry."

"it's okay. those are over now anyway."

another silence. you know joohyun is thinking of something.

"come to think of it," she finally said, "we've had relationships with other people, but we keep coming back to each other."

"mmm-mmm."

"don't you think we've just wasted a very long time figuring each other out just to end up with each other again?"

"for me, it's not wasted time. we need to go through that, hyun."

"and why do you think so?"

"because if we didn't, you wouldn't be sure about me."

joohyun tapped your tummy, not saying anything.

"unless you're not sure about me yet?" you asked.

joohyun adjusted her position, switching from your side to on top of you now. she looked down at you and smiled.

"you're the only thing in my life i'm sure about, seul. yes, i've had my share of denials. it took me time, but now i'm sure i'm willing to do anything to make sure you stay by my side."

you wanted to kiss her that very moment, but you stopped yourself. instead, you smiled and guided her back to your chest. "thank you for being here now."

"no. i should thank you for waiting for me. and for bearing all that pain for me."

"you're worth it, hyun." getting drowned with your emotions, you kissed the top of her head. "you're worth all of it."


	25. teasing

it has been a month since joohyun moved in with you, which means it's been a month now since you've started that set up with her.

nothing has changed with how you treat each other. the usual cuddling and sweetness like before are still there. the only difference is this time you're sure she's not going anywhere.

maybe that's the reason you're feeling at ease, even though you're not official yet. the peace of mind you finally had freed you from all the worries you were having before. because you and joohyun know what you're having now isn't temporary, and you two are sure no one will get in between you again.

and because of that, it was easier for you to control yourself in some days.

in some days only.

because after the first few days of living together, joohyun started getting more comfortable around your apartment. and by getting comfortable, it means seeing joohyun walk around the room wrapped in a towel only, or seeing her cook breakfast in a nightdress, or even watching a movie with her wearing an oversized shirt that covers up to the upper part of her legs only.

at first, you thought maybe this is just how she is. but as the weeks progress, it starts dawning to you she's testing you--or maybe teasing you. either way, you tried your best to fight the urge of pinning her against the wall and do dirty things to her.

that's not the right time for it yet.

you haven't even gotten to the first base yet, for goodness sake.

\---

you heard the door to your room open. joohyun's voice filled the room.

"good morning, my bear!"

your nose was able to catch the smell of bacon cooking in the kitchen. then you felt a body on top of you.

"wakey. wakey. wakey."

you opened your eyes, bleary, confused. "hyun?"

joohyun's eyebrows furrowed. "yeah. who else? were you expecting someone else?"

you wrapped your arms around her waist to make sure she won't get off you.

"no." you glanced at the digital clock on the table. "it's saturday. why are you up this early?"

joohyun held your face and wiggled your head. "it's because you have a show today. i want to make sure you eat something decent for breakfast."

you blinked. "oh. thank you. that's so sweet of you."

"and also," joohyun paused, tracing a finger from your forehead, down to your nose, all the way to your chin, "i have a present for you..."

your grip on joohyun's waist tightened. you swore you saw a small smile forming on her lips.

"wanna see it?" she pushed herself up, giving you a glimpse of her cleavage peeking from her very sexy satin nightdress.

you gulped. "y-yeah. sure."

she stood up from the bed and walked to your door, not forgetting to look before heading out.

"follow me. let's do it on the couch."

\---

you can't believe you had chosen to get off the bed and follow joohyun out to see this present from her. which happens to be...

"a pair of shoes?"

"it's not just a pair of shoes." joohyun pointed at the box. "it's dancing sneakers, seul!"

you blinked at the pair of black sneakers in front of you. they are indeed nice shoes, and it came from your favorite brand. it's just that...

"were you expecting a different present from me?" asked joohyun.

"n-no. i just..." you grabbed the shoes and hugged them towards your chest. you smiled at the older woman. "i love these! i've wanted to have a pair of these since they came out of the market. thank you, hyun!"

joohyun's face softened. "awe. you really like them?"

"yes!"

"good. now you better use that for your show later, okay?"

"i surely will!"

"good." joohyun stood up, gave you a quick kiss on top of your head. she turned to her heels and swayed her hips nicely while she walks back to the kitchen.

you dropped the shoes, and you heard her laugh.

\---

she's the one who started this teasing game.

you've always been the one on the receiving side--the losing side. now you finally decide it's payback time.

you woke up early and had your morning jog. you went back to your apartment around 6 am, seeing the sleepy joohyun who just came out of your room.

"morning!" you greeted.

"where did you go?" asked joohyun.

"jogging. haven't you seen my note on the bedside table?"

joohyun glanced back at the room quickly. "oh. just seen it now."

"so..." you zipped your jacket down, revealing your black sports bra and abdomen. you threw the jacket on the couch. "what would you like for breakfast?"

you didn't miss how joohyun slightly lost her balance when she turned to look back at you. her arm reached for the doorframe to hold.

"hyun, you okay?" you asked.

"yeah. i'm just still in a daze..." she walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

you followed her. "what would you like for breakfast?"

she finished her glass of water first before answering, without turning to look at you, "eggs and toasted bread would be fine."

"okay." you walked towards her silently, sneaking up because you know she'll be turning around soon. "are you going to watch the show later?"

"yeah, su-- aw..." and yes, joohyun did turn around and took a step backward when she realized you're in front of her. her butt hit the counter.

"hey, careful." you wrapped your arms around her waist. "we don't want you to get hurt, do we?"

joohyun's palms slightly brushed the mounds of your abs, and you heard her growl inwardly.

"hey, are you okay?" you teased.

"not, if you're like this to me," she grunted.

you laughed, still holding her in your arms. "what's wrong?"

"you know exactly what is wrong." joohyun tried pushing you away but failing to do so.

"do you really want me to let go of you now?"

"you stink."

"oh, do i?" you hugged her fully this time, making sure your bodies are touching.

"ew. seulgi!"

you laughed again. because even if joohyun pretends not to like hugging you, you felt how her body softened with your touch. you pulled back. "seriously though, are you going later for the show?"

"today's the last day, right?" she asked, fixing your bangs.

"yup. and you haven't seen it this week yet."

"sorry. i was just busy in the office. but yeah, sure, i'll be there later. i won't miss it for the world."

you smiled. "thank you."

joohyun continued fixing your hair with a smile on her face too. there was silence as you felt her hands cupped your cheeks. then she leaned in and whispered to your ear, "after that, let's celebrate, okay?"

her voice was too sexy; you felt shivers running through your spine.

since you could not react, joohyun continued, still using that bedroom voice, "who knows, maybe you'll get something special later..."

you gulped, unable to find the right response to that.

joohyun smiled. she leaned forward again to kiss your cheek. "i'm looking forward to that breakfast after i take a shower."

and with that, she untangled your hands from her and walked towards the bathroom, leaving you gaped-jawed.

shit. you lost again.


	26. official

to you, performing isn't about getting famous--especially not about getting high talent fees--but yes, of course, the pay is good. performing--in whatever form it is--is all about expressing yourself and making people feel something.

the only thing you consider as success in your work field is when you've elicited a reaction or an emotion from your audience.

despite the many hours of practice, long lines, and intricate dance steps to memorize, all the stress seems to vanish when you hear loud applause and cheers from the audience.

it was another successful show for you and your club that night.

and you couldn't be happier when you spotted joohyun from afar, waiting for you outside the dressing room.

the smile on her face made you feel like you've done another great job. you took the first few steps towards her, but three teenage girls stopped you.

"seulgi unnie, you were great again tonight!" said one girl. you bowed and thanked her.

"we've been watching the show for a week now so we could see you on stage," said the other girl, making you feel more embarrassed. "we're glad you're as lively as always."

"thank you. thank you." you don't know what to say anymore. you want to hug joohyun, but these girls are stalling you.

"can we take a picture, unnie?"

you agreed, and they've had like about three solo pictures with you each and several group pictures. the girls were thrilled.

while taking pictures, joohyun stood up from where she's at and came closer. she stood against the wall, a few meters from you.

"seulgi unnie, some of our friends from school wanted to know if you're single or not..."

you instinctively looked at joohyun whose eyes were already at you. her eyebrows rose.

"seulgi unnie is still single, girls." yerim came out of the dressing room.

one girl squealed. "really?"

"she is 'sort of' single," added sooyoung, joining in the party. the three girls got more excited and had another photo taken with yerim and sooyoung.

it was messy as the girls kept on taking pictures. you keep glancing on joohyun who's just smiling while looking at you.

after the hype had subsided, one girl showed you her phone with a woman's picture. "unnie, do you think she's pretty?"

you stared at the photo. "yeah. she is. who's she?"

"she's our teacher. we brought her here last wednesday. she thinks you're hot."

you scratched your nape. "haha. thanks."

"unnie, do you want us to set up a blind date for the two of you?"

"uh--"

"oh, sure! seulgi would love that," said yerim, throwing a look at joohyun's direction. "besides, she's still single, right?"

joohyun laughed.

"really? unnie?" the girls tugged you.

"i... i can't..." you said.

their faces fell. "why?"

"because seulgi isn't single as yerim here claims her to be," said joohyun, walking over to you and wrapping her arms around your waist.

the three girls gasped.

"wow. since when did seulgi's relationship status had changed?" yerim smirked. "the last time i checked, you two are still beating around the bush. it's now snowing, are you two still waiting for summer?"

"well, i won't deny we had an unclear status these past few weeks." joohyun looked up at you. "but i'm removing that uncertainty now."

you blinked at her.

"oh. my. gosh." sooyoung covered her mouth. "unnie, are you saying you and seulgi are now officially dating?"

"yes, sooyoung. i couldn't let this bear roam around anymore without my label on her. would have appreciated it though if she was the one who asked me to be her girlfriend."

"but i was waiting for you, hyun..." you protested.

joohyun pinched your cheeks together in one hand, causing you to pout. "i know. i know. stop explaining yourself, okay?"

"okay. okay. too much sweetness going on here now," said yerim, faking irritation. she turned to the teenagers. "girls, sorry about your teacher, but i think you'd have to find her another prospect date."

"it's okay," said one girl. "we're glad to know seulgi unnie has a pretty girlfriend for herself."

"oh my. thank you," said joohyun. the three girls thanked all of you one last time before leaving.

"are you sure about this?" you asked joohyun, wrapping her in your arms.

"yes." joohyun nodded. "i'm drawing a line, seulgi. now that we're officially together, you need to stop with that little flings with your fans, okay?"

"but i don't do flings."

"you don't, but you being nice and all give them the wrong idea. don't you think i've noticed how some audiences look at you? some of them are screaming how much they love you when you dance."

"yeah. seulgi is always the girl crush here," said sooyoung.

"tsk. tsk. tsk. now i'm sure seulgi will now regret pursuing you, unnie," said yerim, earning a playful slap from joohyun.

\---

"that was a blast!" you said as you input the passcode to your apartment. you stepped inside with joohyun following you.

the two of you just came home after having dinner with yerim, sooyoung, seungwan, and eunji.

"did you see seungwan's face when she realized i wasn't joking?" joohyun chuckled. "jaw dropped and big round eyes. hilarious."

you sat on the couch, putting your bag away. "can't blame her, hyun. she's been like waiting for this day to come since we were in high school."

smiling, joohyun sat beside you, her hands on your lap.

"are we really together now?" you asked.

joohyun hummed. "don't you want to?"

"i do. but what made you decide to make it official today?"

"because i realized you'll never make a move to ask me." she pinched your nose.

"oh. so, you were waiting for me to pop the question?"

"yes, dummy." joohyun rolled her eyes. "that's the reason for all the teasing. just my luck, you weren't able to catch any of it."

you scratched your head. "all this time i thought you're just trying to make fun of me. that's why i teased you back this morning."

"just as i thought. you were oblivious. but i seriously got teased this morning, huh? you pulled a good move there."

"that's a payback for all the teasing you've done these past few weeks. i still lost though..."

"yeah. i got you with the surprise, right?"

"yes."

"i was serious about the surprise though, and the celebration," said joohyun. "i woke up this morning without you beside me. it felt empty. when i saw you sweating from your jog, how you looked so simple yet so beautiful, it dawned to me how much i am in love with you. right there and then i knew i wanted us to be together for real. i was planning to let you know about it after your performance tonight, but yerim beat me to it."

you laughed. "it's because she's been itching for us to be together for real since you moved here. that kid is just acting like a devil, but she really likes you, hyun."

"i'm glad she does."

you stared at joohyun. "so, um, since we're official, does that mean i can kiss you now?"

joohyun laughed. "gosh, seulgi. do you really have to ask?"

"i'm just making sure you're okay with us doing it."

"but you already kissed me before, right? you didn't even ask for my permission."

"yeah, but it was--" you stopped, as joohyun held your face with both her hands, drawing her face closer, her mouth hovering a bare inch away from yours.

"just kiss me already, will you?"

you smirked first, then you put your arms around her waist and leaned in closer, finally kissing her.

your first kiss together was nothing compared to this one because joohyun is kissing you back. it felt so good you didn't notice her hands are pulling your head closer.

as the kiss deepened, joohyun leaned back on the couch. you followed, adjusting your self on top of her.

getting too engrossed, you started kissing her jawline and tracing your lips up to her ear.

it was when you felt her breath become heavy when you stopped and pulled yourself back slowly.

joohyun looked at you, breathing heavily. her lips are swollen. you felt a sense of pride building up because you know this time you were the reason for that.

"i'm sorry. i got a little carried away," you said.

"me too. didn't know you were a damn good kisser."

"so are you."

"can you remind me why we haven't done this sooner?" joohyun cupped your cheek.

"hey. i've told you before, you are worth the wait." you grazed your thumb on her lips. "these were worth the wait."

joohyun leaned in again and planted a lingering kiss on your lips before drawing back. "i love you."

you smiled. "thank you."

"you're supposed to say you love me too, dummy."

you laughed. "fine. i love you too."

and just as when you thought things couldn't get any better, joohyun went in closer and sealed your lips again with hers.


	27. kisses

making out: that's what you and joohyun have been doing for the past three weeks.

from the simple sweet smacks up to the steamy hot kisses in the different areas--you name it--of your apartment, yes, you and joohyun are kissing addicts. you can't get enough of each other.

as for you, well, saying you're happy would be underrated. you're thankful to the universe for finally giving you the girl of your dreams. joohyun's just too perfect for you. her smile, her scent, and her lips; you always crave for her. you even find yourself constantly daydreaming about kissing her even when you're at work.

kissing her and touching her.

nope, you haven't gone past the second base yet.

not that you don't want to, but you're still hesitant. like before, you're letting joohyun take her time to adjust.

you two didn't have a formal talk about it, but you felt she isn't ready to get more intimate with you yet. whenever you pull back from a hot make-out session with her, she doesn't show any signs of wanting more. instead, she's just giving you a sweet, contented smile and telling you how much she loves you.

so, you told yourself to keep at that phase, to keep your hands to yourself. you will not do anything unless she gives you a sign.

\---

"seulgi."

you stirred but didn't open your eyes.

"seulgi..."

you felt joohyun cupped your cheeks. small kisses on your face then followed.

you finally opened your eyes. "hyun..."

joohyun pulled back, sitting up straight. "why are you sleeping on the couch?"

you raised your head a bit and realized you've slept on the couch. joohyun is in her pajamas. you remember seeing her sleeping peacefully in your room when you came home.

"oh. sorry. you were already asleep when i came." you rubbed your eyes. "i changed into my sleepwear and went out to get a glass of water. i was really tired due to the long practice, so i decided to sit here for a bit. i didn't realize i fell asleep."

joohyun smiled warmly. "awe. you're so cute."

"what time is it?"

"it's two in the morning."

"and you woke up?"

joohyun hummed, leaning her chin on your chest while looking up at you. "i think it has become my habit now to search for your warmth even when i'm asleep. when i felt i was alone in bed, i woke up."

"i'm sorry." you brushed her bangs away from her face. "i'm just really tired."

"it's okay. let's go back to the room?"

"sure."

but instead of standing up, you held joohyun's face closer to yours and kissed her. it started slow and sweet, until joohyun's hands slipped under your shirt to caress your tummy.

of course, that move turned one switch on, increasing the intensity of your kiss.

you slipped your hands under her shirt and stroked her bareback with your palms. joohyun tightened her hold on your head.

the absence of bra strap from her back caused your imagination to go wild. you slowly turn your bodies around so you're on top of her.

you slid your hands on her tummy. a slight moan came out of her mouth.

having their own set of minds, your hands made their way north.

it was when your fingertips made the slightest contact with her bumps when you told yourself to stop.

you retract your hands and slowly retreated from the lip lock, giving joohyun one last kiss before looking at her face.

joohyun bit her lower lip. "and i thought you are tired?"

"i am," you said, giving her another peck on the lips. "i just used my reserved energy."

joohyun chuckled. "i like it when you go wild on me."

"oh. so, you like that?"

"yeah. whenever you kiss me, it gives me the feeling you want me."

"i always wanted you, you know that."

"yeah. but seeing this side of you, it kind of turns me on."

you're not sure how to take that. "oh. well, that's good to know."

joohyun giggled. "let's go to sleep now? you look tired."

you smiled. it could only mean she isn't ready yet. "sure. but before that..." you stood up from the couch to scoop her in your arms, joohyun hesitating a bit.

"seulgi, you sure you can still do this?"

"i've done it before, hyun. don't worry."

you carried her with ease to your bedroom, where you had another make-out session before you finally fell asleep in each other's arms.

\---

"you're going back to the states?" you asked. you were sitting on the kitchen counter while you watched joohyun prepare dinner.

"it's just for a week, seul. i need to wrap up some things over there."

your shoulders slumped. you and joohyun have been busy lately and are seeing each other only in the mornings and evenings.

the idea of her going back to the states makes you feel uneasy because a certain person could be there.

before your mind could drift further, joohyun's arms encircled your neck; her lips met yours eagerly. you returned her kisses, your hands still holding on the kitchen counter as you support yourself.

joohyun nibbled your lips one last time before she pulled back. "you look worried."

"i'm going to miss you."

"i'll miss you too. but it's just for a week."

"is there a chance you'll see her?" you asked. joohyun raised an eyebrow at you, so you clarified it. "i meant, amber. your ex."

joohyun's face softened. "oh. is my seulgi jealous?"

you didn't answer her, but you felt a pout coming out of your mouth.

joohyun kissed you again. "i'll stay in a hotel, not in the apartment building where i used to live before. i'm not even sure if she's back there. she could still be here or back here for good for all i know."

you nodded, still can't get the frown off your face.

"hey, i love you, okay?" said joohyun, bringing her body closer to yours. "even if i meet her, nothing will change between you and me. she and i are over. and i've been official with you longer than i've been with her. i assure you i won't do anything to ruin what we have now."

"okay." you sighed. "just come back to me as soon as you can."

joohyun smiled back. "i'll be back before you know it."

\---

it was lonely when joohyun left. your apartment felt empty.

she didn't miss calling you daily. you even eat together through facetime, lunchtime on your part, and dinner for her.

that's when you started exchanging sensual jokes to each other. you keep telling her how she'll be done once she's back. then she's going to ask why and how and is daring you to make sure you'll do it.

you feel the excitement coming up because it'll be just a few more days now before she's back.

who knows, you may hit a home run this time.

\---

"seulgi."

you rubbed your eyes when you felt someone is rocking your body. you opened your eyes and jumped up from the bed when you saw the person trying to wake you up.

"hyun!" you clutched your heart out of shock. you looked at the digital clock on the table and saw it's one in the morning. "why--how--you're supposed to be back the day after tomorrow, right?"

"i was trying to surprise you." she laughed. "now i know how bears get scared."

"yah!" sometimes you're not sure how joohyun can make you act like a kid. you were never like this with your exes. "you should have told me. i could have picked you up at the airport."

"it's fine. i wanted to come home unannounced. i wanted to make sure you're not bringing any woman here while i'm away."

you raised an eyebrow. "are you seriously thinking i could do that to you?"

"i'm just kidding." joohyun scooted closer to hug you, her arms around your waist. "i missed you so much..."

"i missed you too." you kissed the top of her head. "aren't you tired?"

"i was. but i got excited when i saw you sleeping peacefully. i changed right away before i wake you up."

"and what are you excited about?"

joohyun smirked at you playfully. "well, you said i'll be done once i'm back, remember? would like to see how you'll do that."

you laughed. "i didn't think you'd bring that up again."

"i wouldn't forget something that ticked my curiosity..." joohyun shifted to kneel in front of you. "but before anything else..." she pulled you in for a long warm kiss.

the hunger and longing in her kisses told you how much joohyun missed you.

the kiss grew more passionate until you had to pull away to breathe.

"you're so beautiful," you whispered.

"and i am so in love with you right now." she sat on your lap, her legs encircling your waist. she grasped a handful of your hair and kissed you again, needier this time, more demanding.

you felt inhibitions disappearing as joohyun seems to want more from you.

you held her close and laid her gently down the bed. you slipped your hands under her shirt, caressing her smooth skin.

joohyun moaned at the touch.

satisfied, you ventured one hand to trace the valley in between her breasts. joohyun's fingernails dig deeper into your scalp.

you wanted to explore further, but you think you've already gone too far, so you slowly pulled back.

but joohyun stopped your hand.

"don't stop..." she pleaded.

you were breathing hard. it's taking you a great deal of effort to control yourself, and joohyun's words aren't helping as it's clouding your mind more.

"you sure?" you asked.

"i want you, seul..." she kissed you one time. "i want all of you."

and that was the confirmation you've been waiting for. you didn't wait for her to speak another word and went straight to fulfilling her wishes.

that was the first night you made love to each other.


	28. anniversary

"wow! this is awesome!"

you watched as joohyun ran ahead of you, praising the beauty of the forest covered in snow. she stood on one area, a stick and a camera in one hand while she turns around, capturing her background.

you smiled. she is enjoying the scenery. you are glad you picked this place to celebrate your second anniversary.

yup, second anniversary.

how time flies, huh?

it's been two years now since you and joohyun got together. so far, this is the longest relationship she's had in her life. she seems happy and satisfied. and even if others keep saying two years of being together proves nothing yet--some claim it's still in the honeymoon stage--you don't care. you know your feelings towards each other aren't changing soon.

if you're going to be more honest, you feel it won't change at all.

because as for you, you've loved her unconditionally for thirteen years now. as much as you'd like to think it's admirable--like most people who know your story--it would be unfair to say that the thirteen years is on cloud nine.

sadly, it's not like that.

along with it are pain and hardships too. but despite everything, your feelings for joohyun never wavered. it keeps getting deeper each day to where you're just completely and helplessly head-over-heels for her.

at this point in your life, you are sure no one in this world can take joohyun's place in your heart. even after all that had happened, you are sure it's only her you want.

"seulgi, why are you just standing there? come over here!"

you chuckled, vapor coming out of your mouth. you didn't realize your mind drifted somewhere else while you stare at your girlfriend. you shook your head.

"coming!"

\---

"are you feeling warmer now?" you rubbed your palms up and down joohyun's arms.

the two of you went back to the cabin after joohyun had enough pictures of the forest and the sky. she didn't want to go back yet, but you forced her to because she's already shivering from the cold.

you turned the heater on when you got back and settled on the couch. you hugged her from behind to give some human heat.

"yes, i'm feeling better now. thank you." joohyun pressed her back against your chest. "i'm so happy today!"

"oh, you are?"

"yes! i love the view. i love the sky. thank you for taking me here."

you kissed her cheek. "happy anniversary."

joohyun blushed. "i can't believe it's been two years already. it felt like we just started dating."

"any regrets so far?"

"hmmm. i just regret not starting this sooner with you. i mean, we've known each other since we were teens right? we could have made the most out of that."

you tightened your hug around her. "c'mon, we still have a lifetime together. we can catch up."

"it just feels different with you, seul. i've had relationships before, but i've never felt love in this way." joohyun turned sideways to look at you. "and you, are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

you stopped for a bit, unsure if there is a hidden message in what she said. "i do. i've always been sure about you."

joohyun smiled. she slouched a bit so her head can rest on your shoulder. "what did i do to deserve someone like you?"

"i should be the one asking you that."

"no. i'm the one who's lucky because i have you."

"no. i'm luckier because you've chosen me to love you."

"whatever." joohyun rolled her eyes. she knows it will be a never-ending battle of trying to find out who's luckier. "so, what's our itinerary for tonight?"

"we'll have dinner outside. after that, it may be a good idea to stroll in the mini-park. i've read online it's awesome at night."

"mini park? i hope it won't be that cold so we could stay longer."

"if the cold is unbearable, then let's just stay indoors and make each other warm."

joohyun looked up at you, smirking. "we just arrived here, and you're already thinking of that?"

you shrugged. "i'm just merely suggesting indoor activities if we can't go out."

"we won't appreciate the view outside if we'll start with that activity you have in mind, seul. you perfectly know we'll just get too tired to go out."

you laughed. "so, what do you propose we do?"

"anything but that."

"what? you don't want to do that here?"

joohyun slapped your leg. "i didn't mean it that way. let's just put that in the last part of the list, okay?"

"okay. as long as you don't shiver again, we'll keep that activity in the last part."

joohyun laughed.

\---

you went straight to the mini-park after dinner. as you've predicted, no people were strolling around that area as the temperature is freezing.

at first, you didn't think you'd enjoy the stroll because it's too cold. but as soon as you got a glimpse of the park, you thanked the universe for letting you and joohyun enjoy the place alone.

snow has covered the entire place, including the benches around. but you can still make out a pond in the center and a small grotto above it. the lampposts were lit, giving the place a nice and warm ambiance. there were mini light bulbs hanged around and above the trees, lighting up the place entirely.

it is indeed, beautiful.

your eyes shifted downwards to joohyun who's standing a few meters ahead of you, looking mesmerized as much as you are.

you watched her pick a frozen flower on the ground--probably a rose, you're not sure--and you can't help yourself from staring and appreciating how beautiful she is when she stood up, her long hair moving along with her movement.

she's wearing a dark trench coat, one hand inside her pocket and one hand holding the flower. she inspects the flower, a smile on her face.

it was the perfect view for you.

you wanted to capture that moment and freeze it to show it to joohyun and tell her how beautiful she is.

that's when you started feeling something in your chest, an eerie sense of anxiousness. your heartbeat rose. you're getting nervous and excited at the same time.

you just kept on inhaling and exhaling. your mind is already fogged by the vapor coming out of your mouth.

but despite the uncertainty of what's happening, it is clear to you that joohyun's the most beautiful thing that has ever happened in your life.

and she's the one you'd like to keep beside you for the rest of your life.

you don't know how you came up with the idea. but as you watch her admire the flower in her hand, you can't help but blurt out the words you have in mind.

"hyun?"

she looked up at you. "hmm?"

"marry me."

the flower fell on the ground.

joohyun's hand froze mid-air, her mouth ajar. she's looking at you with wide eyes.

"i..." you put your hands in your pocket, feeling more nervous now. you looked down at the floor, your feet making snow patterns. "i wasn't planning on doing this. i don't even have a ring with me. but while i was looking at you earlier, i realized there are two things this relationship will lead to. it's either we get married, or we break up. i don't want it to be the latter so--whoa!"

before you could even finish your sentence, joohyun tackled you to the ground with a hug. you felt the cold floor on your back as she lies on top of you.

"yes! yes! yes!" she kissed your face repeatedly.

"yes?"

"yes, i'd marry you!"

it took a few more seconds before it registered to you. "a-are you sure?"

"i've never been so sure in my life." she cupped your cheeks. "i would love to you marry you, kang seulgi."

a cheeky smile finally broke out of your face. "oh, my gosh. you said yes."

"of course, i would marry you, dummy."

"gosh, i'm so in love with you." you kissed her lips then rested your forehead with hers. "thank you."

"no. thank you for loving me. i thought i'd wait forever for you to pop the question. although you didn't ask me. you kind of forced me. 'marry me.'"

you laughed before kissing her one more time. you pulled back when you felt the cold finally getting into your spine. "it's freezing. can we get up now?"

joohyun got off you and helped you stand up. "are you all right? let's head back and get you warmed up."

you smiled. "and i thought that's the last thing on our list?"

"well, we can always change plans, right?" joohyun tucked her arm under yours. "what matters is we're together."

you held her hand as you walk. "right. as long as we're together."

"so..." joohyun is swaying while walking. you know this means she's really happy. "when are you going to buy me that engagement ring?"

"it'll be a surprise."

"that's so unfair!" joohyun slapped your arm. "you got me all hyped with that proposal of yours, and i still don't get a ring?"

you kissed the back of her hand. "i told you i didn't plan for this initially. but i'll get you one. don't worry."

"you better, or else i'll tell your mom. i'm sure she'd kill you if she finds out you proposed to me without a ring."

you laughed, knowing joohyun is right. "you'll get it soon, hyun. soon."

"i'll take your word for that."

and you intend to keep that word of yours. because if there's one thing that you'd like to make sure, it's for joohyun to tie the knot with you.

\- fin -


	29. webtoon

soooo, for some who didn't know, zylberstein and i created a webtoon version of this story entitled GREY (COMPLETED).

it was supposed to be an entry to their short story contest with a limit of 5 chapters only (100 max frame per chapter). in order for us to fit everything within the requirement, i've changed the story a bit and have cut a lot of scenes--a reason i've decided to change the title too.

long story short, we didn't make it to the submission deadline and couldn't edit the originally published entry as it's already subject for review.

but since we love you guys and we're overwhelmed with the support we're getting, we've decided to post the completed chapters in a new link instead. please continue supporting the story and sharing it with others too!

\- s

webtoon new link:  
https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/grey-completed/list?title_no=476288


End file.
